UPJOKE

Really Weird Jokes

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

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I just watch some really weird porn.....

...It was just a fat man wanking and crying at the same time....


...Then I realised I hadn't switched the television on!!!

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

It's really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.

They never get any green cards.

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I watched a really weird porno the other day.

It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet.

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My wife has a really weird fetish

She likes to dress up as herself, and then be a complete bitch all the time.

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

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My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish

She would dress up like herself and act like a fuckin raging bitch all the time

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My girlfriend has this really weird fetish

She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex.

I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.

Time traveling is really weird when you're married

You get to go back, see all the mistakes you made, fix them, and then all of a sudden you're single again

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My Ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish

She liked to dress like herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

My Mom and Dad are really weird

My mom dresses up like my dad and my dad dresses up like my mom.


They’re transparent.

Roy Moore is in bed with a girl, and says "pretend you're 14". She found that really weird...

Her birthday was in 4 months anyway.

I just woke up from this really weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like

"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird

It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight

My grandfather had a stutter, which was really weird, since he was born deaf.

Turns out it was just Parkinson's.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

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[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

Once a month or so, he'd set aside a few hours to do this crazy thing with his socks. He'd take a pair he'd been wearing for a while, and lay them out on the bed next to each other. Then he'd take one of them, and put it on. Then he'd walk over to his dresser, open his sock door, and pull a single s...

My friend has this really weird obsession with snakes, it's not right....

i think he has A Reptile Dysfunction

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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

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A guy tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis

Her name is Wendy, but when his penis is soft only the "W" and the "Y" can be seen. Kinda weird, going around with a random "WY" tattooed on his weiner, but he really loves Wendy, so he couldn't care less about what other people thought.
One day he goes to play soccer with some friends of his an...

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

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My friend asked me why I don't date much. I said well I find talking to girls really weird.

I say things like 'Hi, how are you?'

And I just get shit back like 'What the fuck are you doing in my house? I'm calling the police'

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

Getting into heaven

A man comes home after 5 years in the army, his wife says “I had a son while you were away, he’s yours”. The child looks 2 years old at most so the husband tried to argue that it can’t be his but his wife refuses to budge. After days of drinking and nagging the man loses it, grabs a gun and shoots h...

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, see...

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

I was reading that they had developed a breast prosthetic made of oak

That would be really weird, wooden tit?

Al, Ben, and Carl were going on a trip to a ski resort. But there was only one room left at the resort, and it had only one bed.

Reluctantly, the three agreed to share the bed. Al slept on the left side of the bed, Ben slept on the right side, and Carl slept in the middle.

The next morning at breakfast, Al said, "You know, last night I had the loveliest dream. A gorgeous female ski instructor was giving me the best han...

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

I visited a strange, small shop on my trip to Egypt...

They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

Four men were waiting in the hospital waiting room

because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You’re the father of twins."

"That’s odd," answers the man. "I work for 2Wire!" 

Another nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!"

"Th...

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Sad but try

I was watching some really weird porn the other night, there was some strange skinny fella masterbating and crying, then i realized the tv was off

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

As I unwrapped the condom I thought to myself...

"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

I had a really good discussion with my calculus professor today

but after a while, it started going off on a really weird tangent.

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Yesterday I met a woman...

Yesterday I met a woman who had twelve breasts.


Sounds really weird, dozen tit?

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When I was a kid, my dad always used to hit me with a camera

I still have flashbacks, and a really weird photo album

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So there's this kid named Jackson . . .

Jackson is about to have his first day of kindergarten.

He knows his name. He's like 5 or 6, or whatever age kindergartners are. They all know their names. That's important.

So Jackson goes into his class. His parents drop him off or whatever. Class starts and the teacher starts doing ...

A guy turns 61 and to cheer himself up he gets a facelift. It turns out really good and he goes back to work. On his first day he goes to Starbucks for coffee and decides to try it out: “Excuse me, can you tell me how old you think I am?”

It turns out really good and he goes back to work. On his first day he goes to Starbucks for coffee and decides to try it out: “Excuse me, can you tell me how old you think I am?” and the girl goes “I don’t know...53?” He says “ well that’s great, I’m actually 61.“ Later that day, he goes to McDonal...

An infinite number of Mathematicians

An infinite number of Mathematicians walked into a bar. The first one asked for 1 beer, the second asked for half a beer. The third asked for 1 quater of a beer and so on. After some thought. The bar tender poured to beers into a jug for them to share. A bystander said. Wow that was a really weird s...

If I had a dollar for every time someone complimented my hair

I'd be making money in a really weird way

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

Our local barber just got arrested today

Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.

I'm glad I got to see Leonard Cohen before he died...

It would have been really weird if I'd seen him after.

How many people does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Just one guy with a really weird fetish.

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I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.

I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons

A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have nasty, carnal sex right next to you through the wall.

A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely...

Time flies like an arrow...

...but fruit flies like a banana.

Probably, a lot of you already know this one. But I posted it from a -- *ahem* -- 'philosophical' consideration (not a really good idea for a joke subreddit).

But I think about this joke from time to time. Not only is it a complex double pun -- flie...

Justice has been served!

There's been some scumbag called Callum known as cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him.
The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turni...

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