UPJOKE

Really Sick Jokes

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

My Chinese friend got really sick one day...

...and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Nǐ zhàn zài wǒ de guǎn” over and over – and then he died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

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Hung Chow Calls into work and says "Hey boss, I no come into work today, I really Sick...

I got Headache, stomachache, and my legs hurt. I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow call...

Really sick of seeing so much infighting in the short community

We should really be lifting each other up

I'm getting really sick of all the Holocaust jokes...

My great grandfather died at Auschwitz, so I find these jokes really offensive. Granted, he fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck, but I think that still counts.

I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out

He gave me a terminal diagnosis.

I'm getting really sick of all this hate for Donald Trump.

It isn't nice to make fun of mentally ill people.

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

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A guy goes to the doctor and says doc I'm really really sick can you figure out what's going on?

The doctor says I need a urine specimen, a stool sample and some of your semen.

Guy says we'll doc, I'm kind of in a hurry, can I just leave you my shorts?

A man phones work and says “Sorry, but I can’t come in today, I’m really sick.”

The boss asks, “How sick are you?”

“Well…” the man replies “I’m in bed with my mother.”

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

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Calling in sick...

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.

The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the res...

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

A man walks into a bar looking worse for ware

"Steve", the barman says, "you look terrible, what's up"

"Urgh, don't I know it, I've been up all night blowing chunks", he said as he sat down looking miserable

A guy by the bar overhearing says to the bartender, "oh god, poor guy, he must be really sick"

"You don't know the ha...

A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

Just bought one of those infrared thermometers and have been testing it thoroughly.

We’re all fine but the radiator is really sick

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The Helpful Friends

Back in their playing days, Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin were good friends and would do things together on off days. One thing they enjoyed doing together was going hunting. However on a day they were to go hunting, one of Mickey's friends, a local farmer, asked if Mick could do him a favor. The f...

I got home from school yesterday...

And my mom had made some spaghetti for an early dinner. The only problem was that it tasted really bad. I didn't think I would be able to eat it, but I know she's sensitive about her cooking, so I pushed through and finished my plate.

Everything was good until I woke up this morning and sta...

Why are there so many ‘parental advisory’ notices on tv programmes lately?

My mum’s getting really sick of me phoning.

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Anal glaucoma

I told my wife I think I was really sick with anal glaucoma, she responded with “whats that” I said I can’t see my ass going into work!

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2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something...

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," say...

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My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone

“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”

I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract


Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell ...

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

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Taking a sick day

An employee walks in to his boss's office and tells him he has an upset stomach and a really bad headache. He then asks his boss what he should do. His boss says, "When I get to feeling really sick like that, I go home, lay down, have sex with my wife, then sleep the day away. I always awake feeling...

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A man goes to the doctor's office...

Man: "Doc, I am feeling really sick and I don't know why."

Doctor: "Well, the first thing to do is to stop masturbating."

Man: "Why, is it bad for my health?"

Doctor: "No, it's upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Village Atheist

In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.

They talk for an entire day, and during ...

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Little Jonny was sitting at the rear of his English class

The teacher asked if anyone could give a sentence with the word indefinitely

Jonny sticks his hand high up in the air and says ‘pick me, pick me’ the teacher thinks to herself, he’s a rude little bastard, I’m not picking him and picks Mary

Mary stands up and says ‘My brother is really ...

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