UPJOKE

Really Old Jokes

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a really old race horse today.

I have called him "My Face." and have entered him in "The Grand National"

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting

"Come on My Face."

What do you call a really OLD Trump supporter?

a MAGAlosaurus

I was gonna make a joke about a really old plane

But I don't think it would fly today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A really old man goes to drugstore and asks for Viagra

The pharmacist who is a bit worried about man using this kind of drug at that age replies "Mr. I dont recommend using Viagra for sex at your age, your body may not be able to handle it"

"I dont need it for sex" the old man replies "I just want it to get hard enough that I dont pee on my shoes...

You know that a person's really old

When they refer to a cell phone as a "telephone"

My dad just told me, “When I get really old and look back at life, I’ll only think of one thing.”

“My neck hurts.”

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

Three really old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.

What's really old and can be found in my wallet?

The Queen's face.

The last airbender has returned to us, but he is really old

Boomer aang

What do you call a really old clothes maker?

Tailor old as time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother handed me a really old dildo

She said it's been in the family for generations.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 3 Construction Workers (really old joke, but one of my favorites when I was little)

(Sorry if this has been posted before, I only subscribed recently and haven't seen this one yet)

There are three construction workers: Joe, Bob, and Frank. One day they are sitting on an I-beam high above their construction site. It is lunch hour and the three have their lunchboxes, ready to ...

Did you know that buying really old candy cost a lot of money?

Especially when they are in mint condition

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I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.

The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and ...

really old joke based off a video game from the 90's

What are the three certainties in life? ( Thank you for spellcheck on google chrome ) 1. death 2. taxes. 3. you'll hear this joke sooner or later

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I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

Killer Bear

In Czechoslovakia, a woman walks into a police station and reports that while walking in the woods she witnessed a bear attack a man and devour him. The police quickly form a search party to find and take care of the killer bear.

About an hour later they come across two bears together - a ma...

A man walks into a bar...

...and loses the international limbo championship.

(I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)

Elderly folks looking for love should considering targeting archeologists.

They tend to date really old things.

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