UPJOKE

Really Good Jokes

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Today's a really good day...

10/10

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

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I have a really good joke about pussy

... but redditors don't get it.

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes?

Because he’s rich and can afford the best ingredients

My neighbors listen to really good music

Whether they like it or not.

"I'm really good with numbers"

"How many times have you been told that?"

"Less times than I can count!"

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

My wife is really good at interfering

So I said to her: "What do you want? A meddle?"

I hear that kids from Chernobyl are really good at math.

After all, they can count to 15 on their fingers.

I found a really good website for bipolar disorder.

Unfortunately it keeps going down randomly

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A really good one.

A reporter learns that the climate in Weissenbach is supposed to be so healthy that the majority of the population lives to be well over 90 and older. So she sets off there. Once there, she sees three elderly gentlemen sitting on a park bench and approaches them, saying to the first, "May I ask how ...

I make really good brownies, that's how I enter a girl's heart..

..through cholesterol.

My skoda car is really good at chess...

It's czech mate

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

Liberace is really good at playing piano…

…but he sucks on the organ.

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Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...

...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.

I have a really good joke about clouds.

But it would probably go over your head.

TIL that Pavlov had really good hair. Why?

...Conditioning.

What's a really good joke?

>!Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!<

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Did you know cucumbers are really good for your memory?

Someone shoved one up my ass 20 years ago, and I still remember it!

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?

It’s propaganja.

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My uncle gave me some really good advice last night...

Me: “Jim, I dropped my phone onto the kitchen floor yesterday. It seems to be working fine mostly, but it’s a little slower than usual. What should I do ?”

Jim: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Me: “Also, my wife has barley spoken a word to me lately, but we’ve been having non-stop...

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What do you call someone who is really good at giving blowjobs?

The head master.

I am really good at finances

All my bills are outstanding

I have a really good joke about helium

But it'll get no reaction like my cake day.

I've just had to turn down a really good job offer, driving thirty world-famous circus clowns around on a UK tour next month.

I don't have a car small enough.

Some people say I'm really good at arguing

I'm a master debater

I am a really good singer

The shampoo bottles didn't say anything negative about me.

I could tell you a really good science joke

But all of them argon

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Jesus must be really good in bed..

If Second Coming is taking him so long.

Why are dentists really good hackers?

Because they always get root access.

I’m getting really good at beating computers

Captcha thinks I’m not even human

There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup

It's really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.

I've never been really good at owning up to my actions and responsibilities

Can't believe my parents raised me this way.

The new Australian short-sleeved, marsupial shirts are REALLY good! In fact, you could say they have a high level of…..

Koala-t

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day



But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

What do you call a shrimp that's really good at basketball?

Leprawn James

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

Did you hear about Salvador Dali’s brother who was a really good boxer?

His name was Muhamma

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

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What are Christian pornstars really good at?

Missionary work.

I think medical marijuana is really good...

... for joints.

I'll see myself out.

Most state abbreviations are really good

But Oklahoma's is just OK

Did you know Johnny Cash and Eddie Money were really good friends?

They both had common cents.

What's really good on pie and really awful on people?

Crust

Why are there no really good steak jokes?

Because they're a rare medium well done

The Last Jedi was really good

Definitely in my top 10 Star Wars movies

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What do call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator.~~ Fucking terrifying

I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator.

We speak to eachother on so many different levels.

I’m really good friends with Patrick.

He’s mahomes.

What would you call Dobby, the house elf, if he were a really good speaker?

Dolby.

I'm a really good magician

But my dad was better. He disappeared when I was 4

My Cousin is really good at Russian roulette,

he only lost once.

I’m really good at my new telephone job...

I think I’ve found my calling.

Everyone seems to be really good at spotting large Russian military helicopters....

I guess Hind-sight really is 20/20.

I just came up with a really good Schroedinger joke.

But I won't know if it's funny or not until you observe it.

If anyone has a really good fish pun...

Let minnow

I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good.

Now I want Arby’s.

I tried a vegan steak the other day and it was really good!

Cannibalism isnt for everyone but I sure like it!

I'm really good at blood tests

Every time I take one I get an A+

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David Blaine is really good at hiding his boner

He’s a master of missed erection.

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I'm really good in bed.

I often sleep more than 9 hours.

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What do really ugly people and really good-looking people have in common?

No one of the opposite sex has the guts to talk to them...

I'm so lonely

I have a really good joke about the Jonestown massacre....

But the punchline is too long.

I’m really good at managing my credit card...

...My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

I used to be really good at flash mobs

But then my 5 year old stopped inviting me to her dance rehearsals.

A Time Traveller eats a really good cracker.

"Great BiScotti!"

I used to be really good at throwing boomerangs.

But after years of not practicing, I forgot how to do it.

I found one the other day, and tried to throw it again. Suddenly, it all came back to me.

What's a really good silverlining about getting a Divorce in Alabama?

When it's all said and done, you are still brother and sister.

Popeye was a really good photographer, Because he was

“Popeye DSLR man!”

I've got a really good dad joke.

My girlfriend's pregnant and she thinks I'm going to stick around.

You may be a really good person deep down inside

But I dont carry a shovel

I posted a really good time travel joke next week.

It blew up!

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

My friend is really good at making denim clothing

He's a jeanius

There was this really good post on r/jokes;

Too bad I've already Reddit.

I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

My father is really good at basketball

He always told me "I've been Duncan all my life"

Why do Jamaican pilots make really good spies?

"Cos they're always in de' skies mon".

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

Why are writers really good at coding?

Because they are really into Pro grammar.

Did you hear about the pasta sauce that was really good at knocking down pins?

It was a bowlin’ ace.

I am really good friends with this one Spanish guy

because his panic is my panic

I just heard a really good joke about a giant squid

It's Kraken me up

It turns out that I am really good at drawing..

Well,at least the doctor said so,as he spoke in a British accent about how I am artistic..

My friend is really good at wrapping presents

…you could say he’s gifted

Which hobbit is really good at advertising?

Billboard Baggins

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

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