UPJOKE

Really Annoying Jokes

My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying

My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?”

I replied “Don’t you start too”

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying.

So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...

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My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

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My wife does this really annoying thing when she’s having sex…

…she calls me up.

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Man made climate change is really annoying me!

I wish the jerks that keep changing the climate would just set it at 70 degrees Fahrenheit year round and be done with it!

I think playwrights are really annoying.

They’re always making a scene.

What was the name of that really annoying scientist?

Isaac Nuisance

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There's a German Shepherd that comes to crap on my lawn every day. It's really annoying.

Yesterday, it got even worse because he brought all his sheep with him!

What did the really annoying, attention craving person say?

"This"

My house cleaner is getting really annoying.

She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.

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So my wife thinks I'm really annoying...

but we tried anal for the first time the other day so now I'm really a pain in her ass.

A rabbit walks into an electronics store

He goes up to the counter and bangs his hands down hard on it to get the cashiers attention.

**\*BANG BANG\***
"I'd like two carrots please."

The cashier is naturally surprised by everything about this interaction, but being the professional that he is politely says, "I'm sorry, b...

What does a mosquito and a biker have in common?

They're both really annoying but don't live long.

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Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and pooping, two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getti...

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
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I just broke up with my gf, who is an Optometrist

She's a fantastic person and I totally connect with her, but she's really annoying in bed.

She's always saying, "So, do you like it better like *this*, or like *this*?"

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Slept with a bitch in heat last night. She somehow managed to make the entire bed hers, and even had the gall to demand breakfast first thing in the morning.

Really annoying when no one is at home so I have to take care of the dog.

This man said to me "sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry"

I said "that's really annoying".

He said "I know, I can only apologise."

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A pirate walks into a bar...

The bartender notices that the pirate has a steering wheel stuck out of his crotch. He says "Wow! That must be really annoying!", the pirate replies "Arrrgh! It's driving me fucking nuts!"

A lot of people ask me about my daughter

It's really annoying, I'm just trying to take my girlfriend to school

A dad buys his son a halloween costume

-Dad,can I take the price tag off now?It's really annoying..
-No,keep it until we get home so we can really scare mom

Guy tip:

If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.

Bad egg jokes I thought of

1) what do you call it when you see a pretty egg?
- Egg sighting

2) what do you call it when a really annoying egg is quiet?
- Egg silent

3) what do you call it when a really hyper egg holds still?
- Egg static


4) what do you call it when an egg wonders if there is ...

Isn't it annoying when you hit Enter instead of

shift? It's really annoying.

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A guy is running low on gas

so he stops at a gas station with a sign that says:

"If you fill up, you have the chance to free sex!"

It fills the tank to the rim, completes the checkout process and asks for free sex.

"Ok" says the attendant, "call me a number between 0 and 10."

"7" says the guy .
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So the other day I was walking from the sports field with a bag of 100 tennis balls...

That's a big bag, but I managed to carry it. However, unbeknownst to me, it was dragging over the ground, and eventually caught on a sharp piece of kerb, and ripped open. All 100 tennis balls falling out, ending up everywhere. Really annoying. I had to get all of them back individually and only retr...

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