UPJOKE

Did you guys hear they’re thinking about closing the Philadelphia mint?

Im not opposed, it just makes cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...

This story sounds kind of ridiculous...

Dozen tit.

If you’re thinking about building a Velcro wall

Plan on sticking to it

What do hoes and Walmarts have in common?

You may laugh at them sometimes, but when you’re inside one at 4am you’re thinking “Damn I’m glad these are here”

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking: “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lesson about the parts of the body

One day the parts of the body were arguing about who should be in charge.

The legs said, “Well I carry you all everywhere so I should be in charge!”

The arms said, “Well I get all the stuff for the body so I should be in charge!”

The lungs said, “Well I get all the oxygen for th...

Heard at work today

When you see 20 cars in your neighbor’s driveway, and you’re thinking about calling the cops. Go over there and ask for a glass of milk. You know why? Because milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth. Minding your own business.

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

A Man and his Wife Order Steaks at an Exclusive Restaurant.

“How would you like your meat sir?” Asks the waiter.

“Well done !” Replies the man

“Thanks, I’m really good at my job,” replies the waiter, “while you’re thinking about how you like your meat, I’ll ask your wife.”

The waiter then turns to the man’s wife.

“Ma’am, what kind...

One day, Little Johnny is sitting in class when the teacher asks a question.

“Okay class, if 5 birds are sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many are left?”

Little Johnny gets super excited that he knows the answer to this one and raises his hand. The teacher points to Little Johnny and asks him what the answer is. Johnny says “0, cause’ if you shoot ...

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A captain was showing a sailor around the ship

The captain says “here is where you sleep. Make sure to keep your side clean as the pope” the sailor says “yes sir” and they move on. The captain shows the sailor the ammunition room and says “if you’re thinking of suicide don’t come in here. We have cameras everywhere understand?” The sailor says “...

One of those seedy massage parlors opened up across my kid’s school.

After couple of months of outrage and protesting. We finally did it and closed that school down.

I know what you’re thinking, finally a happy ending OC joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says...

"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that’s quite a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Hall, you’re thinking of a blowj...

The Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said: "You have released me from my lamp… This is the eighth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of granting all of these wishes, so you...

Us psych majors get a bad rep

People think we think we know what they’re thinking

So this black bear walked into a restaurant...

So this black bear walks into a restaurant. Ok, wait, I know what you’re thinking, why’s it have to be a BLACK bear? Ok, fine, it was a brown bear... no wait... that still won’t work. Polar bear? Maybe a grizzly bear, though, I guess technically that’s still brown. You know what, it doesn’t matter. ...

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