UPJOKE

Re A Jokes

You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

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Kid 1: I bet you’re a virgin

Kid 2: Not anymore, I got laid last night!

Kid 1: Yeah, right!

Kid 2: No, I’m serious! Just ask your sister!

Kid 1: I don’t have a sister…

Kid 2: You will in about 9 months

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

Donate one lung and you’re a hero

I donate 7 and I get arrested

You’re a terrible lawyer! How did you even pass the bar?

I passed the bar? Which One? Better go back!

What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?

A un-aware wolf

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

“You’re a unit of power Harry”

“I’m a Watt?”

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Uranus - These a re all true BTW

Uranus is full of gas.
Uranus smells like farts.
Uranus craps diamonds.
Uranus is a cold, cold place.
NASA flew by Uranus and snapped lots of pics.
Uranus is huge.
We can see Uranus with the naked eye.
Uranus is bleeding is an actual astrological (not astronomical...

How do you do the hokey pokey if you’re a millipede?

You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in…

Oh, so you’re a 10?

On the pH scale maybe, because you’re basic.

When you’re a camel…

very day is hump day!

My wife said you’re a pisces, you live outside of the box

I told her no, I live outside of the aquarium. She didn’t laugh :(

Donate a kidney, and you’re a hero

Donate seven however, and you’re going to jail

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

When you’re a toe hammer...

Every problem is a toenail.

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You’re a dick when you’re drunk

A woman walks into a bar on the top floor of a building, has a couple drinks. All of the sudden a man jumps out of the window and flys around the building and returns through the window. The woman asks “ how did you do that?” He says “I drink the house beer and then jump, I’m not sure how it happens...

If you’re a furry, and get turned on by chickens

Are you a Hen-Thigh enthusiast?

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You’re a pizza.

A pizza shit.

If you’re a noble gas

You possibly argon.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

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I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night...

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an...

You’re American before you enter a restroom, you’re American when you leave,

But You’re a’peein once you are inside.

“You’re a funeral director? That must be quite the undertaking.”

Yes I make a killing!

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You think you’re a true fan of the Sex Pistols?

Name two of their albums.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.”

It was all rather unsavoury

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People often ask me what’s the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you’re a Jew, you’re born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you’re just religious, you’re only kind of a Jew

You’re Jew*ish*.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

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When you’re a single man and trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire.

Which I understand, but boy oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick recently.

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If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

If you’re a cat owner, you don’t need an explanation for this joke!

A Doberman, a Golden Retriever and a cat died and met God. God said to them, “Tell me why I should let you into heaven.”
The Doberman said, “I’ll protect you with my life.”
God said, “You can sit at my right side.”
The Golden Retriever said, “I will fetch your slippers and anything el...

You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

european

You’re not a monk

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help. After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" h...

You’re one in a million

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”


Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

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The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

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A man on trial asks the judge, “What would happen if I said, ‘Judge, you’re a son of a bitch?’”

The judge said, “I’d hold you in contempt of court.”

The man then asked, “What would happen if I just thought you were a son of a bitch?”

The judge said, “I suppose there isn’t anything I can do about a person’s thoughts.”

The man replied, “In that case judge, I think you’re a f...

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

If you’re alone at Christmas, just send me a message. :)

I have so many people coming over I’d like to borrow your chairs if you don’t need them.

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The navy trains dolphins

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that ...

Why do they use AI (Captcha, etc.) to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

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