UPJOKE

Raspy Voice Jokes

You know why I like girls with raspy voices?

I assume they are all done yelling for the day.

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

Elon Musk, The smartest man in the world

was on a plane along with a hippie and a priest. Suddenly, the pilot comes running back with a distressed look. "The plane is going to crash, I've done all I can. There are three parachutes and since I am the pilot, I am taking one; you three will have to decide who gets the other two." With that th...

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

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A tourist is walking back to his hotel from a night of heavy drinking when he suddenly feels the need to pee.

He ducks into a dark alley and relieves himself, when he suddenly hears a raspy voice behind him.

"Hey, hey, mac," the voice says. " Wanna make fifty dollars?"

The man yells, "What!? Who's there!?"

"Relax, man, don't turn around," the voice says. "Listen, man, it's simple. I'll ...

So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room

They talk to the child laying there,
“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“
The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

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A pony walks into a bar...

A pony walks into a bar, and is stared at by the bartender and patrons. He makes his way up to the bar, and in a raspy voice asks the bartender for a glass of water. He quickly downs the glass, clears his throat, and says, "you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little hoarse"

A guy goes in his car and gets out of the parking lot...

When suddenly, while going in reverse, he hits something with his car.
He immediately goes out and sees an Italian guy unconscious.
He takes him immediately to the hospital.
The sentence is clear: The guy is in a coma.
He anxiously waits outside for him to wake up.
After some time, he...

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A drunk woman stumbles into a bar...

She sits down, and says to the bartender, "Beertender! Gimme a drooble martuni, and put a pickle in it."

The bartender, quite fluent in drunkese, pours her a double martini, drops in an olive, and slides it over to woman. She lights up a cigarette, slams the martini, and takes another drag ...

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An old black meets St. Peter at the gates of heaven

St. Peter is there, and tells him

"Welcome, in order to get into the kingdom of heaven you must have done something worthwhile with your life, what have you done my son?"

"well", he said in a raspy voice, "I made love to a white woman"

"...okaay" St. Peter responded, "that's......

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

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How Black Tooth McPhee Lost His Eye

It was a typical evening at the pub by the bay when a young man walks in and spots old Black Tooth McPhee sitting in a corner.

The yound man walks up to the old pirate and gives him a rowdy hi ho and says, "Ah McPhee, you're not looking so good since the last time I saw ye. What happened to y...

A man walks into a bar leading a pony on a harness...

Bartender says to the man "You can't bring that pony in here."

Man replies, "This is a special pony. He pays for all my drinks. See, I bet you, the bartender, that my pony can recite every letter of the alphabet after each shot of whiskey he drinks. You won't believe me, so you take that bet....

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A man applies for a job at the zoo ...

He'd always wanted to work for the zoo, so he goes up to the zookeeper and asks if there are any openings.

"No, sorry," said the zookeeper. "We're not hiring."

"But please," said the man, "I've always wanted to work for the zoo. Are you sure there's no openings? I'll literally do anyt...

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