UPJOKE

Ran Over Jokes

I just ran over some sausages

Those brats never saw it coming

In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car.

He will be charged with battery.

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.

The neighbor saw it happen, and realized it was an accident. He just yelled "Oh God please put him out of his misery!"

He got really mad when I tried to tell him I'd have to do it eight more times.

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

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A man ran over a cockerel with his car

Feeling guilty, he goes to a nearby farmhouse to see how he can help. A woman opens the door and he says: “I appear to have killed your cockerel. I’d like to replace him.’

She replies: “Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

Saw a guy getting jumped by 3 other men, so I immediately ran over to help.

There's no way he can beat all 4 of us!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said....

"Stop, don't do it!"


"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.


"Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"


"Are you religious?"


He said: "Yes."


I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"


"Christian."


"Me too. Are ...

A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911

- 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.

A guy was driving down a country lane and he ran over a rooster

He was very upset.

He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said: 'I appear to have killed your rooster. I'd like to replace him.'

And she said: 'Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

I ran over Five Miles this morning

Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.

While driving my car, I accidentally ran over a kid carrying a cymbal...

Ba dum, Tsss.

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I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

Sad moment today when I ran over a box of shrimp

Road Krill

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A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

Did you hear about the foot that got ran over?

God rest his sole

I ran over 10 miles today

Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

I just ran over one of Snow Whites dwarfs.

He wasn't Happy!

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What did the man say when he ran over a deer with his car?

Fuck.



You were expecting "Oh deer" weren't you?

A guy was high and was rash driving when he suddenly ran over a group of people walking on the footpath

He was later detained by the police and summoned to the court.

The judge asked him: Why did you run over the group when clearly there was a single person walking on footpath which was on other side of the road? Clearly there would have been less casualties!

The guy answers: I was gonna...

I ran over a cat today.

Apparently, it had been run over eight times before.

What did the Martian call the human who was ran over by a bus?

A flat earther

I just ran over my dog.

April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.

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Went driving today and almost ran over a kid

He was fuckin quick for a 5 year old


I'll get em next time

A kid got ran over passing out candy at a parade...

He got his tootsie rolled

I was in the car with my dad, when he ran over a cat!

I said, "Dad! You just hit a cat! Didn't you see it?"

And he says, "I hit it, didn't I?"

What would you have of Batman and Robin were ran over by a steamroller?

Flat man and Ribbon.

Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself?

He asked a kid to go across the street to get a pack of smokes, the kid said "No!", so he ran over himself.

A driver ran over a man with a car

The man said: "Are you blind?!"

To witch the driver responded: "I didn't miss you, did I?"

Did you hear about the man who ran over himself?

He asked his wife to run to the store and get him some beer. When she told him no, he ran over himself.

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

What's the difference between a lobster and an Asian who got ran over by a bus?

One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian!

I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today...

I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying "curiosity was here."

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

I nearly ran over a couple of crows with my car today.

It was almost a murder.

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A politician’s chauffeur ran over a pig while visiting the farmlands.

The politician told the chauffeur to find the owner of the pig and apologize to him and offer him compensation for this accident. So the chauffeur went to look for the farmer who owned the pig. Couple of hours later, the chauffeur returned with lots of goods like eggs, butter, meat and chickens. ...

I recently got ran over by a steam roller

people said i should be offended, but i was flattered.

I ran over man sleeping by the road.

I guess he was tired.

Oh my god, I think I just ran over the most famous buck in Ireland.

O'Deer.

Yesterday i ran over three disabled children

Cripple kill

A woman ran over my cat with her car.

The cat was killed and the woman knocked on my door. "I'm so sorry. I've accidentally killed your cat and I'd like to replace it." I said "I'm sure we can work something out, but first I need to know if you can catch mice."

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat the other day.

So, immediately, I went and knocked on her door, and I said, "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am; I think I've killed your cat. To make amends for this tragic mistake, I'll replace him if you'd like."

She said, "That's very noble of you, but how are you at catching mice?"

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One guy says to the other:"Did you know that in Tokyo every hour a man is ran over with a car?"

The other guy replied: Poor guy! How can anyone live like that.

I ran over a dyslexic redditor this morning....

He walked right into my bus.

I ran over ny neighbors foot with a lawn mower today...

Guess I need to bury him deeper.

A truck ran over a trombone player...

You could say he was a little flat.

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I was walking home late when I saw a young man trying to snatch a purse from an old lady. So I ran over to help.

She was surprisingly strong, but we got it off her eventually.

What did the frog say when it got ran over?

Nothing. It just croaked

Once I saw 3 guys beating up one guy on his own so I ran over and helped out...

that dude didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us

A bunch of us in a car just ran over a clown...

... tragic sure but soon we can look back and laugh.

The drone on Mars ran over a feline organism.

That's right - Curiosity killed the cat

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I was mowing the lawn the other day and accidentally ran over my cat...

... Some would say I, tore that pussy up.

I ran over a child who was on his way to band practice carrying his cymbals. I'll never forget that horrible sound as I rolled past his motionless corpse.

Ba dum tiss

A guy waved at me and ran over the other day...

He said "oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"

I said, "I am"


-Demetri Martin

Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people?

He had locomotives!

What happend when the bike ran over a nail?

It popped a wheelie.

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

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The story of Disgusting and That

A female dog called "Disgusting" found itself in love with a male dog called "That", so they started having sex in the middle of a road. Eventually, a bus ran over both dogs and they got completely obliterated. What can I say about this?
_That was fucking Disgusting._

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

“How tall is a Penguin, this tall?”

“No, they’re much shorter than that”, he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- “How tall is a penguin, this tall?”

“Nowhere near that tall!”, says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing ...

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

A man sees a 3 legged pig in a field

He goes and asks the farmer, "What's with the three legged pig?"
The farmer says "That's my lucky pig, that is!
- What did you mean?
farmer - well one day I was out on the tractor ploughing the fields and the barn caught fire. That pig ran over the fields to find me and oinked continuously ...

A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.

His co-worker asks him “Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?”

“I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it,” Jim grumbles.

“How’d you get a flat?”

“Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.”

“In the middle of a crosswalk? Did...

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

A cop pulls over a blonde

He says "Lady, do you realize you just ran over 20 people back there?"

She then asks "OK, so what's the legal limit?"

English teacher: What is the first thing you do if you become ill?

Foreign student: I go to bed.

English teacher: No, before that?

Foreign student: I take off my clothes, of course!

English teacher: No, no, do you visit the doctor?

Foreign student: No! No doctors! I don't like doctors! My uncle went to doctor with chest pain, doctor said...

Celebrations were held at NASA today

After the Curiosity rover had discovered feline life on the Planet Mars


Celebrations were wild and rampant until the rover made an unexpected turn and ran over the creature.


A NASA employee was heard saying "Turns out Curiosity Killed the cat"

An old man was visiting his daughter and grandson

During the visit, the grandson crawled up into his lap and said "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why sure!" the man said & offered several croaking ribbit sounds.

Delighted, the boy jumped down and ran over to a nearby closet, working hard to remove a suitcase from th...

This guy is walking by a graveyard

He hears a guy moaning…

Why did you die?
Why did you die?

Why did you Die?????


The guy was disturbed and ran over?

I have to ask are you mourning a spouse ?

How about a child?


The man responded : no nothing like that.

Why did you die??? <...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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One day in a busy restaurant, a man began to choke on something he had eaten.

Without hesitation, another man jumped up, ran over, pulled the choking man's pants down, and started eating his ass. The choking man was so shocked and disgusted that he started to gag, miraculously expelling the blockage. His life saved, he thanked the other man profusely and asked how he had know...

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Quack

A farmer is dying on his bed and debates on how he will split up the estate between his three sons. So he makes a contest and explains it to them that each with get a duck and who ever can get the most for the duck will inherit everything.

So the first son ventured out with his duck and spen...

Elon Musk has only owned Twitter for one day...

and it's already ran over 2 pedestrians.

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A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

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The cockroach

I was trying to kill a cockroach one day in my house but kept missing. The cockroach ran over to the centipede’s house and starting banging on his door. “Help” he screams, “someone is trying to kill me!”

After a while the centipede opens the door and sees the cockroach begging for help.
...

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortune

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortunes.

They make merry and have dinner together. And before leaving, they hand their mother gifts.

The eldest son gifts his mother the deed to a massive palatial chateau in the French Riviera.

The middle son...

What's flat & have 4 legs?

Dad : Here's a riddle, son. What's flat & have 4 legs?

Son: A table.

Dad : Wrong.

Son : A stool.

Dad : Wrong again, son.

Son : I don't know dad. What's the answer?

Dad : It's Mr. Whiskers, our cat which I had just accidentally ran over with the car.

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The pickle factory

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately,
he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the
pickle slicer.

This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more.
So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation
of his. He sp...

Kid tragically fell under a steam roller

The poor child was squashed to death as a steam roller ran over him. Fortunately some one knew who he was and where he lived. A police officer said he would drive to the child’s address to break the bad news. Sadly there was no reply so the police officer did the next best thing. He slid the kid und...

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

Guy runs into a bar and yells

"Quick! How tall is a penguin?"


Bartender says "Three feet tall."


Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

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Bob's a truck driver

Bob gets bored on long drives, so he came up with a game. If he sees a lawyer walking on the sidewalk, he'll hop the curb and run him over.

One day, Bob picks up a hitchhiking priest. The priest is quietly studying his Bible. Bob sees a lawyer. Because the priest was so quiet, Bob forgo...

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Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

I went golfing the other day and heard a woman running towards the pro shop, screaming that she was attacked by wasps.

I ran over and asked where she got stung. She said "Right between the first and second hole." I said, "First of all I think your stance is a little wide."

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

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A truck driver was having a quiet drink at a Road House in the middle of nowhere when 4 bikies turned up.

They walked inside and had a look around to see the driver was the only one else in the bar. They walked directly up to him and without warning, started to beat the living shit out of him.

Eventually, they let him leave and they walk up to the bar to get a drink. The first one says to the bar...

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If having a big dick was a crime

I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.

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A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."

The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

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A man runs into a pub all out of breath and asks at the first table:

"Guys, who's got a big black fat dog with a white collar?"

Nobody raises their hand.

"Oh, shit, so I ran over the vicar."

Two things went wrong today

1. My Wife got ran over by a bus 2. I lost my job at the bus company

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

Three swedes found mysterious tracks from the forest

"It is a bunny." Said the first

"It is a rabbit." Said the second

the third one bowed to look and a train ran over him.

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

I just recently had to switch my gambling habit to off-track betting

I kept getting ran over by the horses

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

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