UPJOKE

Purpose Of Jokes

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

The purpose of propellers on an aircraft are to fan the pilot.

When they stop turning, the pilot starts sweating.

What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings?

An arsonal

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?





To remind single people that they are single.

What is the purpose of life without someone to love and cherish?

the prpose of life :)

What is the purpose of reindeer?

It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

What is the purpose of the propeller on an airplane?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation

2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on

What is the purpose of antimatter?

Doesn't matter.

The purpose of the small toe in your feet

Is really to find if all your furnitures are in their proper places.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the mid-80s, there were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of the head on a man's penis.

One man insisted that it was for the pleasure of the man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. Finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue. The first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000. the results of the study pro...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

The German in Poland

A German once went on a business trip by car to Poland.

The Polish police pulled him over.

"What's the purpose of your visit?", the policeman asked.

"Business!" said the German.

"Mhm."

"Occupation?" the policeman followed.

"No, no, no! Business, I said!" the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Glory!

In an old part of town there's an establishment often visited by a certain kind of people.

In addition to numerous items on display, the purpose of which is unusual but well known to those who frequent the place, there are a number of small booths arranged in pairs, each pair sharing a commo...

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mouths are the new boobs.

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

Revenge of the penguins

There is this large group of penguins living their peaceful, penguin lives.

One day, a ship crashes and sinks nearby. A polar bear swims to the ice from the sinking ship and quickly falls asleep, obviously exhausted from his ordeal.

The penguins, having never seen a polar bear, th...

A pirate captain with a peg leg walks into a bar.

On his crotch, he's got a ship's helm fastened to him.

The old pirate settles into the bar.

The bartender serves him a drink and finally asks the obvious, "what is the purpose of the helm on your crotch?"

The pirate answers: "Arrrr, I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the penis have a knob at the end?

This question has bothered mankind for hundreds of years. Finally an American University commissioned a $100,000 study and after many months of research concluded that its purpose was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The conclusions were not universally accepted and the French Govern...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set...

Midwife annecdote

My mother as a midwife came back from work dying of laughter. She tells me that she had an appointment with a patient who came to talk about contraception. The patient said that she wants to change her contraceptive pill. My mother asks her why, she replied very calmly that it made her sterile. And ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy is in need of some money. (Original)

He catches word of an alien planet with riches on it, so he goes there to find work. The old alien farmer there meets him.

"Ah, come for riches, eh, boy? Well, not to worry. This here is where you'll be a-workin." The old man says, giving the boy a toothy smile.

The man is pointing t...

What movies teach us:

AMERICAN MOVIES TEACH US:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote basketball / baseball.

4. Aliens have specia...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor

Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.

The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in ...

Adam and Eve

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden, talking to God.

He says to God “You’ve given me life, the purpose of naming every animal, and plenty of food to eat. You’ve made me comfortable, kept me well fed, and a sense of purpose. However, I’m feeling quite lonely; is there anything you can do to...

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

I went to a large bookstore ...

... and asked the lady at the counter, where the self-help section was. She said if she would tell me, it would defeat the very purpose of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.

He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waiter has a spoon tied to his pocket.

At a resturant a waiter has a spoon tied to his right pocket with a small rope.

One of the costumers asked him what is the purpose of this spoon?

The waiter said that he uses the spoon to align eating utensils, that way he doesnt touch them with his hands.

The costumer then a...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac start getting bored...

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A store in which to to buy a husband

In this country, women run everything, which means that men, especially good men are a luxury

As such, there is a store that sells them. It's policies are straightforward

1. The store has 5 floors, each of which you may shop at your leisure. But you may only bring the husband ticket ...

Asking for her hand...

A guy went to his girlfriend's house for dinner to gain her father's permission for marriage. After the dinner, she and her mother went to the kitchen while her father and the guy sat down in the living room to talk this through.

The father said, "Okay son, I understand the purpose of this vi...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

Foreploy:

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two College Students

Two college students were sitting at a law course. The professor hated them and will always pick on them with the purpose of failing them. One day, one of the students stands and says,

"Ok, professor, I'm tired of you trying to fail me, so let me ask you a question about law since you are so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets bitten by a black widow

A man gets bitten by a black widow spider and he dies. When he arrives in Heaven, he meets God. He asks God, “God, there is something I just don’t understand. What is the purpose of making something so small, so powerful?” God replied, “I never saw you complain about your brain or your penis!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 birds sitting on a powerline

Teacher: There are four birds sitting on a powerline and a farmer shoots one, how many birds are left?

Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.
Johnny: There are none left cause when the farmer shot the one, the other ones flew away.

Teacher: Well Johnny for the purpose ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Economic Stimulus' payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal gover...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and wife are looking to spice up their relationship.

They have been married for years, and as many marriages do, things start to get dull. They decide they need to seek out new activities to keep their relationship going. They go to new restaurants, travel more, take dance lessons together, the works. But still, as they try all these new things, event...

Statistics are like Bikini Atoll

Their essence utterly obliterated for the purpose of proving a political point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three angels are given gifts from god based on their loyalty and appreciation towards their spouses.

The first angel confesses that he often cheats on his wife and believes she would be better off....to be the equivalent of dead in heaven.

The second angel admits that his wife can be a bitch sometimes but still is willing to stick with her for eternity. Provided she stays in shape of course....

A man finds himself seated next to a priest during a long plane trip.

They get to talking. He asks the priest what order he is in. “I’m a Dominican.”
Oh, the man replies. “I went to a school where we were taught by Jesuit priests. What’s the difference between the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? ”
“Well, they were both founded by Spaniards — St. Dominic for the Do...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.