UPJOKE

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Old (no pun intended) but funny

One day at a home for the elderly, a man visiting his grandfather, goes to one of the public toilets.

As he is peeing, he notices an old man standing next to him at the urinal, peeing with two streams, instead of one.

The elderly man sees the confused look on the man's face...

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Saw a on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

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Pun intended.

Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

The guests in this hotel are always stealing all the soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms. Dirty bastards.

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What do a and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway. (rim shot…no pun intended)

Did Did Did Did Did Did Did Did Did Did

No pun intended.

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy....

Hey Llama, 90% of our friends don't find your puns funny.

Yeah, but at least pun intended?

There was a dad joke contest at work, so I submitted a bunch hoping I would win.

But alas no pun intended.

So a man enters a pun competition...

A man enters a pun competition determined to win. He submits ten puns, figuring that way one of them will certainly get the prize. But when they announced the winner, no pun intended.

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

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Susan the cow

Susan the cow was just in the meadow grazing, when she heard the sound of bells. Panicking she starts running towards the barn, where shes met by more ringing of bells. Looking around Susan sees Garet the bull and all his heifers. They all had fancy bells on that make delightful noises at ever movem...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

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So a woman is getting on a bus

And her skirt is too tight for her to lift her knee high enough to make the first step.

She decides, hey, better not keep these people behind me waiting for long, im going to unzip the back of my skirt just a bit and see if that way i can lift my knee high enough.

Having thought so, sh...

The anti-drug campaign

Two men join a local anti-drug campaign. They walk up to the person running the campaign.

The man looks towards them and says,
"Ah, I'm guessing you two are here for the campaign."

The two men agree and the manager of the campaign said,

"Alright guys, we were just running a...

One big happy family.

My wife and I got married last summer, we were together since we were teens, she was the only person that wanted to be with me, and she was the only one I wanted to be with, other than my best friend ofcource , he’s the only other one I’d spend my time with, and it helped that my friend and my then ...
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