UPJOKE

Private Part Jokes

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

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What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts?

Chantilly clad.

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry M...

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A dog is licking his private parts

Two men are watching a dog lick his private parts.

First guy says, "I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably pet him first."

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A girl saw a guy scratching his testicles in public.

Girl : how can you scratch your private parts in public? I can never dare to do any such thing.

Guy : That's because you don't have the balls to do it.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

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A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because they have teeth...

A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because "They have teeth!" One day when he's older he starts seeing a lovely girl who he begins to fall in love with. Things are going great, but she starts to feel frustrated at his lack of sexual progression with her. F...

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”

•


The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

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A Major and a Priest wake up...

A Major and a Priest wake up hungover and butt naked in a bush. After getting up, a group of people walk past them. The Priest quckly coveres his private parts with his hands. Meanwhile, the Major only covers his face. After the people are gone, the priest is upset and asks the major why he didn't c...

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A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.

It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.

Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. ...

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A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day. When they pass a lake, the rabbi suggests they go swimming.

Since neither of them has a bathing suit with them, they bathe naked. Just as they come out of the water, a family with children appears.

The rabbi immediately cov...

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What do you call a male bee's private parts?

BEEZ NUTS

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.







Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.







'My Private Part die...

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,

"May I ple...

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There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

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You know what's funny about bathing suits?

If a man swims in a bathing suit that only covers his private parts, he will almost always be swimming competitively. If a woman swims in a bathing suit that only covers her private parts, she will almost always be swimming casually.

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

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A man came home early from work one day and found his next-door neighbor in bed with his wife.

Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the naked fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench.

Still holding the gun to the man's head, he bent the handle of the vise with a crowbar. Putting the gun in his pocket, he then took out a very...

Back at the nursing home,

A few evenings a week, Mr Jones would visit Ms Smith in her room. They would sit on the bed and talk and as they did, she would just simply hold his private part in her hand. They enjoyed this very much.
Then Mr Jones stopped visiting. As a few weeks went by, Ms Smith stopped Mr Jones in the...

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A blonde and a brunette.

A blonde and a brunette are spending their day off together at the local lake. Since they're alone, they decide to go skinny dipping and enjoy the beautiful weather.

After frolicking around for 30 minutes or so they decide they have had enough fun. Just as they emerge from the water two bu...

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A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would ...

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A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

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A man decided to join the army

During his first day of weapons training, a Platoon Sergeant chose him to be an example of the platoon.

Sergeant: "Alright private, what's your name?"
Private: "Jackson Parts, sir!"
Sergeant: "Okay private Parts! Show us what you got!"

The whole platoon laughed for a while, but s...

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Onenight a married couple are laying in bed.

The wife is under the blanket ready to sleep. Her husband reaches over to take a book from on top of the nightstand. As he reads he keeps moving his hand between his wifes legs, touching her private parts. She wonders if he wants to have sex, so she gets up and starts to take her clothing off. Her h...

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

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A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.

He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:

"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."

To which the man replies:

"Ma'a...

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Ethel and Ben are neighbors in a nursing home...

One day, they're sitting in the TV room and Ethyl says, "Ben, I bet I can tell you how old you are if I feel your private parts for just half a minute."
"Hee hee. Even a doctor couldn't do that but you're welcome to try," he replies, unbuttoning his trousers. She leans over and gives his tackle a...

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Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

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A Catholic priest and a Jewish priest bathe naked in the river

A group of people walk past the river. The Catholic priest holds his hands in front of his private parts, the Jewish pastor holds his hand in front of his face. The Catholic priest asks: Why are you holding your hand in front of your face? The Jewish pastor answers: Because my community recognizes m...

A king wants his daughter to have.....

A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.
The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next morning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thi...

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Three men are climbing a mountain...

Three men are climbing a mountain. As they are going over a particularly narrow and dangerous path a strong wind gust blows them over the mountain ridge and they start falling in a deep canyon.

Luckily on the way down the first man manages to grab a branch of a small tree growing from the sid...

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In the land of Oz, there was a dark, musky swamp, and in this swamp there lived a bunch of deep green frogs.

Except for one frog, who was a pale yellow color. The yellow frog got made fun of all the time for being a different color, and one day he was so fed up he called out into the sky, “good witch Glinda, good witch Glinda, please turn me green!” And out of the sky, a little soap bubble floated down to ...

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

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Obgyn Assistant

A guy is looking for a job and sees an application for an obstetrical assistant who has to trim patients "private parts" and rub oil there in preparation for the session. He tells the officer, "I'd like to apply for that one" and the officer says he has to go up to Sudbury. (Way the hell up north!)...

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

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An uncomfortable circumstance.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down ther...

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A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time

As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconvent...

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A blind man once entered a fancy restaurant

A blind man once entered a restaurant known for its exquisite cuisines, with the help of some people he managed to sit at a table and called out for the waiter

The waiter being extremely courteous asked if he wanted the menu to be read out loud, the blind man said it wasn't necessary, all the...

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I had to go to the doctor's the other day, for a full examination.

While I was naked, he remarked how much my genitalia resembled a saxophone. I told him it was a family trait, we all had private parts that looked like musical instruments.


"Most remarkable" he mused, " I can't remember seeing anything like it in 30 years, apart from that one lady who's...

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In Bed With The Wife

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her gina. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to re...

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

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The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

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A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man....

...Without hesitation, he grabs the offending man by his private parts and drags him to the garage.

He puts the man's private parts into a vice and removes the key so it can't be loosened. Then, he walks over to the work bench and removes the saw from the pegboard.

The naked man exclai...

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Magical Fruit

A man stops at a Chinese stand at a flea market, reads the sign, ”Magical Fruit and asked “What’s so magical about his fruit?”

Chinese man says, “Taste, taste. Taste, taste”

The man bites into it and said, “It taste like a Peach”.

Chinese mans says, “Turn, turn. Turn, turn”
<...

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When I was in kindergarten...

I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.

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Logic

Three professors visit a nudist beach, and strip off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually reco...

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My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

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An old lady was on the deck of a cruise ship, when a strong wind blew up

Without thinking, she grabbed her hat with both hands, to stop it blowing away. A steward rushed up to her, saying "madam, the wind has blown your dress up too, and you're not wearing any underwear! Everyone can see your private parts!".

The old lady replied "anything down there is 72 years ...

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Costume party

The hostess sends out an invitation for a costume party: "Come dressed as an emotion!"

The first guest shows up wearing a pink lycra costume with just some tassels around the private parts. The hostess asks : "What emotion are you?" The guest replies : "I'm tickled pink!"

The second ...

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Fisherman's secret

A man is fishing at his favorite fishing spot very early in the morning. After several hours without catching anything he notices a small small Chinese man walking towards the waterfront.

"Don't bother" the fisherman says, They're not biting at all today." The Chinese man simply smiles and co...

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Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines &...

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Two men go hunting......

One guy is looking through his new scope and says, "Hey I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on ya." He buddy says, "I'm tired of her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts." He looks back and says, "I can get that in one shot."

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(NSFW) There was a fire in a women's sauna..

So all the women start running out screaming. The men are standing around watching while their wives try to cover their private parts. Then out of nowhere one man yells out
"Honey, all pussies look the same, cover your face instead!"

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

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A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs...

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Little Johnny...one more time.

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to...

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

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[Long] A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.

A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.
Not sure what to do about this he calls a local exterminator service.
The lady on the phone says, “Sure, we deal with gorilla removal all the time, I can have someone there in thirty minutes.
Thirty minutes la...

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A 75 year old lady says to her husband...

"You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."

Her husband says, "Sure, that's a good idea dear."

So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.

Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and p...

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Nurse walks in to a patient's room

In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.
A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, "I'm here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, are my testicles black?"

Nurse blushes and says, "I'm just here to change your sheets!"

Patient say...

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In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests...

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

&nbsp;

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

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Helping a person in need

A gentleman is at a bar. Feeling the need to take a piss he proceeds to the washroom. He notices an elderly man standing in front of the urinal looking around, his empty sleeves waving in the breeze. The gentleman takes pity on the elderly man with no arms and asks “do you need assistance?” To which...

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Car Repair at Walmart

A man and a woman had car trouble as they pulled into the Walmart parking lot. The man told his wife to go ahead and do the shopping and he would try to fix the car.

The wife finishes shopping after about 90 minutes and walks out to the parking lot. She sees a group of people gathered around ...

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Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn...

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A woman was in a coma...

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient "down there."


They tried it again and sure enough, there wa...

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

A pirate walks into a bar. He's got it all, a parrot on his shoulder, a pirate-y sword at his belt, an eye-patch, the whole works. And he is also carrying his boat's steering wheel in front of his private parts.

The bartender shouts: "Oi, mate, you've got a steering wheel dangling in front of...

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Shower joke

Little Mary walks in the bathroom while her mom is in the shower. Mary pulls the shower curtain and sees her mother naked.

"What are you doing?" her mom asks while covering herself.

"I was wondering, mommy..." says Mary "what's that line?" she asks while pointing at her mom's private...

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A man's wife is in a coma in the hospital

The man, exhausted, sleeps in the waiting room as the nurse gives his wife a towel bath. As the nurse does this, she notices a slight movement from the comatose woman as she runs the washcloth over the woman's private parts.

The nurse gently wakes the man up, and as he rubs sleep from his eye...

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when..

...her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and
Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their
bedroom, they kiss and hug and make love."

The daughter looks puzzled so the ...

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Before they can be ordained, three young men have to undergo an ordeal which will test the chastity of their thoughts.

Ordered by a priest to strip, the trio have rubber bands fastened to their private parts and are ushered into a bedroom where a beautiful girl lies naked on the bed.

After a few moments there is aloud *Boing!* The first seminarian is told to go to the showers to cool his ardour.

A mome...

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Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

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The Test

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriendand I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskir...

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A joke about my Jewish Uncle Herschel

My Uncle Hersch and Aunt Sophie were married for 60 years and were both in their 80's.

One night Hersch gets up to use the bathroom and forgets to put the seat down when he's done. An hour later Sophie gets up to do the same thing, and falls right in. Worse yet she gets completely stuck.
<...

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A Jewish couple is about to consummate their marriage...

But before they get to business, they both have to use the restroom. The groom goes in and goes pee, and after he is done, he forgets to put the seat down. The bride, not realizing the seat was still up, sits down and gets stuck in the toilet.

She yells for help, and her new husband comes in ...

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A nun walks into a bar

A nun walks into a bar and asks the barman to use the restroom. The bar is very noisy and crowded with music playing and every time the light shuts off for a few seconds, the patrons applaud. When the patrons finally see the nun, the entire bar falls silent.
"Sure, you may use our facility" says...

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How Men Think...

A nurse was giving a female coma patient a sponge bath, when she accidently brushed up on the womans private parts. Suddenly, the patients vital signs jumped up. So the nurse tried it again, and once again, the vital signs jumped up...so she called the Doctor, and showed him what had happened.
Th...

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Kim Kardashian goes for cosmetic surgery...

So Kim goes to a cosmetic surgeon to get an ol' nip and tuck of her private parts. Getting rid of useless skin that’s attached to you is the 'in' thing to do these days, you know (no, I’m not talking about Kayne). Of course, she would like everyone involved in the operation to keep the affair high...

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It Hurts..!!!

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow.

"I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pa...

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A woman went to the doctor...

A woman went to the doctor with, from her perspective, a huge problem. She had always been ashamed of her private parts; her over-sized outer labias. They made her vagina look like an overweight camels mouth. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and went to the plastic surgeon to minimize them.
...

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

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