UPJOKE

Please Stop Jokes

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

Please stop the hate on the lazy people

They didn’t do anything at all

Please stop trying to unionize

It took so long to ionize

Can we please stop posting chemistry jokes?

I keep seeing the same jokes reposted periodically.

Exasperated, she asked her spouse "Please stop peeing in the shower, it's gross."

He frowned, retorting defensively "Oh come on, hun! It's not that big a deal. A bunch of people pee in the shower. It just washes down the drain..."

She sighed before offering a compromise. "Fine, but can you at least not do it while I'm the one taking a shower?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pleading to the r/jokes community. Can we please stop all the "this is an old joke" comments?

I mean, every joke that makes it to the front page has the obligatory "this is an old joke", "I've heard this before" comment. Unless the OP literally made the joke up themselves, then *every* joke on here has been heard before. My internal response to those comments is always "NO SHIT."

Ye...

A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

Please stop making jokes about little people

How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

“Can you please stop sending me Spam emails?”

“I’m a vegetarian.”

Please stop calling Congress village idiots.

Village idiots are far less useless.

Can we please stop with the "that's what she said" jokes?

It's getting way too big and i can't take it anymore.

Please stop making new flavors of Coca-Cola …..

Either put the cocaine back in it or leave it alone.

Guys please stop making jokes about Helen Keller.

They’re just plain senseless.

My wife told me to please stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

Please stop

A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush?

Seriously, it's soda pressing.

Can we please stop with this whole FaceApp trend

It’s getting old quick

Can we please stop with all the blind Stevie Wonder jokes?

I just don't see the point.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic.

My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns

Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as "Hot"

As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

Please stop saying Donald Trump is mean

He can't even make an average president

Hey guys please stop putting half-smoked cigarettes in the urinal

It makes them soggy and makes them hard t light up.

Dear Apple: please stop autocorrecting things like “he HAD gone camping” and “he HAS gone camping”

Spelling mistakes are one thing, but don’t assume you know what tents I wanted to use.

Guys, can we please stop making jokes about Donald Trump?

Otherwise, we'll all have hell toupee.

Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we please stop with the old ladies with saggy boobs jokes?

They're low hanging fruit.

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".



Edit: *To everyone making jokes in the comments comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't wor...

So, it's now officially a week after the Super Bowl, can we please stop with the Super Bowl jokes?

They're going right over my head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed.
"Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!"
"No way woman! I'm right about to ejacula...

Me: I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Her: Please stop saying that every time you switch off the lights at night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To whoever keeps stealing the urine samples...

Can you please stop taking the piss.

Never let others keep you down, never stop trying and never be afraid to fight for what you want.

Unless your name is Amber Heard in which case can you please stop? Like, now please?

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