UPJOKE

Please Come Jokes

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She...

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: "What are waiting for Johnny?"

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What's wron...

Please come quick my dad is in a fight

A boy runs to a policeman and says "Please come quick my dad is in a fight"

The policeman follows him to the fight and before attempting to separate the men asks the boy "Which one is your dad?"

The boy says "I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!"

Child: "Officer! Please come quickly! My father and another man have been fighting for an hour!"

Police Officer: "What? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Child: "Until just before my father seemed to be winning."

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

A Native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

To the couple that left their 9 children at Yankee stadium for the day

Please come pick them up. They're beating the Yankees 11 - 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

A guy phoned the emergency hot line, please come quick, my son has just swallowed a condom, ten minutes later he phoned again saying don't bother.

I have found another one.

At a corporate party…

The director of HR stood up and said “If anyone has any comments or anything they’d like to say please come up to the microphone”

An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are being arrested by the silent orgasm police!

Please come quietly

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband calls up a hotel's manager from his room..

..Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : You asshole, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a tobacco store

to buy a large cigar. After buying it, he immediately started smoking it inside the store, which annoyed the store owner.

-Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside if you're going to smoke that.

-Isn't this a tobacco store that sells cigars?

-Yes, but...

-Then I ...

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