UPJOKE

Play Some Jokes

Stevie Wonder was doing a concert, and towards the end decided to play some requests.

A man called out, "Play a jazz chord." So Stevie played a short riff, but the man insisted: "No, no, play a jazz chord."

So Stevie played a longer riff: "No, no," said the man, "play a jazz chord."

Stevie tried again and again, until he was playing chords he'd never played in his life,...

I called into a Russian radio station to request that they play some U2...

They shot me down :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'

'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf cl...

Luigi invites Mario over to play some Nintendo Switch...

...as they get ready to fire up some Smash Bros. Mario notices Luigi has a new avatar.

Mario asks, "Say, Luigi, what kind picture is that?"

Luigi says... "It's a Mii, Mario."

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

My fecalpheliac neighbor invited me over to play some board games.

Turns out I've been playing scattegories wrong my whole life.

An American is on holiday in Ireland, and while there he wants to play some golf

So he goes to the closest golf club and says "I'd like to play some golf, but have nobody to play with. Would anyone here like to play?"
A man walks up and says "I'll play with you. I'll meet you here at 9 am, but I could be half an hour late."

So the American turns up the next morning a...

Got an echo dot for xmas, I asked her to play some white noise to help me sleep.

Alex started playing Eminem.

John and Bill decide to play some golf one morning...

...and they're not very good. So bad, that old ladies start passing them before they hit the back nine.

At the sixteenth hole, they're both playing from the rough after their first strokes.

Waiting at the tee box they see a skinny bearded man. "Mind if I play ahead?", the man asks.
...

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching my grandson play some word game on his phone.

He was repositioning two A's, an E, an I, an O and a U.

"Jason, that's the messiest vowel movement I've ever seen," I told him.

He replied, "You've never seen my shit after I eat alphabet soup, Grandpa."

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, “Don’t worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time.”

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, “I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling dow...

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

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In a bar (long)

I forget where I heard this one but it’s one of my favorites.

A man walks into a bar and sits down looking very miserable. Another man sees him and asks “having a bad day?” To which the first man responded “I just got married and put a down payment on our dream house, overextended our credit...

My wife asked me if I'd like to spend the evening at home or go play a game of bowling.

So I told her that putting my fingers in sweaty holes where everybody had been before wasn't what I had in mind for tonight. And we went play some bowling.

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

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