To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

There's only one type of person who never gets angry...

A nomad.

What do you call an IT person who touches kids?

A pdffile
(or if you’re from my school mr Ambrose)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

A sax offender

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

To the person who stole my presentation

I hope you do not Excel.

What do you call a little person who cannibalizes their own family?

A munch-kin.


That joke was stupid.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

To the handicapped person who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run!

The person who stole my diary died recently

My thoughts are with his family

What do you call a person who used to be a fan of farm machinery?

An ex-tractor fan

What do you call a person who robs a drug store?

A pillager

The person who invented the door knock

won the No-bell prize.

What do you call a Mexican person who marries too hastefully?

E. Lopez

I want to say thank you to the person who told me about the word "multitude"

It means a lot to me.

A person who posts lots of jokes to r/jokes found that 3 keys on his keyboard is broken, what are those keys?

Ctrl,C, and V

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

A person who speaks 3 languages is called a trilingual, a person who speaks 2 languages is called a bilingual, but what is a person called when they speak only one language?

An American.

What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.

Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the person who got cooled to absolute zero?

Yeah he fukin' died.

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

What do you call a person who is 6’ 10” tall, 300 lbs and goes both ways?

Bi and large

You ever meet the kind of person who wants to write an autobiography?

Really says a lot about a person

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

What do you call a cynical person who’s drunk on gin and tonic?

Sartonic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?

Just enough to get Bi

What do you call a person who kills cereal?

Mentally ill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who is both an analyst and a therapist?

Analrapist (this is probably a repost)

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Spanish person who masturbates

A cumquistador

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black person who flies an airplane?

A PILOT YOU RACIST BASTARD!

What do you call a person who falls for something over and over again?

Oooh

We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna...

What do you call a person who jumps off a bridge in paris?

In seine

The person who created velcro died

RIP

What do you tell a person who wants to take a short nap?

"bon nap petit"

To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.

What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin?

Hey can I have my nickelback?

To the person who lost the stack of dollar bills

I have your rubberband

What do you call a fat person who identifies as skinny?

A trans-slender.

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

What do you call a Chinese person who has an opinion?

Wong.

Did you guys hear about that psychic little person who robbed a bank?

He's a small medium at large!

What do you call a person who beautifies space ?

Cosmo-tologist.

What do you call a person who dislikes writing utensils?

Erasist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bisexual person who is single?

They are on standbi

What do you call an indigenous person who can’t stop giving out his two cents?

Opinionative

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action?

A Bi-stander.

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

What do you call a person who falls for a tech support scam?

An Indian giver.

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

What do you call a person who watches over chickens?

A chicken tender.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

The person who invented auto-correct should burn in

Hello

The person who invented the USB drive is going to be lowered into his grave,

Then lifted back up, flipped over, and layed in again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the cleavage of a person who had a boob job?

Silicone valley

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

I wrote a few jokes for reddit and there is always one person who consistently likes my jokes - I just wish I could see who that one person is so I could look him in the eye and say:

Thanks for all your support!!!

but unfortunately when I write my terrible dad jokes I can never look myself in the eyes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Any person who illegally exports sheep is called an Owler.

Unless they're from Wales. Then they're just called a sex trafficker.

What do you call a person who lives in a toilet?

A lieutenant.

I'll show myself out.

What’s the term for an Asian person who gets up and cooks mid sleep?

Sleep-wokking

What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener

Badum tss.

Imagine what the first person who inhaled helium thought...

They must have spoke very highly about it.

What do you call a blue eyed, blonde haired person who doesn't eat meat?

A vegetaryan

What do you call a blonde-haired, blue-eyed person who served in the military?

A veterinarian.

What do you call an elderly person who volunteers their time?

A dentured servant

What's the worst problem an IT person who works at a sperm bank has to deal with?

Sticky keys

There is a game show where the person who pees the farthest wins. Guess the name of the game show.

" Urine It To Win It "

What do you call a person who can doesn't feel one way or another about religion?

A Meh-thodist

What do you call a person who took 30 grams of acid?

An ambulance.

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

A vegan, an atheist, and a person who hates Fortnite walk into a bar

Who's telling you first?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a blind person who hates jews.

A not-see.

What was the first thought of the person who created jam/jelly?

I need to preserve my legacy

What do you call a person who thinks zombies are superior to people?

A wight supremacist

What do you call a person who designs dog houses

A barkitecht

What do you call a black person who sings well?

A vocal minority

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

What do you call a person who is obsessed with cats?

A catholic

To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...

You can't run but you can hide

Person who created ‘Autocorrect’ died.....

May his sole restaurant in peas..

To the person who invented the number zero.

Thanks for nothing.

What do you call a person who can't hear well?

**I SAID WHAT DO YOU CALL A PERSON WHO CANT HEAR WELL?!**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a French person who wishes they were Japanese?

ouib

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a person who uses Youtube is a Youtuber and a person who uses Reddit is a Redditor. What do you call a person who uses 4chan?

A virgin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person who discriminates race is racist; Sex- sexist, age- ageist, disability- ableist, religion-

Realist

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