UPJOKE
personalclientelepersonsleeplesssomnambulistdozeslumberouszeddosssnoozedreamsnoreslumberbunkhouseinsomniac

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're the type of person who hoards magazines...

... you probably have a lot of issues.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got blackmailed by a person who claims to have nudes of me

Jokes on him, now I filmed myself, send him daily videos and ask for money to make me stop.

I am really thankful to the person who invented the flashlight.

It helped me get through some dark times in my life.

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

I read earlier that the person who is most likely to kill you, is yourself

But not if I kill him first

There's only one type of person who never gets angry...

A nomad.

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

I would like to tell the person who stole my place in the queue

I’m after you now!

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic…

What did the person who was about to come out as non-binary say?

“I’m almost they’re”

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

To the person who invented the zero....

...thanks for nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The person who proofread Hitler's speeches....

Would he technically be a grammar nazi?

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

What do you call a person who studies the color blue?

A cyantologist.

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

Bass guitarist.

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

What do you call a person who graduated at the bottom of their class in medical school?

Doctor

What do you call a Jewish person who does things out of the ordinary?

An unorthodox Jew

What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?

Tailor Swift

What do you call a person who is willing but hasn’t yet tried Indian food?

Curry-ious

When the person who mugs you only finds a dollar in your pocket

John is on his way home late at night when he's attacked by a mugger. After a great struggle, the mugger overcomes him, searches his pockets, but only finds a single dollar.

"What sort of guy puts up a fight like that for just a dollar?" says the mugger.

"I'm not that stupid," says Jo...

To the person who stole my antidepressants

I hope you are happy now.

What do you call a person who illegally transports cups

A smuggler

"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to th...

Was speaking to the person who is fixing my hearing aids

Heard nothing since then

How does the person who gives circumcisions get paid?

They keep the tips

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

The person who invented Velcro died.

RIP

To the person who stole my trainers and hi-viz jacket...

You can run, but you can't hide.

In every marriage, there’s one person who is always right…

…and the other person is the husband.

What did the person who killed Notorious BIG say afterwards?

No biggie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who insists on saying “pissssssss” every time they urinate?

An onomatopee-er

What was the person who discovered milk thinking?

Mmmm, just like mom used to make

What do you call a person who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender

My mom came up with this and told me to post it so tell me if you enjoy it!

What do you call a person who hates French people just for being French?

A Baguette

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

To the person who stole the password to my cam profile:

I’m coming for you.

To the person who lost their iPhone 11...

Please stop calling my new phone.

What do you call a person who can't hear well?

**I SAID WHAT DO YOU CALL A PERSON WHO CANT HEAR WELL?!**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who pulls out a chair from under you before you sit?

.

.

.

.

.

.

A Chairrorist



you may groan now.

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free beer for the person who can pass this test!

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, ...

The person who invented the umbrella was going to simply call it 'brella'..

Then they thought about it for a second....

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Clause?

Eggnog-stic.

What do you call a person who just started fapping

New cummer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

To the person who invented autocorrect...

There's a special place in he'll for you.

There is person who wanders the Gobi Desert

They call her, Lone Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?

Just enough to get Bi

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the person who stole my Viagra

You should be ashamed! You need to go home and take a long, hard look at yourself!

The person who discovered wheat intolerance has died.

The family has requested, NO FLOURS.

What do you call a person who has a good time with birds and feathers?

A Pheasant Plucker.

And to all you dyslexics out there, they are also enjoyable lovers.

I know a person who jumped through a window without getting hurt.

They said it was paneless.

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

What do you call a person who got kicked out of Canada?

Can'tadian

Who is the only person who survives every disaster?

The movie camera-man.

What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener

Badum tss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a very unattractive person who hands out naked photos of themselves?

A bearer of bad nudes.

What do you call the person who makes orthopedic foot braces?

A hobbler

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

A sax offender

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bisexual person who is single?

on standbi

What do you call a person who is jealous of you having marijuana?

... *Jointless*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a project manager and a person who poops?

The person pooping gets shit done.

To the person who stole my iPhone

You will face time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who only has sex with people who test positive for COVID-19?

A sick fucker.

What do you call a person who dislikes people who don’t have toes?

Lack toes intolerant.

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

If you meet a person who own a few thousand bees, marry them.

They're a keeper.

To the person who stole my calendar...

Mark my words, your days are numbered.

What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

What is the worst pet to give a person who suffers from Alzheimers?

A Parrot

To the person who invented the drawers

I don't know how you pulled this one out.

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.

Accused: Hahahaha

Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

What do you call a black person who delivers mail?

A mailman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the person who steals from black people?

Robbin Hood

I’d like to say thanks to the person who taught me the meaning of the word “many”

It really means a lot

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.