UPJOKE

Pain In Jokes

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body

Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: i think your finger is broken!

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

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Life without women would be a pain in the ass

Literally.

Why is buying raw iron such a pain in the ass?

I don't know. It's just a real ore deal.

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How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?

Take the spoon out of the glass.

A woman has a pain in her chest.

Her husband takes her to A&E. She's taken into a cubicle for examination. After a while the doctor comes to her husband and says. "She has acute angina" The guy replies "I know Doctor. That's why I married her. But what caused the pain in her chest?

Smile on the face, pain in the heart

If it ain't a heart attack, it will go away with a fart

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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

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You know what’s a REAL pain in the butt?

An uncomfortable chair.

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

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Lot of men say women are a pain in the ass.

I disagree.

If there were no women on Earth, the pain in the ass would be even more.

I got distracted while studying Reading a book about abdominal pain in the library last night

Someone ripped out the appendix

A man went to the doctor about pain in his backside

He said:

"Doctor please help me my bottom hurts"

The doctor replied,

"Well can you tell me exactly where it hurts"

The man said,

"Right around the entrance it's really sore"

To which the doctor said,

"My advice is that for as long as you call that the...

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A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have te...

Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.

He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.

“Which knee is hurting you, Walt?”

The famous film producer points to his left knee.

“Disney.”

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Gays are a huge pain in the ass

Maybe I shouldn't bottom next time

Coming up with a punchline is a real pain in my derrière

Pardon my French

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If sex gives you a pain in the ass

You're doing it wrong.

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I told my wife that she was a dick and a pain in the ass

"So what you're saying is that you love me" was her answer

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A guy goes to see his doctor because he's having an intense as pain in his asshole

The doctor tells him:

"Looks like you have hemorrhoids in your asshole, use this cream and it will help you."

Embarrassed, the guy says:

"Well that's a new experience for me, can you show me how to put the cream on?"

The doctor shows him how to apply the cream, and the gu...

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At first I found my girlfriend's kinks exciting but now they're starting to become a bit of a pain in the arse.

Bloody Peggy.

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Flossing used to be a pain in my ass.

But now that i do it properly it's just a pain in my mouth.

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I’m looking for a man that won’t be a pain in my ass...

...but someone who will stretch me a little out of my comfort zone I think would be a good fit.

Get it?

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My wife said "Birthday sex is a pain in the ass"

I said "That's an option"

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I went to the doctor complaining of pain in my intestines...

When they diagnosed me with constipation I replied:

"I don't give a shit."

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

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Which state is a pain in the butt to go to?

Prostate.

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One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees i...

I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment and left with the worst pain in my neck

I don't recommend Dr. Acula.

I told my wife I woke with a pain in my neck.

She said 'So did I!'

A man is concerned that the pain in his side may be serious, so he goes to his doctor's.

After a brief examination, the doctor asks the man to lie on the examination table. The man does so as the doctor leaves the room.

While the man is lying there, a dog and cat enter the room. The cat jumps into the man's chest and stares at him while the dog licks each of his hands. Shortly...

Girls: Why are brothers such a pain in the ass?

Me : Thought you loved anal

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A man walks into his doctor’s office with an extreme pain in his backside

Seeing his clearly in pain, the doctor asks him to bend over. After a few seconds the doctor exclaims, “You’ve got a piece of lettuce hanging out of your anus!”

Grimacing, the man said, “Doc- that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

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What do you call it when you sit on a French baguette?

A pain in the ass.

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A man complaining of pain in his arm

A man is talking to his friend, and he mentions that his arm has been bothering him all week. He told his friend he was planning on making a doctor's appointment for the next day. His friend insists that instead he goes to the pharmacy, for they have a new machine that for $10 and a urine sample, it...

A guy goes to the doctor with a pain in his rear end

The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."

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When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs.

I think I've got indiegestion.

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