My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.
Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."
What is more heavy, one pound of your dad or one pound of a black hole?
Its relative.
Two men are in a pub...
“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...
My favourite joke
So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?! The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky....
Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…
€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.
The UK tested switching to the dollar...
Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.
Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...
How to lose weight.
When I lost 104 pounds, people asked me how I did it.
I asked “Do you think you can lose one pound?” They said sure. Anyone can do that.
I told them “thats all I know how to do. I lost one pound every week, for 2 years. One pound at a time.”
True story.
A zombie walks into a brain store
On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...
A guy walks into a bar....
Asks the bar tender for a shot of whiskey, vodka and brandy.
Nails the three shots and proceeds to say "I shouldn't have done that with what I've got! "
The bar tender replies "why, what have you got?"
"One pound" the man replies....
Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...
The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of t...
Irish bank robbery
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers c...
What's What?
A man walks into a butcher and asks for "Two pounds of Turkey, one pound of Salami and three pounds of what's what." The butcher replies, " I can give you the first two, but I've never heard of what's what." The man replies, "OK" and left.
The man walks in the second day and says "Three poun...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A woman goes to a grocery
and tells the grocer, "I want one pound of potatoes, one pound of tomatoes, and one pound of onions."
The grocer replies, "I'm sorry, but we don't have any onions."
"Okay, then give me two pounds of potatoes, one and a half pounds of tomatoes, and half a pound of onions."
"I tol...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2%milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce, a two pound can of coffee, and a one pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...
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