UPJOKE

One More Jokes

If I hear one more pun about whales,

I’m gonna krill myself

My girlfriend told me that if I bought her one more stupid gift then she would burn it

So I bought her a candle

My wife said if I mentioned Shrek one more time in bed she’d leave me. I thought she was joking

But then I saw her face

A man’s wife tells him if he comes home drunk one more time she’ll divorce him.

Later that night he’s at the pub and gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt.

“Oh no! I’m in big trouble now. My wife said she’ll divorce me if i come home drunk again!”

His friend tells him not to worry. “Just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket, and when she sees yo...

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

A father, finally exasperated looking at his son's failed test scores, shouted: " Son, if you fail your exams one more time today, don't you EVER call me your father again!!"

"Yes, father.", the son replied meekly.

After the exams, the son came home.

"How were the exams, son? Do you think you managed to pass this time?"

"NO PROBLEMO, DUDE!"

One more Russian one

2 guys are lost in the middle of siberian forest. One of them says "shoot. Maybe someone will hear us". So the guy shoots once, twice, thrice but no one came to help. His friend said shoot more and the guy replied "I can't. I'm out of arrows"

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A man walks into a bar. Orders a drink. Spits it out. "This is only aged two years!". So the tender gives him another. He spits again. "This is only aged four years!". The tender gives him one more. The man spits it out. "The hell is this? It tastes like piss!"

The tender says, "It is. How old am I?"

I asked my mom if I could try to breast feed one more time.

It was a trip down mammary lane.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I quoted Arnold Schwarzenegger one more time.

She can leave me all she likes but I'll be back

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If you shit the bed one more time - I'm throwing your sheets out the window!

An elderly man in an old folks home has had a problem going number 2 in bed. The nurse has to change he sheets every morning so she finally breaks down and yells at him, "If you shit the bed one more time I'm throwing your sheets out the window!"

Well, sure enough, the next morning she finds...

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If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you

ME: alllllllllrighty then

While I don’t believe Belichick is rooting for Brady, I absolutely believe Bob Kraft wants Brady to win one more before he retires...

What can I say? Bob Kraft just loves a happy ending.

My friends told me to stop making chemistry jokes, but then I told just one more

I got no reaction, and now all my friends Argon

I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time...

She's never getting her nose back.

Why did Steve Jobs stop saying "One more thing..."?

He switched to tumor things.

Whenever I find something I misplaced, I always check one more place.

That way, things are never in the last place I look.

One more notch on his belt.

The Corona Virus wears a mask out of fear of Chuck Norris.

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One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend.

A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks "Where the hell have you been?”

He says, "The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold!...

3 Drunken southern men are asking for one more round of drinks

The bartender says “no way, look at how drunk you’ve become!”

The 3 drunk southerners keep insisting.

The bartender says “Alright, whoever can name the southern most state in America gets another drink.

The 1st drunk Shouts “TEXAS! it’s where most people in the world think of wh...

I really needed to go early to bed, but I thought I could play just one more game.

Then it dawned on me.

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Little Johnny...one more time.

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to...

I swear, if one more person talks about limes and coronavirus...

I might just have to make myself a drink.

Wife: I'm so tired of you talking about dinosaurs all the time. If you bring them up one more time I'm going to leave you

Wife: I'm so tired of you talking about dinosaurs all the time. If you bring them up one more time I'm going to leave you.

Husband: That's not true! Tell me one time I talked about dinosaurs

Wife: .......

Husband: (whispering) *She was silent, like the 'P' in Pterodactyls*

My family and I got takeout and we got wonton soup but we needed one more

so now we have twoton soup.

My manager said if I make one more mistake that I'll be fired.

So to save myself I've made several mistakes.

One more friendly reminder about the Notre Dame cathedral catching fire...

Consequently, it has become the world's hottest tourist attraction though.

I don't see myself making it one more month

I don't have 2020 vision

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Why did god give Marines one more IQ point than he gave to horses.

So they won't shit during parades.

My doctor asked if I wanted one more chromosome.

I said I'd be down with that.

One More For All The Philosophy Majors Out There

The Physics major asks: How does it work?

The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?

The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?

The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

If one more person asks me to do a summersault....

.......I swear I'm going to flip!!!

Why did the Irishman not add one more bean to his 239 bean soup?

Because it would have been too farty.

One more Little Johnny joke

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "N...

If someone calls me a snowflake one more time...

I’m going to melt down.

I swear, if I hear someone tell me one more time the Earth is flat...

I'll push them right off the edge!

One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,

He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 panties.
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your...

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Here's one more ISIS joke.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

ISIS Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." ...

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Do It One More Time

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have o...

I told this guy I was arguing with if he stepped one more step closer I would hit him in the face, but he kept walking right to me.

I guess he didn't understand the punchline.

Only one more sleep to go

before I lose my job as a night security guard.

What's worse than one more abnormal growth?

Tumor

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One more drink

So, this guy is at a bar getting pretty hammered. The bartender announces last call and the drunk orders another shot. He immediately shoots it back and slams the glass on the bar. He says to the bartender, "Thanks, you have a good night!" and falls off the stool onto the floor.

After pulling...

One more Pirate joke for the road!

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel stuffed in the front of his pants. The Bartender finds this odd, and asks the pirate "why do you have ship steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate replies with, "I don't know, but it is driving me nuts!"

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 


Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." 


The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." 


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 


"Tiger Woods." 


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 
...

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

Smart Robot

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and m...

Queen farts

The Dutch Queen is in an elevator with three diplomats from France, Italy and Spain.

Suddenly, she farts loudly. At first, everyone is confused, but the French representative quickly comes to his senses, comes to her rescue and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry, that was me".

They don't even tra...

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out.

The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation; “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the
mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”

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A woman took her husband to the doctor.

"He can't talk, only sings!" she told him in some distress. "I can't communicate with him anymore!"

The doctor asked the husband, "Is this true? Are you only able to sing now?"

The husband looked at the doctor and burst out, "Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to f...

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

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A guy with a 25 inch penis goes to a witch doctor

He asks, is there anything you can do to shorten it Women won’t have sex with me. It’s too big.she said no but if you go in the forest there’s a pond with a magical frog that grants the wish you’re thinking of every time he says the word no, so you ask him to marry him to guarantee the correct respo...

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are observing a building...

A very heavy-set man is seen going in.

A while later two very skinny men exit.

The physicist says "To within experimental error, the conservation of mass has been demonstrated."

The biologist says "reproduction by mitosis must have taken place."

The mathematician scratche...

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

A rabbit walks into an electronics store

He goes up to the counter and bangs his hands down hard on it to get the cashiers attention.

**\*BANG BANG\***
"I'd like two carrots please."

The cashier is naturally surprised by everything about this interaction, but being the professional that he is politely says, "I'm sorry, b...

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

Zorro

Zorro goes to a bar only wearing his face mask. He asks the bartender for a drink and then asks him if he knows who he is. The bartender replies that he has never seen him before. Zorro gets mad, puts on his black hat and his black cape and asks the bartender one more time if he knows who he is. The...

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A woman was waiting at a bus stop

The wait was going to be long. In the diner across the road, there was a fortune machine. 25 cents, the little slip of paper came out.

"You know how to play the violin"

Well that's not true, she thought. There happened to be a violinist in the diner, he let her try. To both of thei...

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There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

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A woman boards the subway…

It’s rush hour and this woman has around 5-6 kids with her. They all board the train and it’s a long way home, around 45 minutes. Needless to say, it’s super crowded and her kids aren’t doing her any favors. A few minutes in, the woman notices there’s an empty seat next to a guy manspreading. Visibl...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

Golf

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

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Pele showed up in Hell....

Pele showed up in Hell and Satan said, "How is this possible? You were beloved by millions and gave generously to those in need."
Pele explained, "When I got to Saint Peter's gate, there was a big crowd waiting but they had room for only one more. Saint Peter winked at me and pronounced 'he who h...

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

I was doing the crossword puzzle at breakfast and asked my wife for some help.

I asked, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I said, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I tried one more time, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

For some reason, she ...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

How many guitars does a guitarist need?

Just one more.

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A man and his raccoon

I was out drinking the other night and a man and his pet raccoon walk into the bar. It's about 7pm, in a near empty dive bar. Seemed a bit odd but as I watched I could tell they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night go...

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A father's oldest son was born without any arms or hands...

But despite the significant challenges that this created, the son was always upbeat and positive and never complained about the tough hand (sorry!) he had been dealt. Because of this, the father always wanted to go above and beyond for his son whenever possible. As his son's 21st birthday approach...

Disturbance in church

A priest talks to a man who visits church religiously every sunday with his wife. The wife tends to fall asleep during his monologue and starts snoring rather loudly, and he'd like the husband to do something about it. They decide to use a knitting needle, where the husband would poke her when the p...

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Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment

Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment so he went to his dad Mr. Igor for help.

Dad: what is this assignment about?

Little Igor: teacher asks us to write a sentence with the words country, party, people and citizen. And I don't know what these words mean.

Dad: you s...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

Gifts for the Teacher

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" ...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

Banana

A shopkeeper puts up a sign advertising a deal on bananas: one banana for $3 or three bananas for $10.

A man takes a look at the sign and notices that the bundle is a bad deal, so he decides to order one banana, then another banana, then one more, saving $1. Feeling smug, he asks the shopkeep...

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An arrogant man who often judged others for the slightest misdeeds dies and finds himself waiting in heaven to be judged by god...

A man finds himself in a line to see "God". He can hear the conversations God has with each person as they reach the front of the line. Apparently the Lord is using a particular method to expedite coming up with proper punishments.

"No one knows your sins better than you my child, thus you sh...

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

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