UPJOKE

One Minute Jokes

One minute you're young and fun...

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia...

It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.

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My wife yelled: i dont understand you,one minute you are rude to me,next minute you are nice

I said: bitch please

The rabbi arrived one minute before the start of the circumcision

That’s cutting it a little close

I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence

I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and get out.

As I walked through the door she screamed : “ I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery and pain”


I said: “make your mind up, one minute your telling me to get out and now you want me to stay”

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The Smallest Dick In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

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One minute I was masturbating and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital.

Dr said it’s a good thing my mom caught me in the middle of having a mini stroke.

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Want to see 45 years of wrinkles disappear in less than one minute? nsfw

Rub my penis.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

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I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury.

I'm better today though, no worries.

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A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”

A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

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Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they...

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A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.


''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response


" He's probably loo...

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Life is like a toilet paper

One minute you’re on a roll


And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar...

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

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