One liner

Wet dreams are just hand jobs from god.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

One Liners & Zinger Help Request

Hi everyone. I don't know if this is allowed. If not, pls recommend where I can go.

I work in a furniture store and we want to have fun with our outdoor sign. One liners or zingers. PG13.

Give it your best shot, furniture based. The best jokes are always in the comments.

I'll go...

One liner

If you hit a person with an electric car will you be charged for battery?

One liner a new friend just told me that we both thought was funny

Me: I’ve never met anyone with agoraphobia. Him: You wouldn’t

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One liner (maybe nsfw and a repost i don't know)

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.

One liner

One mole of gas is such a PV=RT

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

One Liner

We're only a typo away from 2002.

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

A bad one liner

I finally found out what trait women find most attractive in a man: The fact that he isn’t me.

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

Funny one liners - 2016

Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.

Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

Funny One Liner!

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.

A One Liner

Tried to catch some fog yesterday.....but I mist.

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My favorite one liner. I've only told it out loud so I figured I'd type it type it vaguely.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"

Best one liner jokes

I didn't ready the sidebar so crucify me if need be.

I was just looking for the best one liner jokes you've ever heard. Clean or dirty, doesn't matter.

One that always gets me: Have you heard about the depressed, cross eyed girl? She never looked forward to anything.

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

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[One liner] How do you make an archaeolgist mad?

Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.

Here's a one liner I heard from a friend.

An Irish man walked out of a bar.

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Would like some joke help. Tell me your best one liner.

I'm going to a murder mystery party Saturday and my character is supposed to be a gypsy juggler who is clever and funny. I just learned to juggle, now I need some jokes. Quick witted and one liners are preferred. Thanks for the help.

One liner

I can really see myself working in a mirror factory

Your favorite one liner/quick joke?

When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke.

My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

Cannibal one liner

A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.

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Most offensive one liner joke I know..

So I was eating this bitch out the other day and I tasted horse semen so I looked up and said, "Ooooooh grandma that's how you died."

Wanna hear a good one liner?

1 Dimension

My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

Any joke can be a one liner

^^^^^^^if ^^^^^^^you ^^^^^^^write ^^^^^^^small ^^^^^^^enough.

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My all-time favorite one liner NSFW

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

Good one liner

You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?

Heard this one liner at work today

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!

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A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show...

"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

I don’t always enjoy jokes about cocaine.

But some one liners make me snort.

I hate spelling errors

You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.

y = mx + c

My favourite one liner.

All these contagious people make me sick!

(trying to make sure I follow the rules, I just think it works better as a one liner)

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

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