UPJOKE

One Liner Jokes

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

Funny One Liner!

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.

One liner

If you hit a person with an electric car will you be charged for battery?

One liner

What do epileptic vegetarians eat?

-Seizure Salads

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

One liners about professions ?

Example, I would have been a doctor but I didn’t have the patience. Or, trained as a chiropractor but I couldn’t crack it.

Anyone got any more ?

Cannibal one liner

A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.

A One Liner

Tried to catch some fog yesterday.....but I mist.

One Liners & Zinger Help Request

Hi everyone. I don't know if this is allowed. If not, pls recommend where I can go.

I work in a furniture store and we want to have fun with our outdoor sign. One liners or zingers. PG13.

Give it your best shot, furniture based. The best jokes are always in the comments.

I'll go...

Best one liner jokes

I didn't ready the sidebar so crucify me if need be.

I was just looking for the best one liner jokes you've ever heard. Clean or dirty, doesn't matter.

One that always gets me: Have you heard about the depressed, cross eyed girl? She never looked forward to anything.

One liner

I can really see myself working in a mirror factory

Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one liners?

Because he can't do stand up.

Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

One liner

Wet dreams are just hand jobs from god.

Funny one liners - 2016

Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.

My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

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One liner (maybe nsfw and a repost i don't know)

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.

One liner a new friend just told me that we both thought was funny

Me: I’ve never met anyone with agoraphobia. Him: You wouldn’t

Here's a one liner I heard from a friend.

An Irish man walked out of a bar.

A bad one liner

I finally found out what trait women find most attractive in a man: The fact that he isn’t me.

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One liners

What is it about half men half horses? They always have to be centaur of attention Who here like fisting virgins? I'll be the first to put my hand up What did the shepherd's wife say to the shepherd? "You herd!" It wasn't until I stuck my dick up my arse that I finally came into myself

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

I wanted to set a record for the highest number of one liners ever read out in one session...

...but I couldn't quite get to my target of 1k.

I stopped just short of 911 jokes.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Your favorite one liner/quick joke?

When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke.

Good one liner

You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?

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Would like some joke help. Tell me your best one liner.

I'm going to a murder mystery party Saturday and my character is supposed to be a gypsy juggler who is clever and funny. I just learned to juggle, now I need some jokes. Quick witted and one liners are preferred. Thanks for the help.

Wanna hear a good one liner?

1 Dimension

Any joke can be a one liner

^^^^^^^if ^^^^^^^you ^^^^^^^write ^^^^^^^small ^^^^^^^enough.

Heard this one liner at work today

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

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Most offensive one liner joke I know..

So I was eating this bitch out the other day and I tasted horse semen so I looked up and said, "Ooooooh grandma that's how you died."

My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

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A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show...

"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

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One line jokes? [NSFW - Text]

I wanna hear some short one liner jokes.

Here's some copy pasta that i like:
I got my wife slippers and a dildo for her B-day. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

I hate spelling errors

You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

RIP to one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. The king of one liners

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Don't let your Meatloaf!

Don't let your kitchen sink. Don't let your hormone.

Help me figure out more of these one liner farewells. I've been saying these since high school and I'd like more to add to my arsenal.

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