UPJOKE

One Dollar Jokes

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Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.


Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."


Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"


Homeless man: ...

What did one dollar say to the other?

Hey, Bill

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

I bought a wig for one dollar

It was a small price toupeè

My dad gave me a one dollar bill because I’m his smartest son.

My dad gave me a one dollar bill
because I'm his smartest son,
and I swapped it for two shiny quarters because two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
and traded them to Lou,
for three dimes -- I guess he don't know that three is more than two!

Just then, along c...

Teacher to student “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”

Student: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Student: “You don’t know my father.”

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If I had one dollar for every sexist joke I've made

I'd have 79 cents

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is

I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.

If I got a dollar every time someone says I'm handsome, I'd have one dollar.

Thanks mom!

Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar?

Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there.

I have a "One dollar, one inch" rule with the ladies: you give me a dollar, you get an inch.

You give me three dollars, you get it all.

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..

Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

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I bet you one dollar I can touch your tit without touching your clothes

fuck it, it's just one dollar

A redhead goes to buy a bull

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one ...

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after th...

Back in my day you could go to the store with one dollar and come back with enough groceries to last you a week

Now they have security cameras

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the ...

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A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"

The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"

"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies

"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

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Two horny badgers

One night, two horny badgers walk into a brothel. They only had an one dollar bill to pay with. They see the clerk and ask her:

"What's in stock for us?"

"Depends. How much money do you have?"

"Only one dollar, ma'am."

"Well, with one dollar you can just go fuck yourselve...

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