UPJOKE

On The Phone Jokes

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

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Never have sex on the phone

You could get hearing AIDS

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

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My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex...

... last night she called me from Chicago!

A wife decides to surprise her husband at the office one day, and finds him on the phone with his hot secretary perched on his lap.

The husband catches sight of his wife at the same time. Without missing a beat, he says into the phone, "And in conclusion, Gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I can't be expected to continue running this office with only one chair."

My mother was horrified when I told her on the phone that I was about to meet my maker.

Until I walked through her front door a few seconds later.

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A guy was on the phone with his buddy (NSFW)

Guy- Hey, you know what has a tiny penis and hangs down?

Buddy- Idk, what?

Guy- A bat. You know what has a giant penis and hangs up?

Buddy- Idk, what?

::click::

My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”

She said, “I think the baby is coming”

Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

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I told a guy talking on the phone in the library to shut the fuck up

As a result, everyone in the library started to applaud me so I turned and told them all to shut the fuck up too.

A frantic woman on the phone:

Hello, My 4 year old son just accidently swallowed my pen, he looks very blue now...

911 operator: ok, I will send an ambulance to you right the way, what’s your address ?

Woman: 123 Centre street, please hurry up, and what should I do in the meantime?

Operator: ... could you us...

Blonde on the phone

Blonde: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to New York?

Operator: Just a minute ma'am...

Blonde: Thank you! (call ended)

So I phoned the drugs helpline and the voice on the phone said " For advice on cannabis"

Press 'hash'

Police officers report a case to their headquater on the phone

- Hey chief, we found 30 kilograms of cocaine in here, what should we do with it?

- Woah you found 20 kilograms of cocaine, that's nice.

- No chief, we found 10 kilograms only.

- No weed? Call me again if you find something.

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone:

Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
I'm Watt.
What's your name?
Watt's my name!
Yes, what's your name!?
My name is John Watt!
John what???
Yes. Are you Jones?
No. I'm Knott.
Will you ...

A guy overheard his wife on the phone with a friend…

The wife says, “Oh my god the downward dog was amazing! I feel great.”

After she hangs up, the husband says, “Downward dog, huh? I knew you were cheating!”

The wife says, “Cheating? That’s a stretch.”

Stalin is talking to Churchill on the phone.

No... No... No... No... Yes... No... No...

Stalin hangs up. His secretary asks, "Comrade Stalin, what is that you agreed with Churchill on?"

Stalin replies, "He asked me if I can hear him."

The president of Mexico just called Trump on the phone...

Yesterday the president of Mexico called Trump on the phone. They want the walll built, right now. They are even willing to pay for it, with toilet paper.

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

My dad called me earlier on the phone...

A boomerang.

Why can't pigs hear each other on the phone?

Because they have a pork connection.

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me, you’ve been on the phone..

...for 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

Man inside: “I am talking to my wife!”

Someone called me on the phone and asked me if I wanted satellite radio.

I said, “ are you Serius “?

My wife crashed and smashed up the car today. She told the police that man was was on the phone and drinking beer.

The police said, "A man can do whatever he wants in his own living room. "

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Trump calls Putin on the phone

Trump says, "You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine"

Putin responds, "Crimea river"

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

A man and his wife are on the phone while the husband is driving home

Wife: be careful! It says on the news there’s someone driving the wrong way on the road!

Husband: it’s worse than that! There are hundreds of them!

A young computer science student is on the phone with his father...

His father says: "so how have your classes been going?"

The son replies: "not bad. I did really well on my test on hexadecimal today! It was only worth fifteen points, but I'm still happy about it."

"Oh yeah? What grade did you get?"

"An F!"

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A husband on a work trip when decides to call his wife at home...

A woman the husband doesn't recognize picks up the phone.

"Who is this?" asks the husband.

"I'm the maid. I was hired yesterday," says the maid.

"Ah. Could you put my wife on the phone?" asks the husband

"No, she's busy having sex with someone in the room upstairs," repli...

What do you call and old person trying to call you on the phone?

A boomerang

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I was on the phone with late xxxtentacion...

My friends walked up to me and asked “what did jahseh?”

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

A frantic father calls the family doctor on the phone.

“Doc, you’ve got to come quick! My three-year-old son just swallowed all of my golf tees.”



“All right, stay calm,” the doctor tells the father. “I’ll be over in ten minutes.”



“What should I do in the meantime?” the father asks.



The doctor answers, “I gues...

I was on the phone with a United rep booking my flight.

They asked, "Window or aisle?"

After a moment, I replied, "Or you'll what?"

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

"Doctor doctor!, there's a man on the phone who claims he's invisible!"

"Well tell him I can't see him right now".

A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.

A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

I was just on the phone with a company that said I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band...

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!

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I hate that my wife is always on the phone during sex.

She really needs to stop texting me at work.

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I've just overheard my wife talking to her friend on the phone.

"I can't wait for Monday night, it's going to be the best sex ever!"

What a silly cunt.
Clearly she's forgotten that I'm going away on a business trip.

[ordering cake on the phone]

"And what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"Do we want a talking cake?"

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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On the phone: "What's got a small

dick and hangs down?"

'I dunno?'

"A bat. What's got a big dick and hangs up?"

**hang up phone on them**

Usually followed by a call back calling you a bastard or some sort :D

On the phone while fishing...

I was on the phone with an interviewer today while fishing when all of the sudden I get a bite, I pause trying to decide what to do. Then I tell him, "Hey can you hold for a second? I've got fish on line two."

Why does Brenda not call me back when I call her on the phone?

Cause my name's not "Back."

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Talking to my buddy on the phone, he said he cries during sex.

I was like, dude you’re such a bitch.

Then I remembered he is in prison.

I was on the phone with your mother today...

I told her to get off, there is not enough room.

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Me and my girlfriend were on the phone when the call suddenly cut out

I called her back and asked her if she was okay.
She said "Yeah, I'm fine. My call disconnected."


I said "that's a relief, I thought R.Kelly walked in and caught you on the phone."

Now she's pissed

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said "Can you hide behind the couch?" Confused, she asked "Why?"

I said "Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote."

How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone?

A Hans free device

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Me, on the phone: I have a complaint. Every time I make a sandwich, it’s always too dry.

Guy on the other end: Sir, that’s not what we do at the Mayo Clinic.

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

What did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone?

"Miss ewe!"

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

Did you hear about the fashion designer who was on the phone while driving and nearly got into an accident?

It was a clothes call.

A guy calls his girlfriend on the phone..

- Boyfriend: Sweetie, do you know how much I love you?
- Girlfriend: How much baby?
- Boyfriend: I would go thru fire, swim in the ocean full of sharks, climb all the mountains, survive in the desert like Bear Grylls, fight with bears and lions, even fight with Chuck Norris and all of the expe...

The school called me on the phone today and said, "Your son has been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.

He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"

PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."

General: "Do you know who this is?"

PFC: "No."

General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"

PFC: "Well, do you know who this is...

My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked.

The hardest part is acting surprised.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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