UPJOKE

On The Floor Jokes

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
\-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
\-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another cu...

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A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

I was kicked out of my weight watchers meeting yesterday, because I spilled a bag of M&M's on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo I've ever seen.

I saw a guy pour a pint of milk out on the floor the other day,

I thought, how dairy!

Eating porridge I just dropped on the floor is fine

It's the 5 Second Gruel

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A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man l...

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Lost my watch on the floor of a party

Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl... Not on my watch.

My wife asked me what that pile of clothes was doing on the floor

I told her it must be a dead Jedi.

She was not amused.

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I was walking near a cattle pen when my friend said "Look, there's chocolate on the floor!"

It was bullshit

I found someone else's ID on the floor last week.

Oh well, new year, new me!

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Home Depot said they had bags of manure on the floor of the garden section.

Lying sacks of shit.

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Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

why don't people care when your books fall on the floor?

Because you only got your shelf to blame

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

How do Tommy feel when his toothpaste landed on the floor?

Crestfallen.

The cost of dropping your phone on the floor

If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.

If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.

If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.

What happens when you drop a steak on the floor?

It becomes ground beef.

Why did the Swede drink on the floor of Starbucks?

Because he was told it was ground coffee

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew...

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

Three astronauts see a $10 bill on the floor

First astronaut says, “I dropped $10 on the way here, this is mine.”

Second astronaut says, “Wait, my wallet's empty, it must be mine.”

Third astronaut says, “Whose ten, we have a problem.”

Took a date home and asked her what music she liked. She wanted something with a hard beat that'll get her on the floor.

So I put on some Chris Brown.

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

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Two cups find a mirror on the floor.

One cop picks it up and says, "Hey, this face looks familiar."

He hands the mirror to the second cop, who looks at it, and says, "You're onto something, I've definitely seen this guy before."

Taking matters seriously, they go find their commander at the police station. They explain wha...

"Sir, why are you drinking on the floor?" asked the cafe waiter.

"This is ground coffee," I replied.

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The ground floor toilets were out of order. So I had to use the ones on the floor above.

That was some next level shit

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

Cause that's how I roll

What starts with a T and ends with me on the floor?

Tequila.

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

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A Jewish man is about to die on the floor of his home.

His whole family rushes when he hits the floor.

With a weak voice and a slight sob, he says "Is everyone here?"

Yes, father. We wouldn't be anywh---

His father interrupts him and says "Then why the fuck is the kitchen light on?"

What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Matt.

When it comes to dropping food on the floor, I use the 5 second rule.

Only problem is I have 2 second dogs.

My wife found a quarter on the floor of our bedroom. She asked, "What's this for?"

Apparently, "That's for last night" was not the correct answer.

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A man walks into a bar, pulls out a piece of chalk, and draws a line on the floor.

He then stood on the far side of the line and faced the door. People came in, took a look at him, and then walked around the line to go order their drinks. Eventually, a man walked in, approached the man, and stepped across the line.

Immediately, the first man took a swing and laid the second...

I dropped a duck egg on the floor...

It quacked.

In short, this joke will put you on the floor!

It's a 1 inch punch line.

What's the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

I’ve just seen someone get knocked over by a mobile library, as he was on the floor screaming and shouting due to the pain and agony the driver of the mobile library gets out and says

Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

When my undies are on the floor, my dog likes to stand on them. He quickly takes off, though...

after brief-paws.

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

I was trying to figure out what to do with the dying clown on the floor.

Then, IT hit me.

What do you call a book that was thrown on the floor?

Litter-ature

A joke about Germans - I´m German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it

Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?

A: Because deep down they are really nice.

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

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My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.

At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.

What do you call two bananas on the floor?

A pair of slippers!

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It’s easy to piss on the floor.

Be a hero. Shit on the ceiling.

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

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"Dear Husband, lets fuck on the floor"

"Why?"

"I wanna feel something hard"

A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.

The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce.

The police think he topped himself.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I had a fish that could break dance on the floor...

But only for like 30 seconds...and only once.

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead notice a sticky white substance on the floor of the elevator up to their flat...

“Looks like semen” says the brunette, eyeing it

“Smells like semen” says the blonde, sniffing it

“Nobody in this building”, says the redhead, tasting it

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

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A guy gets fired his first day on the floor

He gets fired for looking at porn at work.
During his exit interview he says, "I don't understand I thought I was supposed to work hard?"

When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor.

Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic.

One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised.

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

I pulled out my wallet and a condom fell out on the floor.

I looked hopefully at my wife and said "want to go use that?"

She said "no."

I said, "even better."

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed.

I must have fell asleep.

I accidentally spilled my bottle of rum on the floor.

I was let down because I thought I'd be the one getting wasted.

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

A fast food employee dropped my burger patty on the floor before serving it to me.

They said it was ground beef.

Why does a blonde lay on the floor while shopping?

To look for the lowest prices.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

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My grandad pointed to my dog while he was rubbing his arse on the floor.

I said, "Don't try and distract me, old man."

What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office?

Not an ambulance.

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor.

Other patrons decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. They prop him up and assist him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They finally carry him to his front door and ring ...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

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