UPJOKE

On His Head Jokes

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ...

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!"

Why did the bald guy get tattoos of rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they look like hares

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head.

"Oh my God, how the hell did that happen?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know, it started as a boil on my arse" replies the toad.

What do you call a soul singer with a biscuit on his head?

Lionel Richtea

A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head

The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "

The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head "

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Doug

A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head.

The doc asks. "And what can I do for you?."

Penguin replys. "Well Doc. It started as a growth on my foot...."

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

What type of hair will Putin soon have on his head?

Crosshair

French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head

The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them”

My dog got a cantaloupe stuck on his head

Ever since then he's been a little melon collie.

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

A man has a chicken on his head

He goes to the movie theater and says, "I'd like 2 tickets please."

The kid at the booth says, "You can't bring your chicken in here."

So the man walks around the block and puts the chicken in his pants and returns to purchase his ticket.

While watching the movie the man procee...

What do you call a Frenchman with eggs and toast on his head?

Emile

A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.

The bartender looks at him quizzically and says “Mate. Why the hell do you have a pineapple on your head?!” The man answers “Oh, it’s ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays.” The bartender says “But it’s Thursday...” Upon hearing this the man’s face changes to a look of abject horror a...

Mike Pence walks into a bar with a fly on his head.

The bartender says, “Hey you, you can’t come in here with that attached to you, it spreads disease and I run a clean establishment.”

The fly says, “I’m so sorry, but it’s stuck to my feet.”

Why did the man with feet on his head win at everything?

He always had a leg up on the competition

Did you hear about the man who had a billboard fall on his head?

He took it as a sign from above.

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

A man with a frog on his head walks into a bar

The bartender looks up at the man with a wierd and confused look on his face and asks «how did that happen?»

The man turns towards the bartender and stares into his eyes.

«Well it started with a zit on my ass» says the frog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.

"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer walks into the doctor's with a frog on his head...

...The doctor says, "That's a nasty looking growth you've got there."

"I'll say." The frog replies. "It started out as a pimple on my arse!"

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward.




What do you call a man with two planks of wood on his head?






Edward Wood.





What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?







Edward Woodward
.




What do you c...

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck standing on his head

The doctor said - "how did this happen?"

"I'm not sure. It started a couple weeks ago as a growth on my foot," says the duck.

this guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head

psychiatrist says “can i help you?” the duck says “yeah, get this guy off my ass!”

My uncle died after having a telly get dropped on his head

On the plus side, the funeral had a great service and reception

I'm told john was hit by a soda can on his head...

He was lucky it was a soft drink

I saw a guy walking through a thunderstorm with a newspaper sat on his head

He wasn’t holding it over his head, he just sat it on his head.

And I thought to myself “if that ink runs off the paper onto his head... that’s gonna make headlines.”

Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head.

I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite.

Donald Trump walks into a doctor's office with an enormous red boil on his head.

The doctor says, “My God, why didn’t you come sooner?”
The boil says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head...

The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that thing?"
Suddenly, the frog replies, "Boston, they're all over the place!"

I took my dog to the vet because he was losing hair on his head.

Apparently he's got male patting baldness.

What do you call a Muslim with a piece of ham on his head

Hamed... What do you call one with two pieces of ham on his head
Morhamed

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."

The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."

Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bald man with a frog on his head walks in to a doctor

Before the doc manages to ask, the frog squeaks:
"Something got stuck to my arse."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:

'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'

'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'

The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato...

I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today...

When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a doctor with a large, dirty toad on his head.

The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

And the toad replies, "Hey, Doc, there's something stuck to my ass."

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head...

... a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
The man said: "I'm worried about my brother."

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