Oldie But Goodie Jokes - 26 Hilarious Oldie But Goodie Jokes

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

Oldie but goodie

During a job interview, the interviewer asked me if I had any impressive qualities? I said, "Yes, I'm very fast with math!" Suspicious he asked me to prove it. He told me to solve 327x49. I said 34,567! He pulled out his calculator and put it in. With a confused look on his face he says, "That's not...

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Oldie but goodie.

A man walks into a bar, and immediately notices a man on the other end of the bar with a tiny guy playing a tiny piano in front of him. Intrigued by this, the man walks up and asks where the hell the dude got the little guy playing a piano. The man said, "Oh, well, there's this cave out in the deser...

Oldie but goodie

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I th...

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Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

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Oldie but goodie

A man went to the police station and said "Officer, I think my wife might be dead!" the incredulous cop replied, "What do you mean you *think* your wife may be dead?!" The man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink!"

Snail joke (oldie but goodie)

A snail walks into a bar, hops up on the bar stool
and orders a Jack & Coke. The bartender says “sorry no snails allowed here” ....and the bartender kicks out the snail.

2 weeks later the snail finally re-enters the bar again and asks: “what the f*ck did you do that for”?

(Oldie but goodie) Why did Beethoven quit fishing?

Because you can’t tune a fish but you can tuna a piano

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Oldie but goodie

Girl says to her mother “I read better than half the other girls in my class Momma is it because I’m blonde”? “Yes honey it’s because you’re blonde”. “I can run faster than most of the other girls too momma, is it because I’m blonde”? “Yes honey it’s because you’re blonde”. “I have big boobies too m...

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Superman (oldie but goodie)

One day Superman is flying around Metropolis as he normally does.

He looks down and notices through the open window of her apartment, Wonder Woman, laying on her bed, legs spread apart, completely naked.

The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down ...

Oldie but goodie

What do you call an occupied lavatory on an in-flight 747?

Hypotenuse.

Here's an oldie but goodie that hopefully hasn't been re-posted a thousand times:

A man is making love to his boss's wife and she passionately whispers in his ear, "Kiss me!"

He says, "Are you out of your mind? I shouldn't even be doing THIS!'

I read that in Bob Newhart's autobiography years ago and it has always stuck out as one of those weird jokes that halfwa...

An oldie but goodie: A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana

He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear slams his paw down and demands a beer. The bartender repeats "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, now furious, looks around...

Oldie but goodie: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi jammin

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Oldie but goodie. A man with no arms and no legs is hanging out on a bridge, crying.

A lady walks up to him and asks “why are you crying?”. The man responds “I was born with no arms and no legs, and life has been cruel. I’ve never felt the embrace of a woman giving me a hug”.

So the lady wraps her arms around him, tells him it’s gonna be okay, but he’s still crying. So she as...

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

An oldie but goodie

Three women, a redhead, brunette and blonde, find themselves stranded on a deserted island. While looking for supplies the redhead stumbled upon an old, well decorated bottle. After she brought it back to camp she and her friends began to clean it off when suddenly a genie sprang out of the bottle. ...

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A Southern Oldie But Goodie....

**Disclaimer: Must be read in a deep Southern drawl.**

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her. She pointed at a baby and said, "Is that your baby boy there?" The first woman replied, "Why, yes it ...

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(Apples ) oldie but goodie!

Jim was driving through the country when he saw a sign reading, "Apples $5 each."
"That's a lot of money for one apple!" he thought, so he stopped to see what's up.
Jim asked the farmer, "Why are your apples so expensive?"
The farmer replied, "Because they are special peanut butter and jell...

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An oldie but goodie... A young Indian brave walks into the tee-per of the wisest man in the tribe...

“Father, I know because of your great wisdom, it has fallen upon you to name each new child born into our family. Please tell me- how did you acquire such wisdom?”

“My son, it is not so much wisdom as it is observation. Whenever a child is born, I look out the flap of my tee-pee and I will l...

Oldie but goodie. The russian, mexican and texan, drinking and fishing together

A Russian, Mexican and Texan are all fishing and drinking on a boat on the Rio grande. The Russian cracks open a brand new bottle of vodka, takes one swig, then throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it with his pistol. The Mexican said, "why you do that for homes?" the Russian said, "comrade wh...

(Oldie but goodie) What do you get when you mix an elephant, a helicopter and a rhino?

Hell if I know.

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[Oldie but goodie] The three stages of a married couple's sex life

Tri weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....

....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o’clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says “I bet you $100 he does it.” Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...

A few minutes later, bartender comes back. “I’m sorry man, I can’t t...

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders h...

Englishman, Frenchman and New Yorker Meet The Cannibals

Oldie but goodie

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are out exploring, and they're captured by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says "We're going to eat you now, because we're cannibals and that's what we do. But we're not savages like we used to be, so we're not going to tortur...

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