UPJOKE

Old Women Jokes

An old women goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your ...

Two 81 year old women travelled the world

Two 81 year old women travelled the world in 80 days after the post office lost their ashes.

3 Old Women and a Flasher

Three old women are sitting on a park bench when a man
comes by and flashes them.

Two of them have a stroke, and the third one couldn't
reach.

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What do old women and dog shit have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

How do you call the site where you hook up with old women?

Instagran

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3 Old Women

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old,

“You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine.

“When you’re 70, you don’t h...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

Why don't old men like old women?

Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

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Two old women are talking to each other.

One says "I think I have cancer, I found 2 lumps under my breasts". The other replies "oh you old hag, it's not cancer honey, those are your kneecaps!"

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A 50 year old women posts a dating ad.

" I need a man who wont beat me, wont leave me, and must be good in bed. Will share all my wealth."

A day later, she hears her door bell ring. To her surprise a man with no legs or arms in a wheel chair greets her.

" this is a joke right? Are you here about the ad?" says the women....

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

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2 old women are out for a walk...

They are talking philosophically about how their lives went now that they are close to the end of their lives. One woman asks “if you could do it all over again, would you marry your husband again?”

The woman replies “Of course, because FUCK HIM!”

Do old women wear panties or thongs????

Depends

Why don't old women have babies?

Their arms aren't long enough for breastfeeding.

A police officer stops a old women on the interstate for speeding....

....He pulls her over and asks her if she has and weapons in her vehicle. She reply’s
“
yes I have a 22 in my glove box.”

He says ok anything else? she says,

“yes I have a shotgun in my trunk. “

He reply’s, is that all. She says

“no I have a handgun in my purse.”...

How do you get fifty old women to say f**k?

Shout "Bingo!"

Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.

"Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails," the first woman explains.
"My husband had the same habit," the second woman explained, “but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth."

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Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buseswere running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my buttfell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

Why do old women stay in prison?

Without a period, the sentence continues.

What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women?



Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed.

Three old women are commiserating...

Myrtle, Edith and Bertha are sitting around commiserating about the pitfalls of old age. Myrtle says, "The other day, I was in the bathroom with one leg in the tub, and I couldn't remember if I was stepping in or stepping out!". Then Edith chimes in, "Well that's nothing! The other day I was at the ...

Three old women were sitting on a park bench...

...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

Police and Old Women

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that the...

I call this poem Old Women's Knickers

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Ethels are green

What do you call it when Jerry sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry hat trick.

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

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Three old women compare their husbands penises to soda

The first woman says "My husbands penis is like 7-up, because it's seven inches and it's always up."

The second women says "My husbands penis is like Mountain Dew, because all my husband wants is to do, do do."

The third women says "My husbands penis is like RC Cola"
they ask her, "...

Three old women are sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks up and opens his coat

Two women had strokes but the other one’s arms weren’t long enough

Two old women were driving down the freeway...

at 10 miles per hour, eventually the police came and pulled them over. Once the officer got up to their window he asked "Miss are you aware that you are traveling at 10 mph on the freeway?"

"Why yes officer that is the speed limit after all."

The officer was taken back from her statem...

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60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

Three old women live in a house together...

The first one —a 96 year old, has drawn herself a bath and is about to get in. She suddenly stops and calls to her sisters

"Was I getting into the tub or out of the tub?".

The second sister —a 94 year old, replies

"Hold on, I'll come help you".

She begins walking u...

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[long] Old age [NSFW]

It is Bingo night and the 70 year old women are discussing who is the “hottest” widower at the old folks home.

One says “Arnold is the hottest gentleman here, he has hair and most of his teeth!”

Another says “Barry is the sexiest man here, just look at the way he gets around on his ...

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

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At the movies

2 old women, Martha and Ethel, go to the theater. After watching the movie for a while, Martha nudges Ethel and whispers," Ethel, the man next to me is masturbating". Ethel whispers back,"Just ignore him Martha".

Martha replies," I can't ignore him. He's using my hand".

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

A cop pulls over a car.

He goes up to the window and finds a little old lady in the driver seat. The cop say "Ma'am the reason I pulled you over is because you were driving well below the speed limit and causing a long line of traffic to back up. It's very unsafe."

The lady replied "No officer. The sign back there s...

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

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