UPJOKE

Old Ladies Jokes

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach far enough.

Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that th...

Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.

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What has 90 balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo

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How do you get 50 little old ladies to scream FUCK at the same time?

Have the 51st scream BINGO!

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Old Ladies at the Beach

A man at the nude beach is checking his tan and realizes there's one part of him that isn't tanned. Yep, THAT part. So, he covers it liberally with suntan lotion and proceeds to bury himself in the sand leaving only his mouth, nose, and member exposed.

Two old ladies are walking down the pa...

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about...

Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

Two old ladies met at the park...

The first old lady asked, "Did you come on the bus?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

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Three old ladies at the park

1st lady: “I have the BEST son - he calls me once a week!”

2nd lady:”I have the best son - he gives me flowers every Sunday!”

3rd lady: “No, I have the best son - he sees a therapist EVERY DAY, and ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS ME!!”

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Two old ladies smoking

Two old ladies are outside smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. One pulls out a condom, cuts off the tip, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking.

The other old lady is surprised and asks about it. The first one explains that it’s just a condom. She buys them at the pharmacy and...

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

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Make old ladies cuss.

Q-How do you make 4 old ladies say "fuck" at the same time?

A- you tell the fifth one to scream "bingo".

I started a service to deliver groceries to little old ladies.

It's called Spinstacart.

Have you ever noticed that old ladies all smell the same?

Especially when you dig them up after 3 weeks.

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."

Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each ...

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There are two old ladies at a park. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the Rich lady's birthday last week.

"my husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"he also got me a Mercedes C class" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"so what did yours get you?" asks the rich lady

"a book about anger mana...

A couple of old ladies were sitting outside

on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren. "I send gifts, greeting cards and cheques with substantial amount of money to my grandchildren and still they don't visit me" said the first one sadly..

The second old lady said" Oh i too send cheques to my grandchildren and th...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

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Old ladies

Two old ladies were sitting outside a pharmacy smoke a cigarette when it starts to rain. One old lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom, snips the tip off, slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking. The other old lady looks shocked and says, "I'm gonna have to try that."
So ...

An old ladies dies and goes to heaven...

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees so...

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Two Old Ladies

There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, "want a smoke?"

She replies, "Here? How?" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. Th...

Two old ladies were attending a church service

And about half way through one says:

"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The other woman proceeds to lean over slowly and say:

"Put some new batteries in your bloody hearing aids!"

Three old ladies playing a round of bridge

The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."

The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was ...

Three Old Ladies

I found this on the internet and thought it was pretty funny

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.

Margaret says, “My Freddie. Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flow...

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