UPJOKE

Old Guy Jokes

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean."

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."

The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, co...

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer!

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Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf.

Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green.

Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks ou...

Two old guys are at a bar drinking a scotch on the rocks

First Guy: looking at his ice cubes, " these ice cubes have holes in them, when did they invent this stuff?"

Second guy: "Must be a long time ago, I have been married to one for forty years."

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll...

A woman noticed an old guy had his zipper down.

She pointed it out to him and he said "did ya see that tall soldier in there standing at full attention?"

She said, "No, but I saw an old veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

Three old guys are sitting around in the park.....

discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, “I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me.”

“Aww, that’s nothing,” says Irv. “I can remember this nice, dark room, and then...

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.

The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked...

Asked an old guy at the bar: "what's the best beer here?"

He said: "the third one"

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Three Old Guys

Three old guys were having their early morning coffee klatsch and the first one said “I feel like I have to pee all the time, but it’s just drips and drabs! It’s just awful!
The second guy complains about pooping: I huff and puff and all I get are a few rabbit turds, it’s awfull.
The third guy...

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

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An old guy loses his wife.

Frustrated and looking for a new life, the guy sells everything except his SUV, converts them to a bar of gold, takes his daughter with him and starts a journey to the unknown.

On the road, bandits stop them, ask for everything they have. Girl sees that they have no chance, so she puts the ba...

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Two old guys chatting.

First guy: The wife and I fuck like rabbits every night.

Second guy: You lucky bastard, I get it once a month, and I call it the Bruce Lee night.

First guy: Why the fuck do you call it that for?

Second guy: Because it's the night I enter the dragon.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Old guy walks into the doctor's office...

He says "Doc, I can't pee anymore"

Doctor says "How old are you?"

"94"

"You've peed enough"

How old guys pick up women.

I am getting on in years and not the best looking
guy anymore.

Some would even say I'm a little frayed around
the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money
and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in...

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Sitting next to an old guy at the bar.

He says to me "When I was 16, I couldn't bend my dick using both hands. Now I'm 73 and I can push it over with my little finger. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"

Two old guys are having a chat in a nursing home, when a naked old woman with a walker crosses very slowly in front of them

First guy says, "Elmer - what the hell was that?"

Second guy says, "Joe - I have no idea, but it certainly needed ironing!"

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his...

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

Two old guys talking.

Guy 1: As I get older all I need is, Spec-savers, Boots, and Greggs..


Guy 2: Yep, life is all Specs, and Drugs and Sausage rolls!!!

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Friends of an old guy hire him a prostitute for his 90th birthday...

She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and shouts, “I’m here to give you super sex!”

The old man thinks a second and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

optimistic old guys.

Two old guys on a park bench are talking.

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60 I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be ...

So an old guy is walking in the woods

He hears a voice "Hey mister!". He looks down and there's a frog on the ground. "Hey mister" says the frog "kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you all night long!" The old guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket and walks on. The frog says "Hey mister, maybe you...

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An old guy wants to surprise his old wife in bed for her birthday

He grabs her, and they start making out. He slowly makes his way down, and starts giving her oral.

A few seconds later, he gets back up, and says “I’m sorry, I can’t stay down there anymore, it smells awful!”.

“No, it’s ok, I’m sorry... I think I have arthritis” says the wife.

“...

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Three old guys are hanging out in the nursing home

They're old friends, and every day they sit together and shoot the breeze.

One day, Bob, the 70 year old, says "You know, I don't mind getting old. I can still play golf, flirt with the ladies - life's good! But you know what I miss? I miss peeing. Lord, I haven't had a good piss in years - I...

Three really old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.

Two old guys walk into a bar.

There was a dog on a leash outside licking its balls. One guy said “I wish I could do that”. The other guy said “how about you start petting him first”.

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?

A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."

^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

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I was sitting at a bar beside this old guy..

After a few drinks the old guy leans over to me and says,"I fucked your mother"

I ignored him

A couple more drinks he leans back over and says, " Your mother blew me"

I kept my cool and ignored him again

A couple more drinks and he leans over and says, " I fucked your mo...

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Two old guys chatting.

First guy said, I had a terrible sleep last night, I was tossing and turning all night long.

Second guy said, I slept like a baby, woke up, no hair, no teeth and I'd fucking shit myself.

What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women?



Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed.

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An old Irish guy retires and moves to the country…

An old Irish guy retires and moves to the country, he visits the local pub on the Saturday night, orders 3 pints which the barman pulls. The old guy drinks the 3 pints then leaves. Same thing the next week and the next. On the 4th week, the barman knowing his routine says, if you just give me a n...

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Old guy goes to see his doctor...

He’s a little hard of hearing so brings along his wife to help hear for him.

The nurse says “OK Mr. Jones, I’m gonna need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.”

“The old guy turns to his wife and asks ‘what did she say?’ ”

“She needs your underwear, darling.”

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What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has sex with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

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80 year old guy goes into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year blonde.

He tells the jeweller he just met this fine young lady and wants to treat her to something special. The jeweller pulls out a $5000 dollar ring and asks if that will do? The old guy says damn no this lady is way more special than that. So the jeweller pulls out a $20,000 rings and asks if that is spe...

An old guy just bought a brand new corvette.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He f...

An old guy walks into a biker bar...

... And sits down next to the leader of the gang.

"Your mom is pretty hot, you know?".

The biker chief sips his beer, sighs...

"Just go home, dad.".

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So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor ...

Old guy with his personal trainer

Old Guy in the gym with a personal trainer: What machine do I use to get the hot girls?

Trainer: The ATM in the lobby!

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Where old guys eat

A group of softball players, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the softball buddies once ag...

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy.
"What happened?" asked the other guy.
"We met," sighed the first.

What's common between an old guy and a painting?

It only takes one bad stroke to kill them.

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A traveling salesman stopped at a remote hillbilly bar for a beer. As he sat at the bar, the bartender shouted “Showtime!”

A wrinkled old man stepped into a spotlight, dropped his pants, pulled out a huge dick, and shattered three walnuts. Then he bowed and disappeared.

Five years later, the salesman came by again and it was the very same thing.

Another five years go by; the salesman stopped at the bar. A...

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

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Three old guys are sitting around talking.

One subject leads to another, when the subject of pain comes up.

First guy says "you ever zipped your foreskin into your jeans? That's pain.."

Second guy, "that's not pain, you ever had the trots and went to jump on the toilet in a hurry and trapped one of your nuts between your leg a...

Old guy buys a new sports car.....

And right after he leaves the salesroom, he floors the gas pedal making him zip in the road. He notices that a police car, with it's siren blaring so he really puts the pedal to the max. While in hot pursuit, he realizes that he's too old for this. So he pulls over, waiting for the cop to catch up t...

I met a old guy, he’s been married 60 years. I asked “how did you do it”...

He answered, on my honeymoon I took my wife to France, I go back next week to pick her up.

My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, “He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!”

So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.

He said, “F**k off.”

I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, “Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?”

I said, “He told me to f**k off.”

“Oh no,” said my wife, “Now we’ll never know.”

How do you know if an old guy fought in Vietnam?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

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Two 80 year old guys were discussing their sex lives

Hey, Morris what’s really helping with the ladies is that Russian Rye bread I’ve been eating

Morris is curious and goes to the bakery

He says give me 3 loaves of your Russian Rye please!

The lady says be careful, it’s gonna be hard in 3 days

Morris says what the F

...

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I went to watch some porn and all it was was a sad old guy with his dick in his hand.

Then I realized the screen wasn't switched on.

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

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Two old guys are drinking

Two elderly men are out drinking one evening. They've been friends since childhood and they are both approaching their 80th birthdays. As they sit at the bar and reminisce about their lives one of the men glances across the bar and sees another couple of buddies who are also up in years out drinking...

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A 30 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check up

After running some labs and checking vitals, the doctor asks the patient some questions.

Doctor: How often do you drink?

Patient: I've never touched the stuff.

Doctor: What about tobacco use?

Patient: Never tried it. Never will.

Doctor: Do you use any recreation...

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An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on...

The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I scre...

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Three old guys are sitting on a park bench,

the first says 'I remember I used to be able to see all the pretty girls go by here. . . now . . . not so much.' The second old guy says 'Yah, it's the vision, it goes, it goes -- but me, I remember being able to smell their perfume as they passed' The first old guy says back 'Yah, it's the sense of...

An Old Guy Befriends a Woman in a Nursing Home

This old guy sits down next to a woman in a nursing home and tells her his wife died and asks if he could sit with her and hold her hand like his wife used to. She said it would be ok. After a little while he asks her if she could put her hand in his pants pocket like his wife used to do. She doesn...

What do you call a 23 year old guy with no friends, depression, social anxiety anda no job?

An average redditor

Old guy to friend: "I just bought the most expensive hearing aid in the world. Works great!"

Friend: "Cool! What kind is it?"

Old guy: "Quarter to ten."

An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Fou...

I found a poor old guy unconscious by the side of a road

At least I think he was poor because I only found 3$ on him

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There is a 25 year old guy walking a tightrope across a Deep River Gorge while Halfway Around the World another 25 year old guy was getting a blowjob from a 70 year old woman but at the exact moment both men were thinking the exact same thought

Don't Look Down

A man was mending his roof.

A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?" The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man t...

The Greatest Old Guy Joke of all Time

There was an old guy who took suppositories as a medication. One time he went to a resaurant with his wife, she said,"What is a suppository doing in your ear." The old man says,"Oh! now I know where my hearing aids are!"

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

An old guy at Walmart told me this tonight (and acted like it was a true story)

“I was at the bar last night and as the night went on, this fat chick got up on the table and started dancing. She moving all over on the table and finally I look up and tell her, “Nice legs!” She’s like, “Thanks, you think?” I reply, “Of course, otherwise the table would have collapsed by now!”

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?"

The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

A little old man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked

**"How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours from now." The old guy left.**

**A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber l...

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