UPJOKE

Old Grandpa Jokes

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

From my 91 year old grandpa

Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vita-min.

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Dear Old Grandpa

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The guard asked, "What's he like?"

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits," the boy replied.

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Good old Grandpa

"You kids today," says a college student's grandpa. "All you do is stay in the house all day and play video games. When I was your age, my buddies and I went to Paris, and went to the Moulin Rouge. We fucked some of the dancers right on stage, went behind the bar, robbed the register, and stayed the...

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John visited his 90-year old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

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An 18 year old asks his 91 year old grandpa to go fishing.

Grandpa: Let's go skydiving instead.

Grandson: Aren't you afraid that something could go wrong and we could die?

Grandpa: As old as I am dying is only my third biggest fear.

Grandson: What's your second?

Grandpa: Not making the most out of the time I have left.

Th...

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Little Timmy was hanging with his 90 years old Grandpa

**Timmy :** Grandpa, What are you reading .. ???

**Grandpa** : History, My son.

**Timmy** : Why are you lying grandpa, you are reading an Erotica of sex positions.

**Grandpa** : Isn't that history for me motherfucker ?

My 82 year old Grandpa's favorite joke

A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down and says

"I'll have a beer and a mop"

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That wor...

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Good old grandpa!

Grandpa: gatherer around little ones! I am going to tell you a story of my youth!

Kids: yaayy grandpa!! tell us, tell us!!

Grandpa: When I was young I used to be an explorer and a hunter!

Kids: Wooowww really grandpa?

Grandpa: yes yes.. this one time I was in the Amazo...

they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?

grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

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My 70 year old grandpa told me this one the other

A native American boy goes up to his father and asks.

"Father how do you come up with our names?"

The father replies "Well the morning your sister was born we looked outside and there was a lark in the grass so we named her Morning Lark"

The boy replies "Okay well how about my ...

A cat is walking across a train track... (joke from my 94 yr old grandpa)

The cat just makes it across the second rail as a train comes speeding past, cutting off the tip of the cat's tail. The cat at once jumps up and around, and its head is run over. The moral is, don't lose your head over a little tail.

So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?


You skip them both.

My 89 year old Grandpa told me this one tonight... An elderly man bought his wife a Christmas present

An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Christmas. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same...

What do you get a man who has everything?

Penicillin.


Source: my 90 year-old grandpa, this Christmas morning

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Grandpa’s take on porn

While visiting his grandparents, a teen walks into the living room and sees that he’s grandpa is watching porn. Slightly shocked the grandson says “Grandpa, what are you doing?” Grandpa not in the least bit startled replies “watching history shows sonny” so the grandson realizing the old man’s mista...

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The secret to a long marriage

On a golden wedding anniversary celebration grandson ask his old grandpa: "Grandpa, you and grandma have been married for 50 years! What is the secret to a long marriage?"


Grandpa: "Listen sonny... it's quite simple. In life, there are 3 types of women... the ones you bang ... and the one...

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Grandpa goes to the medical store

An old grandpa goes to a medical store/chemist and druggist and asks the boy at the counter for 5mg Viagra.

The counter boy says, "_Pops, at your age it would take 50mg of dosage to get your thing up to functioning hardness_."

Grandpa replied, "_Oh no son, I don't need to perform in be...

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!

Just drop your pants and under shor...

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Grandpa's war stories

An old grandpa is telling his grandkinds his war stories:

"Kids, one day I was minding my own business when on guard when I saw two German soldiers infront of me. Kids... I shit my pants..."

"But why did you shit yourself grandpa? They were only two Germans?" the grandchildren asked....

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Little Johnny is fishing with his grandpa...

Grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Can I have a sip of that"? asks Johnny.
"Can your dick touch your asshole"? replies Grandpa.
"Well, No" answers Johnny.
"Then NO" says Grandpa.

Some time goes by and Grandpa lights up a cigarette.
"Can I try that"? asks little Johnny.
"Can your d...

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

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