UPJOKE

Oh My Jokes

My wife made a Freudian slip while we were making love.

She said, "Yes! Oh yes! Oh my God Sigmund!!"

Division

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
...

Deja Vu

A man was sitting on a couch, reading something on his phone when suddenly he complained to his wife: "Honey, im reading something on my phone, and i swear i have read that before. Do you think im having a Deja Vu?" To which, his wife replies: "Oh my dear, are you reading r/Jokes again?"

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

When Max went to his violin lessons, he found a gun in his case.

"Oh my god!" he yelped "Now my old man is in the bank with my violin."

The wife's weight gain, through overeating and laziness, had become the final straw in an already strained relationship and I decided I would just have to kill her.

I hid in the kitchen, knowing it wouldn't be long before she turned up looking to raid the fridge. And sure enough, she soon came waddling in.

I leapt out from behind a cupboard, arm raised, brandishing a huge knife..


"OH MY GOD!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are we havi...

Two muffins are rising in the oven

One says to the other "Hot enough in here for ya?"

The other muffin says "Oh my god! a talking muffin!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hospital volunteer runs to the charge nurse's desk and exclaims: "Oh my god, two of the terminally ill cancer patients are trying to have sex! What should we do!"

The charge nurse, flabbergasted, replies: "is this some kind of sick fucking joke!?"

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

The golfing nun

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play g...

A woman sees her doctor about ongoing abdominal pain and cramps.

She's nervous during the examination, fearing that she may be pregnant. The doctor brings back her test results and says, "It looks like you'll have to get used to changing diapers from now on."

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant?" she asks, nearly in tears. "Am I pregnant?"

The doctor replies, ...

An american tourist is visiting Paris

He takes a taxi for a ride around the city, sees Notre Dame cathedral and asks the driver:



\-What's that ?



\-Notre Dame cathedral.



\-How long did it take to build it ?



\-I don't know, 50 years maybe ?



\-Oh my god, that's s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A constipated blonde goes to the doctor, who prescribes her with suppositories.

A week later, the blonde comes back and tells the doctor that she's still constipated.

"Did you take the suppositories like I asked you to?"

"I did, but it didn't work."

"Oh my. This had never happened to one of my patients before. My suppositories have always worked! Why didn't...

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

When little Johnny was about 3 he got curious and stuck his hand in a mannequin’s pants.

His is mom said, “No little Johnny there is teeth in there that will bite off your hand.”

Years later he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out and she said, “Why don’t you ever stick your hand in my pants?”

Johnny said, “Oh my mom says there’ s teeth that will bite o...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 blondes are walking in the woods.

3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,

"Caitlyn you dumb bitch those are bear tracks!"

The third blonde chimes in,

"Oh my go...

A man flashes a woman at the grocery store

She says " Oh my gosh ! Thank you ! I almost forgot to get baby carrots

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For all baseball fans enjoying the 2022 Fall Classic....

Two friends have loved each other, and attended countless ballgames located all over the world, and enjoyed excellent baseball moments together

Decades passed, and one of the two buddies became terribly ill. It was time for one of the two friends to sleep peacefully for eternity.

The ...

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Priest's Lottery

A saintly priest had the dream to build a great home for the elderly. He also had faith that God would help him.

He'd been praying for 20 years to win the lottery, ceaselessly, his faith never faltering.

Finally, one day, when he is praying most intensely, an angel appears before him.<...

A nun runs crying out of the doctor's office

The nurse asks the doctor "Why is she so upset?"

"Oh," the doctor says, "I just told her she was pregnant."

"Oh my! She's pregnant?"

"No, not really, but I sure cured her hiccups."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

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