UPJOKE

Not Sleeping Jokes

I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital

So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.  

"I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping.  What's the problem, doc?"

The doctor thoroughly examined the drunk and remarked, "I can't find anything wrong with you.  It must be the drinking." ...

Mother's Trick.

John and Mike are 2 roomates. One day John's mother visited them for a day.
While they were all eating dinner, the Mother was looking at the two boys and how they were acting. It didn't help that Mike was extremely handsome, which made the mother wondering if there was something more between t...

My sister has this new guy

Totally bald, sleeps all day, if he's not sleeping he screams at her, she gotta cook his food, he doesn't work, doesn't clean (actually, he mostly just causes a huge mess), doesn't do anything, but she really loves him.

I have no idea what makes people love babies.

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend'...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

I don't like the new guy my neighbor has

He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.

I really can't figure out what people see in b...

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

We’ve been married for years and I still call my wife my baby.

That’s because if she’s not sleeping, she’s screaming and I don’t understand why.

One evening I drove my sister home.

Her boyfriend and her cat Timmy were waiting there for her.

Me: "How's your chubby?"

Her: "Aw, you know him. Sometimes he is hungry. Sometimes he cries for attention if he is not sleeping. But if we ignore him good enough, he then jumps up onto the couch and cuddles with us. All in all...

As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety

than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

Teacher, Why are you sleeping in the class

Teacher: Why are you sleeping in the class ??

Student: Your Voice is so sweet Mam that's why
I am getting sleep.

Teacher: Then why other people are not sleeping?

Student: They are not Listening to you Mam.

What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall?

Border Collies!

I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One I heard in 4th grade and remembered out of the blue today.

A sexy pirate captain had been at sea for 6 months, she was the perfect woman, a huge rack, a tight waist, long slender legs that lead up to nice tight ass. She was perfect except for her one wooden eye of which she was extremely sensitive. After 6 months at sea she was hot for it and ready to break...

A man visits a a lovely old couple for dinner.

The man sits down after the table has been set. The man looks down and says, "these dishes are still dirty!" The husband says, "they are as clean as creek water gets 'em!"

The man then goes to the restroom and sees the disgusting toilet bowl, he comes back saying, "do you ever clean around h...

3 balloons: Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon:

"Look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed."

Baby balloon protests: "I like sleeping with you and mommy."

"No, you are not sleeping with us and that is final!" says daddy balloon. ...

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old russian joke

A train packed with passengers is going from Moscow to Petersburg. Two men happen to be in the same section, one on the to shelf, one on the bottom.
The one sleeping on the bottom shelf wakes up because of a terrible stench. He realizes large pieces of shit are falling on him from the top shelf.<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.