UPJOKE

Not My Fault Jokes

It's not my fault I'm such a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

It's not my fault I'm a sunophile.

It's just so hot and attractive.

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

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I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

A man sees his wife in pain as the baby is kicking.

Husband: Oh honey, I can't imagine what it feels like.

Wife: Don't worry, it's not your fault.

Husband: What do you mean its not my fault?

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The first thing i look for in a girl is her heart

the fact that’s her tits are in the way is not my fault

My wife is mad at me because I made a pass at her sister.

It’s not my fault she fumbled the ball and the other team scored a touchdown.

I started dating a girl 4 years ago who's a paraplegic but she left me...

She told me I was always pushing her around. It's not my fault she wouldn't stand up for herself.

Chinese takeout: $25.00, Gas to get there: $2.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes: Riceless.

My Lawyer gave me great advice

He always said I should never apologise if it’s not my fault because I could be admitting liability and landed with a big bill.

However his uncle died recently and I sent him a condolence card and my trial starts next week.

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

It's not my fault!

Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say "Hello" from the other side...



(not my fault - stole it from "Tim and Friends")

Frankenstein's monster went to a party

The Bride asks him if he wants to dance, but the monster declines. She asks him if he has Two Left Feet, and he confirms it. "It's not my fault. The Doctor couldn't find a right foot for me."

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I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision?

It's not my fault.

Put your foot in it eh?

I came home from work to a note from the wife saying;
"I've left you because you are stupid and bigoted".

I'm not stupid, I'm dyslexic and its not my fault I've got big toes!

All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

Why did I get kicked out

All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I fucked her twin sister.

It’s not my fault. They’re conjoined at the hip.

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My buddy’s girlfriend walked in on him getting a blowjob from another woman

He didn’t even apologise or anything, just looked her in the eye and said “It’s not my fault, her tongue piercing got magnetically attracted to me.”

That dude must have balls of steel.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

I got expelled from school on pajama day.

Its not my fault I sleep naked.

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My wife asked why i always come back with a boner after i go to the toilet?

Its not my fault they put a mirror in there!

People were so upset at me during a funeral this morning....

Don't know why, not my fault I had mourning wood.

My girlfriend says she wants to see other people

I told her a thousand times it's not my fault she's blind

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

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Yesterday my wife said I must really be fucking stupid for coming home so late

Hey, it's not my fault her sister's an idiot.

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I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

Boston people are so rude.

I see this guy searching under his Prius, and I ask him how I can help.

He tells me hes looking for his shorts, and then flips out when I point out he is wearing them.

Its not my fault the idiot told me he lost his khakis.

The waitress insisted that I tip her...

So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!

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I told my son I wasn't going to take any more photos because they all had red eye

He said "fuck you dad, it's not my fault I'm albino."

Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...

I've grown a fetish where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.

Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*

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The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes

Here are the Top 10 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes!

1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng


2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle


3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical q...

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My Dad is mean :(

So, today's my dad birthday, and I got him some socks. He then looked at me like I was crazy and called me a cunt. Jeez, not my fault he doesn't have any legs.

I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign

I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.

Just got back from the police station.

Got arrested last night for punching someone.

It's not my fault though, when you hear a Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

A man is planning his vacation,

As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant...

My wife is always complaining about me talking behind her back and how I always push her to do things...

It’s not my fault she’s in a wheelchair.

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Failed my audition in a play since I was being "innappropriate"

Fuck knows what they were on about though, not my fault my script said "Enter Juliet from rear"

The ghost of Ronald Reagan floats into a man's house

As he walks through the wall the man exclaims to his friend 'look dude! Holy s**t its Ronald Reagan! Head on upstairs Mr Reagan you can haunt the attic!'

A few minutes later another ghost floats in, this time its David Bowie. Again the guy yells in excitement 'Dude! It's David Bowie! Mr Bowie...

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

The horse starts crying. In between the sobs, he says "it's not my fault I look like Sarah Jessica Parker!"

Patient goes to the doctor about his obesity...

He says "It's not my fault doctor, obesity runs in my family."

Doctor replies, "No the problem is no one runs in your family."

A man rolls up in the workshop with his car

The mechanic asks:
"Woa there, what did you do with that? The Bumper is ruined!"
The man replies:
"Yeah, I kinda ran over a frenchman"
The mechanic replies:
"What? I mean all the mud there, I don't see any blood"
The man replies:
"Not my fault he ran into the field to escape!"

A man gets a job painting lines on the road

One the first day the boss tells him to go as far as he can. So he paints for two miles.

The boss is pleased and tells him to come back tomorrow.

The next day he paints 1 .5 miles.
The boss understands that he is new, so he tells him to come again tomorrow.

He then paints 1/...

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A women goes in a sex shop and asked for the best dildo.

The seller tells her :

- Take this one, the Zizi Voodoo. You just have to say twice "Zizi Voodoo" and a part of your body where you want it to go and it does straight away!
- Ok, awesome. I'll take it.

On her ride back home she decided to try it in her car. She says

- Zizi Vo...

An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.

A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight.

The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!"

The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

Businessman, proposition, and a beautiful chorus girl..

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of the well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for S500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things had transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him but would h...

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