UPJOKE

Not Getting Jokes

A pastor and a music leader were not getting along.

As time went by, the feud began to spill over into the service.

The first week the pastor preached on listening to the will of God and following his will. The music leader led the song "I Shall Not Be Moved"

The second week the pastor preached on giving to the Lord's ministry. The musi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called, when a prostitute finds out she is not getting paid, but still finishes the job?

Sunk cost fallatio

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We're not getting anywhere in geometry class.

It feels like we're going in circles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady complains to her best friend that she is not getting satisfied at home

\- "I even can't remember when was the last time we had it. I am losing my mind."

\- "My husband stopped having sex with me long time ago too. But I found a replacement"

\- "How? Tell me more about it."

\- "Well, whenever I feel like having it, I just call plumbers. By the time ...

My friend told me that not getting enough sleep always catches up with you

I guess we’ll just Zzzz if that’s true

I’m not getting any cell service at this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts concert

But it’s okay; I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reception.

What’s four inches long and not getting sucked on Valentine’s Day?

Whitney Houston’s crack pipe.

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

I opened a bar in Romania for low-ranking demons, but I'm not getting any business.

I suppose Vlad the Imp-aler wasn't a good name.

What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any?

Carpaltunnel

If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember

Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.

I`m not getting any younger so.....

I decided to get in shape by going to the local gym. I said to the trainer "Which machine should I use for best results in attracting women." He said "There`s one outside never fails, it`s called an ATM."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, “I don’t have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday.” The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, “I told you, I don’t have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kid's not getting shit for his birthday.

Feces would be a terrible gift.

You know I was thinking about not getting fat,

But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

A salesman drove into a small town...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Ita...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

ah auto correct!

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

block quote
"I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and I have to confess.”

I have been tapping your wife for many weeks now.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I hope yo...

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80 year old man

goes to the prostitutes. He asks "I'd like a blowjob please". He pays and the woman takes him upstairs. He takes his pants off and she goes to work. After 30 minutes she sighs "I've been licking and sucking like crazy, but it's not getting hard". "No" he says, "but it's getting a lot cleaner!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can I have a beer?

A young boy sat next to his grandfather on the front step and asked if he could have a sip of his beer. The grandpa asked him “can the head of your dick touch your asshole?” The boy replied “No”. The grandpa said “well then you’re not old enough”. This went on for several years always with the same ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a prostitute how I was doing (classic joke)

I asked a prostitute how I was doing and she said “Three nots”
“What’s Three Nots?”
“You’re not hard, it’s not in and you’re not getting your money back”

two friars lose their job when the church shuts down...

...So they decide to start a flower shop. Business is good 'cause everyone wanted to buy flowers from the "Men of God", so good, in fact, that their competitor florist, Frank, wasn't getting any business. So he heads to the friars shop to bargain. Frank said "hey, could you close down for a while, o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

A 16-year-old boy passes his driver's test and gets his license.

He says to his father, "Dad, I've got my license now, and I want the keys to the car."

"You're not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church ag...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.