UPJOKE

Nobody Likes Jokes

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A donkey had an IQ of 186.

He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

Maybe more of a curse than a joke

I read some words from an anonomous author on the internet about 20 years ago. No context, just a single line that has haunted me ever since.

>!Nobody likes ketchup precum.!<

That's my gift to you. My guard is soon over. May these words forever live in your memory until you one d...

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

I would tell a joke about Jehovah's witnesses...

But nobody likes knock-knock jokes

I'd tell a joke about eyes

But nobody likes vitreous humor.

It doesn't get much cornea than this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t you ever see donkeys in school?

Because nobody likes a smart ass.

What do jellybeans and the human race have in common

Nobody likes the black ones

I've changed my Facebook name to Nobody

Now when I Like something it will say "Nobody likes this".

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes Premature Inoculations.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ...

... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You want to keep your acceleration constant

because nobody likes a jerk!

What did the wine connoisseur say to his friend?

Nothing, because nobody likes those people.

Vegans are really great people.

Apparently, nobody likes to have a beef with them.

I just set my fb name to Nobody

So whenever I see an ugly post, I like it and it says Nobody likes your post

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

What do farts and reposts have in common?

Everybody makes them but nobody likes them.

I'm like Microsoft Edge

Nobody likes me, but I'm edgy

Life is like a box of chocolates

Nobody likes the dark ones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Facebook likes

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals.

Nobody likes dictators

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody

I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this

Drink competition (very long)

I had a friend who loved to mix drinks and make new ones. One day he made a huge discovery. This new drink was an instant hit. Everyone would ask him for the recipe, but he refused to give it to anyone. He called it his Special Punch.

This went on for years, with plenty of people trying to mi...

Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?

I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.

Why do birch trees only have daughters?

Cuz they kill the male birch trees. Nobody likes those sons of birches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate. At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water. He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was. Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs. Thinking it's a bit weird, he s...

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