UPJOKE

No Money Jokes

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A genius walks into a bar with no money.

A genius walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cra...

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”

“$804” she said

“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked

“Well... everyone...”

Why did Bach have no money?

Because he was Baroque!

What do you call an artist who has no money

baroque.....

(I'll just see myself out)

Rabbis make no money doing circumcisions.

But they do get a lot of tips.

What do you call a woodcarver with no money?

Poor whittle guy

What do you call a sugar daddy with no money?

A splenda daddy.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

What do you call Donald trump with no money?

Not President

When I was young, I wanted to grow up to have no money issues

Now that I'm an adult, I have no money *and* issues.

How can you tell if a church in Europe has no money?

It’s Baroque

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I grew up with a friend who had an unwed mother with no money.

Poor bastard.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"

Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

The Jewelry Store

An older man walked into a jewelry store with a young woman. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, “No, I'd like to see something more special.”

The jeweler went to hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the old couple had no money left, so the husband says

-"Martha, you spent all our monthly pension playing bingo. Now we cannot even buy food, the only way we got to get some money quickly is that you prostitute yourself"

The old woman accepts her fate and goes out. The evening passes, then the full night. The husband begins to get worried, but ...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

Ben and Tim want to go drink in a bar (NSFW)

Problem is, they have no money. "No problem" says Ben, "I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won't hav...

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out i...

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a gun at me, he asked,

"Your money or your life."

I told him, "I am married, I have no money and no life."

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment...

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

Four men tried out for a local play

and got the parts of mints who were all down on their luck and had no money. The critics hated it and said it was a really bad poor four mints.

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