UPJOKE

No Dogs Allowed Jokes

No dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks up to a bar with his chihuahua and sees a sign that says ‘no dogs allowed’

He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks inside with his dog.

Bartender: Sorry man, you can’t bring your dog in here.

Guy: But he’s my seeing-eye dog.

Bartender: Ah come on, seeing-eye dogs are always Labradors or golden retrievers!

Guy: Wait what? WELL WHAT THE FUCK HA...

Two friends are walking their dogs together.

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer."

The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there."

The first responds, ...

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.

"You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old friends

Two old friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One has a Lab and the other a Chihuahua. The guy with the Lab, says, “It’s been great catching up. Let’s grab a beer!” The other guy says, “What are we gonna go with these dogs?” The first guy says, “I know a place, just follow my le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his dog walk into a bar

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry guys, you'll have to leave. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But mine talks."

The bartender says "Bullshit"

The man says "I'll bet you $10,000 he can talk."

The bartender says "Fine, prove it then. But if he...

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only good joke I know, and it's about blind people

Two guys are walking their dogs and come across a bar. One of them smiles. "shit yeah, let's get wasted!" he says. The other guy isn't sure. "I dunno, man. I don't want to leave my dog outside around these parts." "Dude, relax. Just follow my lead."

The first guy puts on some sunglasses, then...

Three guys are walking their dogs and they see a bar

"I could really go for a drink," says the first guy. The two other guys agree, but as they get closer to the bar they see that there are no dogs allowed inside.

"I guess we can't go in, as there is nowhere to tie up our dogs," the second guy says.

"That's where you're wrong," the first...

Man walks into a bar.... with a dog

Bartender says “ you out! No dogs allowed.”

The man says, “ but it’s a talking dog.”

The bar keep is interested. “ what do you mean a talking dog?”

The dog owner looks at his dog and asks, “ what is on top of a house?”

Roof roof says the dog.

The bartender points t...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

Two men go for a run with their dogs.

They jog around the park for nearly an hour before one of the guys asks his friend if he wants to get a drink. The other guy says yes, so they jog to a small pub not far from the park. Unfortunately, there is a “no dogs” sign posted on the door.

“Don’t worry,” one of the guys says, “follow m...

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street...

One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says "That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed". The guy turns to him and says "Don't worry, just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man dies. His dog lies down next to him and died also.

And so, they find themselves above the clouds near the Pearly gates and a sign "Herein lies Heaven. Absolutely no dogs allowed."

He doesn't enter and goes further. They walk down a road and see other gates, with no sign on them, and a bearded man sitting on a bench nearby.

"Excuse me,…...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My (second) favorite joke of all time (sorry if repost)

So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are out walking their dogs in the summer.

Eventually they decided to find some place to grab a drink, so they went to a nearby pub.
"Oh, damn" said the first guy. "no dogs allowed, guess we'll have to find another place to drink."
"What, are you kidding me? Watch this and do what I do." said the second guy as he pulled out a p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog went to the bar

Batender : No dogs allowed! i dont want any stupid dog shitting at my Bar!

Man : dont worry sir, this is an intelligent talking dog!

Bartender : Oh yeah? let me ask him a few questions.

Bartender : what is the top of the house?

Dog : Roof Roof Roof!

Bartender : wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men decide to get a drink

after an afternoon of walking their dogs. They walk up to the door and notice a 'no dogs allowed' sign. There are no poles or anything with which to tie their dogs to outside. "Shit," says the first guy, "what're we going to do?" "Don't worry, I've got this," says the second. He puts his dark sungla...

A man and hs dog sit at the bar....

...bartender says "sorry, but no dogs allowed at the bar". The gentleman responds "no no, you don't understand, this is a TALKING dog, he should definitely be allowed to sit at the bar"

"Talking dog you say" says the bartender, stroking his chin. "Prove it"

"Okay! Hey Oscar, what sound...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I am walking my Chihuahua in the park with my friend Sheryl who is also walking her Retriever

As we are walking we decide that tonight would be a good night to go out on the town and have some fun. After walking a few blocks, Sheryl says, "why not start now?" as she starts to walk up to this club I say, "Sheryl they aren't going to let you in with a dog??"
She replies "watch" and puts on...

Two guys walking their dogs see a bar across the street...

"Man a beer would be delicious right about now" says one. His friend says, "But there's a sign in the window - 'NO DOGS ALLOWED'." First guy says, "No problem - watch this", puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks in to the bar. Second guy watches him go in and be seated by the bartender who brings h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends walking their dogs...

walk past a bar. They would like to have a drink, but there is a sign on the bar that says 'no dogs allowed'. One of the guys puts on a pair of sunglasses, tells his friend to wait, and walks into the bar with his dog. After a few minutes he walks out victoriously and says for the other to put on hi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.