UPJOKE

Nice To Meet You Jokes

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me and he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”

He put out his hand and I said “David are you nervous?”

He said “no”.

So, I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said “then why are you shaking?”

Edit 1 - Geez; it's the handshake, guys. Come on!

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

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”Hello. My name is Paul, and I am a sex addict.“

Group leader: ”Hello Paul. Nice to meet you. But I have to tell you that the sex addicts meet three rooms further down the hall. This is the group for single moms.“

Paul: ”I know.“

Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you."

He was being too forward.

Guy: Hey, nice to meet you. My name’s John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Other guy: Ok, you’re not gonna believe this...

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is...

A frog goes into a bank (long)

A frog walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He says, “my name is Kermit Jagger and I’d like to take out a loan.” The teller says, “nice to meet you, I’m Patti, but I have to tell you, we don’t loan money to frogs.” Kermit says, “no it’s ok. I have collateral. Here is this priceless heirloom...

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

A blonde walks into a blind date

“Nice to meet you” she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth

“So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work?” She asks the man

“Oh I’m an optometrist” he replies

The blonde flashes a big smile and says “I think this is going to work out after all, I’m a gl...

A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The n...

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their second date?

"Hey Bill, nice to meet you."

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[NSFW] 3 Ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Tom." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Tom! How's your day been?" Tom replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn't ask for a better day!" The bartender congra...

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

Grandma's peanuts (prob a re-post, still funny though)

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p...

A man sits down next to a woman on a bus

The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.

"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.

"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's...

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

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Professor of Logic: Norm Macdonald

Just the other week I had someone move next to me. Original neighbor died of cancer about a three month ago. So as the great neighbor I am I go to greet my new neighbor I say “Hey there uhh neighbor just dropping by to say hello, say what do you do for a living?”

He says “Nice to meet you. Im...

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A Southern Belle and snobby New York socialite meet at a swanky party.

The southern belle says, “How nice to meet you! Where are y’all from?”

The snob sniffs and says, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

So the belle says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Where are y’all from, *bitch*?”

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

A man was deathly afraid of ice cream

So much so that the mere sight or mention of the tasty frozen treat could send him into a panic attack.

He tried to avoid it, but it was everywhere. In movies. In songs. On social media. In real life!

Due to the severity of his condition, the man resolved to find a life partner who hat...

A guy on a speed date with a woman

Guy: Hello! I am John. Nice to meet you.

Girl: Nice to meet you too!! I am Jane. What do you do for a living, John?

Guy: I am an Astrophysicist.

Girl: OMG!! That's so cool. I am a Gemini..

(Happened in real life, so can't take credit for it)

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

Oedipus at social engagements:

Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Oedipus, this is my significant mother...

Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to ...

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Party with the new neighbor

John just moved into a do I try house when his new neighbor from down the road stops by.

Neighbor: Hey manr, nice to meet you! I'm having a party tomorrow. Would you like to come?

John: Sure! Id love to meet the new neighbors!

Neighbor: Perfect. There will be some drinking. Prob...

What did the Italia airship do when it crashed in the North Pole on May 25th, 1928?

It broke the ice. Nice to meet you :)

What did one succulent British plant say to the other?

'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first poli...

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[long] A new neighbour

A man was cleaning his garden, when his new neighbour approaches him.

 

Man - Good morning sir.

Neighbour - Good morning. I'm your new neighbour, I just moved in.

Man - Well, nice to meet you! What do you do for a living?

Neighbour - I'm a logical assumpti...

Three guys are drinking at a bar...

Jo, Bob, and Bill.

Jo gets up to go take a leak. He is gone for about 15 minutes. When he comes back. Bill asks him what he was doing for 15 minutes and Jo says "blowing bubbles".

Jo throws back his beer, slaps a 20 on the counter, and says goodbye.

Then Bob gets up to take a l...

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A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...

"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."

Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."

Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive ...

2 Christians are lost in a desert, hungry and thirsty....

So they finally come across a mosque, and guy1 says "I'm going to tell the imam my name is Mohammed so he'll give me free food and drinks." Guy2 says "its not a good idea, I'm gonna tell him my real name." So they enter the mosque and find the imam, and they say their names. Imam says "nice to meet ...

I've finally decided to never get married. The minute I met any of my girlfriends parents they hated me immediately, and I'm always extra polite,

"nice to meet you, I'm Joe King."

A millionaire wanted to eat something exotic

He rembered fried bugs being served at the last party he was on. He had taken a liking in them so he ordered his cook to prepare some worms for dinner.

That evening the millionaire was getting ready for his meal. His cook brought him a plate full of white maggots, althought something didn't s...

Friendship Merit!!!!

=>Boy: Hi

=>Girl: What?

=>Boy: How are you?

=>Girl: Do I know you?

=>Boy: I’m rich

=>Girl: Hi, I am Nani, I’m 20, nice to meet you!

=>Boy: no no, “Rich” is my name

=>Girl: sorry I don’t talk to boys

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Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statis...

My new nick name didn't work.

My friend said if another guy tries to hit on her with a fake name, she'd blow a fuse.

To which I replied, "Hey nice to meet you, I'm A fuse."

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

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The story of Turner Brown (language sorta NSFW)

This short, tiny guy is riding in an elevator. Elevator stops and this big, tall, burly sumbitch gets in.

Big guy looks down at the little guy and says "Six foot eight, 280 pounds, twenty inch dick, ten pound left ball, ten pound right ball. Turner Brown" and sticks out his hand.

Littl...

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

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Dave starts a new job as Bus Driver

Dave was starting a new job as a bus driver. He arrived at the bus depot and they told him he would be driving a bus with a "Sesame Street" advertisement on the side. He found this kind of amusing, and started his shift.

At the first stop, he picked up his first passenger. It was a fat woman....

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2 guys get paired up on a golf course...

after a few holes of not talking to each other, Tom decides to break the Ice.

Tom: Probably should of introduced my self before we started golfing. I'm Tom, nice to meet you.

Michael: Michael, nice to meet you too.

Tom: So, Michael... What do you do for a living?

Michael:...

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i was chatting up a fit girl......

I was chatting up a fit girl in a bar last night when a bloke came out the toilets and said "Oi mate, I'm her man".

I said "Cool, nice to meet you Herman. What do you think of this bird I'm gonna fuck tonight?"

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a pict...

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