UPJOKE

Next Time Jokes

Hey Guys...Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.

She will instantly have a headache and then go to sleep.

The next time your wife gets angry...

put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"

Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.

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Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

Next Time...

The other day I drove past your house and you threw a flower at me.

Next time could you take it out of the pot?

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

The next time a got a new dog, I will name it 'Gateway'

So if it did something naughty, instead of yelling "Bad Gateway!"

I will just yell "502!"

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Next time you prematurely ejaculate

Just remember you probably still lasted longer than Ronda Rousey

Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

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Just ignore it next time

A man goes to his doctor with a black eye. The doctor says, “What happened?” The man responds, “So, I was in church, sayin’ my prayers. The priest tells us to stand, and the lady in front of me gets her dress caught in the crack of her butt. So I pulled it out.” The doctor says, “Well, that explains...

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Hey Jeff Bezos, next time, can you fly that phallic-looking rocket...

up Uranus?

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Next time you hear someone fart - tell them someone is talking shit behind their back!

You’re welcome!

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Next time your homie is holding a grudge tell him:

You need to take a chillaxative & let that shit go

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

Next time it will be you!

Since he was a child, at every wedding they met, aunt Bertha pinched Joe's cheeks an said merrily "Next time it will be you!". She only realized how obnoxious her behaviour was when Joe pinched her cheeks one day, and said enthusiastically: "Next time it will be you!", wile they sat at uncle Bob's ...

The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes.

You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.

Next time someone complains about millennials

Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.

Next time you have to test a microphone:

"Bike, bike, bicycle. Ice, ice, icicle. Test, test, testing 1, 2, 3."

Next time you say Michelangelos statues suck just remember

>he had to go into the Nether to get all the quartz to make it. Have some respect for hard work.

My wife said that the next time she sees me browsing Reddit, she'll smash my head against the keyboard

Hehdjeiwnbxkakanbciejsnakxc

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

The next time I see someone ending a sentence with a preposition

I shall give them what for.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

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The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

Next time use chrome

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"


The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some a...

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

Next time somebody calls your home phone...

Say "Can I call you back? I'm driving."

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

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Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,

Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"

[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]

Next time you are with your girl try this new position.

It's called the bucking bronco. It's where you go doggy style then lean over and whisper another girls name in her ear and see how long you can stay on...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

The next time you're in the supermarket

The next time you're in the supermarket stocking up on beer, frozen pizza & nachos pick up a box of diapers , some baby milk formula and a few jars of baby food.
When you get to the till, let the cashier ring it all in before announcing that you don't have enough money, can they please take t...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road

I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"

when is the next time you will feel concerned and distressed about something?

Dismay.



Just thought of it... Sorry, I'll show myself out.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

Next time someone tries to tell you that pee is stored in the balls,

Just respond with, "Urine idiot".

Next time you're at the bar, ask the bartender for a Ryan Lochte

When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte? Just say "I don't know, make something up"

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

A joke for the next time you and your partner are farting in bed.

Reddit's new API pricing has forced third-party apps to close. Their official app is horrible and only serves to track your data. The CEO has blatantly lied and only wishes to exploit the unpaid members of the Reddit community.

Follow me on Mastodon or Lemmy.

Next time I hit the club, I'm coloring myself head to toe with a permanent marker, and that's all I'll wear.

Because every girl's crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

Next time the cashier asks me if I want "Paper or Plastic"

I'm just gonna say, "Doesn't matter to me, I'm bi-sacksual."

Next time someone compares Trump to Mussolini, remind them of the biggest difference.

Mussolini was well hung.

Always hated how at weddings the old family farts would cuckle and say "It's your turn next time.."

So I started telling them the same at funerals

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

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The next time I hear a racist or sexist joke, I won't stand for it!!

I'll sit because it's much more comfortable.

The next time your boss asks you to start your presentation with a joke...

...attach your payslip on the first slide.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

Someone recently said to me, "Next time I see you, I'm gonna beat you so bad you'll end up in the hospital."

So I said to him, "Not if ICU first."

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The next time England's soccer team plays in the World Cup they should be made up of all female porn stars...

Because no doubt they'll blow a few, but they won't choke on the big one.

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

My robust wife is mad at me because I misunderstood her when she demanded flowers the next time we made love....

...and so that night, with a bag of flour in my hands all I said was: "I thought you wanted this to roll in so I could find the wet spot"

Next time I see a sign that says "Watch For Children," I'm gonna take the deal.

It seems like a fair trade and I need a new watch.

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

A young boy went to church with his mother

Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"

After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"

The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. A...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

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“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to sexually satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

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Next time you are at a party and have black clothes on and someone asks you, "whose funeral is it"? Just say this:

I haven't decided yet...
That would scare the shit out of them.

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