UPJOKE

Next Friday Jokes

What do the Pfizer covid vaccine and next Friday night have in common?

Two random strangers penetrating your mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

A golfer went to a fortuneteller

He asked, "can you tell me if there are golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortuneteller entered a trance to ponder his question. After several minutes she responded- "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, the golf courses in Heaven are beautiful beyond any earthly imagination." ...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty ernie pt. 3 (final that I can remember)

The teacher tells the class that every Friday, she's going to ask a question, and whomever can answer it correctly will be excused from class on Monday of the following week.

The first week she asks, "how high is the sky?

Ernie says, "what the fuck? Nobody can answer that."

Teac...

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is Jacob's birthday,

So his wife decided to surprise him, she took him to a Strip-Club House.

At the club -

DOORMAN: Hey Jacob! How are you?

WIFE: How does he know you?

Jacob: We play Golf together!

BARTENDER: The usual beer Jacob?

WIFE: And how does he know you?

Jacob: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh, Little Johnny

Little Johnny's teacher began the school year by announcing a new contest. Every Friday, 30 minutes before the final bell, she would ask the class a question. The first student to answer it right could leave early, and the rest of the class would take a quiz.

The first Friday, the teacher a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were arrested and brought to court for doing drugs

After questioning them, the judge said, "Since you seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you guys a second chance instead of jail time, on a few conditions. You must agree to quit drugs yourselves, and you must also go out and try to persuade as many people as you can to quit drugs in the next ...

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim and bob are working

Jim and bob are working for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."

He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO ...

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Friday morning, Akshit Singh lost his dear pet cat.

He frantically searched around the neighborhood, looking for his precious Bala. He tried to search under dumpsters, he asked his neighbors if they'd seen Bala wandering around recently, and he set cat food and water outside in hopes of attracting Bala back to his house.



Much to his d...

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, O...

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

Bills to pay

Frank and Gary are getting off work on Friday evening, and Gary says, "Hey Frank, I'm going drinking with a buddy. You should join us!'

Frank hesitates a moment, and says, "don't think I should. I've got bills to pay."

Next Friday rolls around and Gary says to Frank, "Hey Frank, you sh...

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a gas station and buy a pack of 28 condoms

Next Friday he buys another pack and continues every week for a whole year when the store clerk ask man tell me your secret how are you going through this many? There’s only 7 days a week and and your buying over twenty.

The man laughs replies I feed them to my dog so he poops in little bag...

What's she got that I don't?

Ol' Ed and his neighbor Ethel are both 75 years old and have lost their partners years ago. They enjoy spending time together every Friday evening rocking on Ethel's back porch swing, talking and watching the sunset. As soon as the sun goes down Ethel unzips Ed and gently holds his member in her ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

Three Irish brothers

Three Irish brothers go to the pub every Friday for a pint of Guinness after work. One day one of the brothers informs the other two that he’s been offered a new job in England and it’s too good to pass up. They’re upset but understand and wish him well so long as he goes to the pub every Friday and...

[Long] A new postman has been doing his route for about 6 months....

After a while ee notices at one house they keep receiving letters that look identical. Two or three times a week this happens. After a month or so he notices the envelopes start to look a bit shabby and he starts to suspect that it is the same letter being posted over and over again.

The pos...

All this Spending on Black Friday

Better make sure ya'll pay the electric bill first or next Friday will be Black Friday too

Terrible news. The guy who created AMC cinema's has died.

His funeral is next Friday at 2:30, 5:20 and 7:45.

A new lieutenant in the French foreign legion ...

Arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him his quarters, he asks the corporal "the base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?" The corporal replies "on Fridays, they let us use the camels" the lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few week...

An office manager leaves before lunch every Friday...

Finally the girls realize she never comes back and decide to leave too.
The blonde one goes home to see her boss riding her husband and turns and runs out of the house.
The next Friday, as usual, the boss leaves and says, "I'll be back in a little while".
Again, one of the girls say, "tha...

Religious traditions

Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

He goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey, this monkey here will eat *anything*. Pick something, anything, and this monkey will eat it."

Bartender looks at him, shrugs and says, "Uh, the whole bowl of bar nuts there."

"No, no, no," says the guy, "come *on*. Give him a *challenge*."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,

*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*


Guy say...

Mrs. Chang takes a 500 yuan bill to the bank to change for dollars

The teller makes the calculation and gives her $80.44.

Mrs. Chang returns the next Friday and puts a 500 yuan note on the counter. The teller puts down $79.94.

Mrs. Chang says "Last week you give me $80.44, but now I get $79.94. Tell me why it changed!"

The teller showed her t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mixed up presents

So this guy wants to make a nice gift for the girl he's recently started dating. He decides for a nice pair of gloves. Nice and romantic but not too personal. To pick a nice pair, he went to the store, accompanied by his sister. At the department store, the sister also bought a pair of undies for he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Friday you Greek prick

So a Chinese bloke and a Greek had take-away shops next door to each other in a fairly busy area, so it was imperative that they got there early and open their shops in order to be ready for the morning breakfast rush.

Every Friday morning, the Greek would ask the Chinaman what day it is.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Consequences of taking off early from work

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, "You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday!" The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion. ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.