UPJOKE

New Years Resolutions Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution

She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020

What are your New Years resolutions?

I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.

My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine!

Only 13 kg to go now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Years Resolutions

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"

I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."

"Oh great!" my wife sighed.

"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

My new years resolutions are:

1: Stop making lists.


B: Be more consistent.


7: Learn to count.

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