UPJOKE

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

A women took a nap on New Years Eve...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped pres...

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was alm...

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

I was at this New Years Eve party

after being in a coma for a while. I asked a guy there what year it was gonna be.

He replied with "2021"

Weird guy, don't understand why he counted upwards.

They say New York has the best New Years Eve Party

I’d say it’s overrated - every year they drop the ball

I don't go out on new years eve

Cool guys don't look at explosions

Roy Moore missed the New Years Eve countdown.

He’s demanding a recount.

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my phone at a new years eve party

if you found it, that's not my penis in the pictures. I was just holding it for a friend

LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve

A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.

Right at midnight on New Years Eve im gonna shut my eyes and never open them again

That way my vision will always stay 2020

Stay safe out there on New Years Eve

Who am I kidding, I'm talking to Redditors.

Every year I tune into 'Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve' thinking this will be the year it's worth watching.

But they always drop the ball.

Why is 6 afraid of 9 on New Years Eve?

Because 9, 8, 7....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you started having sex at 11:59:59 on New Years Eve....

You would’ve finished at exactly the start of 2018.

Me and my girlfriend are going to play a special game of "7 minutes in heaven" on New Years Eve

Except instead of a closet we'll be in a bed, and instead of a girlfriend it'll be my hand, and instead of 7 minutes it'll be 30 seconds.

What do you do when you come across Santa on New Years Eve?

You wipe it off and apologize.

New Years Joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to New Years dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average person has sex 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.

Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”

The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what?! Out of h...

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