UPJOKE

New Shoes Jokes

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New shoes for dad

I took my dad to the mall the other day to get him new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept sta...

A blonde went to buy new shoes

The shopkeeper told her the new shoes may feel a bit uncomfortable in the first couple of days.

She said : Alright I'll start wearing them on the third day.

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New shoes

A young sexy woman went to the mall with her husband and spotted a pair of designer pumps in the window of an upscale shoe store and began staring, imagining how sexy she'd look wearing them…
The husband looked over and saw her and interrupted, "No fucking chance love, they're way too expensive! ...

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

Son: Dad I got my hands on these new shoes

Dad: How many times I have told you, they go on your feet!!

So my drug dealer got me these new shoes..

And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day

A man buys new shoes

And wants to show them to his wife. He gets naked, with the exception of his shoes, and parades out in front of her. "And? Notice something?"

"Nope", she says, "It's hanging like it always is".

"Well", the man says, "it's just admiring my new shoes!"

She turns around in bed, "ne...

New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has finally become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from ...

Christopher Walken really wanted new shoes so he went to the shoe store.

He browsed the whole store until he came across a pair of boots. They were nicely made with gray leather and he really liked them but he preferred black boots. He asked the store manager if they sold them in black but unfortunately they did not. Christopher was disappointed and was going to leave th...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

What did Aquaman say to Mera when she got new shoes

Water those

My wife screamed in delight when her new shoes arrived sooner than expected

I thought she didn't like it when things came early...

I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes

he said it was coo

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New Shiny Shoes

An Italian bachelor buys a new pair of shiny shoes, and decides to head out on the town to show them off.

Once he's at his favorite swing dancing club he begins looking for women to dance with. He finds a beautiful blonde and asks her to dance. She agrees.

"How about a bet?" He asks th...

Girl comes home with two pair of new shoes

And her boyfriend asked her: Why did you bought two pair of shoes you stupid cow???
She said: Because cow have four legs!

Patient: Doctor, I have accidentally swallowed the “DO NOT EAT” packet from my new shoes, will I die?!!

Doctor: Well, everyone’s going to die eventually.
Patient; Everyone?!.. Oh my god, what have I done?!!!

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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

Bought a pair of new shoes the other day - clerk said they might be a bit tight the first couple of days.

That’s fine I said - I’m not gonna wear them until Friday.

The new suit

A man went to a tailor's shop to be fitted for a suit and a pair of shoes. The old tailor took all of the measurements and said to return in a week.

The man returned in a week and put on his new suit and new shoes.

As he stood in front of the mirror he complained that the left sleeve ...

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who bought experimental AI shoes?

He always stayed out late drinking and partying and most mornings he woke up god knows where, no wallet or phone, completely lost and stranded.

One day he met a man at a bar, they got talking and the man told him about these new shoes his company was developing; no matter how out of it you we...

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This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

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A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the fi...

Shiny shoes

A man buys shoes that shine like a mirror and goes dancing at a club. To impress women, he bets them that he can guess their favorite color. When he begins dancing with the first woman, he tells that her favorite color is red. He dances with a second woman and tells her favorite color is blue. The w...

Smart shoes

A fiend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!

One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, th...

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Helpful Friend

A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.
He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady’s man and a known track record of bedding more than his sh...

Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

Before criticising someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, once you criticise them , you're a mile away and have new shoes

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Prom Night Date

Johnny, a senior in a stereotypical highschool, has a huge crush on a girl named Sally, who is in his 5th period World History.


Johnny wanted to capitalize on the upcoming prom to ask out Sally, so Johnny waited in line for two tickets to prom. Johnny tried to arrive early, but the line w...

A man and his friends are at the country club when the phone rings...

The man picks up the phone and says "Hi honey, how are you doing"
The woman says "Hello sweetie, I found some new shoes that cost $90, can I buy them?"
The man replies "Sure hon"
The woman then says "Also the new purse I wanted is here and cost $980, can I buy them?"
The man repl...

Christmas Break

There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, “I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and a PS4 with all my favorite games on it. What’d you get Bill?” He says, “I only got a sweater.” The first boy asks, “Why?” Bi...

It's allergy season. If my nose keeps running,

I'm going to have to buy it new shoes.

A man and a women had three children

A man and a woman had three children, all girls. The mother had always wanted a son, but every time she tried to have a baby with her husband, they would give birth to a girl.
One day, the man has to leave his wife for a year, to join the military abroad. The woman decides to take the opportunity...

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A woman goes to her shoemaker...

...and when the shoemaker is sizing her feet, he notices she has no panties on. He says, "Lady I'd like to eat that full of ice cream!"

Disgusted, she leaves and tells her husband to beat him up. Her husband says, "I won't beat him up for three reasons: we can't afford new shoes for you, you ...

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

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