UPJOKE

New Person Jokes

My abs are like young children when a new person visits their house

They’re there but nowhere to be seen

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint!

73 metres.

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV

Man... I love Netflix!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This coronavirus quarantine is great..

Today I set a new personal record for beers consumed during Mass.

What's the best thing about alzheimer's

You get to met a new person everyday

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy.

The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?"

The other guy says "I'm Irish".

First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?"

The second guy says "Dublin".

F...

A short armless man comes to the priest of a small town and asks to be the church bell-ringer...

The priest is surprised, and says,

"Well, I do need a new person to ring the bells, but, well, you have no arms man! The bell is huge, its size is the one record this town holds. The last guy to do it weighed 400 pounds, and even *he* had a hard time ringing the bell. Not to mention, you cou...

So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.

"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The future of technology (long)

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (Heads of Microsoft, Intel, and Advanced Micro Devices) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit...

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