UPJOKE

New Job Jokes

The new job

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:...

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.


Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

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New job

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour....

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New job

A young student looking for a job goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Very little."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see...

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

I got a new job!

It’s cleaning mirrors.
I can see myself doing this forever.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

Got a new job as a garbage man but I was worried as there’s no training.

The boss said I’ll pick it up as I go.

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

Why did the blonde start looking for a new job?

Her boss texted they would be closed for good friday.

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My strip club is starting a new job equity program.

We call it Diversititty.

I got a new job! It's in a factory making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.

I got a new job delivering pizzas.

Nobody really likes liver on pizza anyways.

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New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

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Billy arrived at his new job, the local garden center/general store.

Mr Howard said "Just watch how I interact with the customers, Billy, and follow my lead. We need to upsell."

"Ok," says Billy, "I'm all ears."

A man walks in and mills around the store for a while, then comes up to the counter with a packet of grass seeds.

Mr Howard engages the ...

Lorena Bobbit applied for a new job.

But the prick wouldn't hire her.

Started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage."




That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

I heard the old shepherd wanted to get a new job

He got tired of counting sheep

I got a new job as a carpenter.

The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

A supermarket greeter gets a new job at Asda

About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
T...

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New Job

I just got a new job. When I applied the boss bragged about the company being extremely efficient. He said, "Everything is electronic, we don't use one single sheet of paper.

Everything was going great, until I took my first shit."

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

New job needed

Went to work today at the bank and immediately got called up to h.r. department. H.r. admin asked why I'm at work and naked. I explained that my gf came in to the room this morning without any clothes on and told me to get naked and get to work.

Anyone hiring?

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...

The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.

The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickna...

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

I just started a new job I'm metal grinding

Not sure if I love it or not, but sparks sure are flying

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Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.

Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"

The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."

Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to hi...

I got a new job at retail and spend eight hours a day being yelled at and criticized for things that aren't my fault.

I never thought my humiliation fetish would be good for my career.

I told my wife that I wanted to get a new job making perfume

She replied "That makes scents."

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

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So, this guy starts a new job

and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell ...

Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs.

20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

A blonde got a new job in an office.

At the end of the day, the boss asks her, "So, what did you do all day?"

The blonde replies, "Keyboard was not in order, so I put it right."

So I got a new job as a postman.

Bad thing is I'm quite embarrassed by it so I told all my friends I'm a mail escort.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

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A young woman is having lunch with an old friend who asks if she's very busy in her new job as a sex worker.

"Eh, it comes in spurts."

I turned up for my new job at the local police station today ....

but they arent very supportive. All the could say was "you arent qualified", "why are you naked" and "we can't catch him because he is covered in baby oil"

I started a new job and was handed a book

"What's this?" I asked.

"This is our work bible" replied the manager

"why call it a Bible?"

"because it's written by man and it's full of errors"

Maegan Hall was sad that she needs to find a new job as she was fired from the police department

I suggested her to try being a truck driver as they pay by the load!!

New job at the farm

After having been laid off at the office, Dave lands a job at a farm on the outskirts of town. Early on the first day the farmer shows him around the place, explaining the tasks as they go. Lastly, they come by the house, where they meet the farmers two gorgeous daughters.

Dave and the farme...

I had to quit my new job as a personal trainer

After a few weeks of work I decided I didn’t have the fitness required to do the job so I handed in my too weak notice

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A man gets a new job in a remote village with no women.

A few days after he gets there he asks a local, “You really have no women here?”.

“None” replies the man.

“Okay...so what do you do if you want to have sex?” he asks with concern in his voice.

“Oh that’s no problem, there’s a donkey tied up close to the river for that.”

T...

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A friend asked me how my new job at the pharmacy was going...

I told him "it's okay, the pay is crap but the percs are great!"

I think I just got fired from my new job.

I thought I'd make a great lumberjack, but the boss just gave me the axe.

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

Today I start my new job waiting tables at a place called "Just Desserts"

Hope I serve them right.

New job

I recently got a new job assisting a one-armed typist with capital letters. It was shift work

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

I got a new job at the owl sanctuary..

It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot

New job.

A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You
should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies,
"Why? What happened at 8.30?"

What is the difference between a new wife and a new job?

After 5 years the job still sucks.

My wife got a new job at a vet clinic, and almost killed a dog her first day. (Oc)

But she’s getting better at euthanasia.

A blonde gets a new job

and at lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos. She asks him what it is. He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" The blonde is impressed so she gets one and brings it in the next day. Her coworker notices and says, "Oh I see you got a thermos of your own, w...

(OC) I got a new job at Minute Maid.

I'm working on the Punch line.

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Guy gets a new job...

(Long but worrh the read)...

a guy gets a bew job at an all in one store. His manager says that he works on commission so just try to sell a few things and he'll come back and check on him later.
At the end of the day he comes back and asks the salesman how many sales he had. The guy rep...

A man starts a new job as a bartender.

The manager of the bar was showing him around and said, "You need to know that the customers here order drinks in a peculiar way."

"How so?" asked the new bartender.

"Well, they use a lot of abbreviations instead of the names of the drinks."

"Doesn't sound so bad, I think I can ...

A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized....

I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

I'm excited to start my new job testing gumshields

It's something to get my teeth into

I got a new job today at Old MacDonald’s Farm

I’m going to be the CIEIO

Sean Connery's New Job

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"

Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"

My buddy got a new job

He takes pictures of salmon in tuxedos

He said it’s like shooting fish in apparel

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Kevin Spacey's new job

Kevin Spacey's new job is at EA. They heard he likes to fuck 14 year olds over and over, just like them.

I just got a new job as an elevator engineer

It has its ups and downs

Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way...

...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.

My Dad has got a great new job. He has 600 men under him.

He cuts grass at the graveyard.

The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.

The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

My new job in the circumcision ward pays great and has great prospects...

20 skins a day and a chance to get ahead.

I started a new job as a Tree Trimmer.

Unfortunately, I was fired my first day. The boss said I just wasn't cutting it.

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Started my new job at the samaritans this week.

Tried to ring in sick but some bastard tried to talk me out of it.

Blonde gets a new job

A blonde walks into the job interview, and the boss says to her, "Alright, this is a pretty easy job. Basically, all you have to do is paint a dotted line down the middle of the road. Your minimum distance you should paint each day is 2 miles. Do you think you can do that?"

"Absolutely," the...

Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America:

Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers.

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

A young fella has a new job in the local asylum.

He notices that some patients are gathered around a hole in the wall and peeking through it. The young fella gets more and more curious what they are watching through the hole each day.

So he walks up to them and takes a look through the hole. Nothing. All he sees is an empty room. So he asks...

New Job.......

Barry is seated at a small table in a warmly lit coffee shop sipping coffee.
Barry’s friend Felix enters looking somewhat dubious. (Felix bares a remarkable resemblance to Woody Allen.) He spots Barry and joins him at the table.
BARRY: Did you find a job?
FELIX: Yeah. I got a job at a...

I got a new job as a lumber jack this week. . .

The guy who interviewed me asked if I had, any experience?

I said I used to work out in the Sahara Forrest.

He said, "don't you mean the Sahara desert?"

well that's what they call it now, I said.

I just started my new job at the recycling plant and I hate it.

Crushing cans is soda pressing.

A man starts a new job...

On his first day at work, he picks up the phone at his desk to order coffee. "Get me a cup of coffee with creamer, quick!", he says.

Unbeknownst to him, the CEO of the company was on the other line. "Do you know who this is!?", the CEO responds angrily. The man realizing asks, "No, but do *yo...

I thought I knew everyone I needed to know to be successful at my new job...

...turns out, I didn't know Jack.

A man was interviewing for a new job

The interviewer says, “We need someone very responsible for this job.”

“Great!” the man responds. “At my last job, every time something went awry, they said I was responsible.”

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

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A man starts his new job as a miner in a far away Australian town.

The town only exists for miners, and all the miners are men.

After a month on the job the man is very horny, but with no women in town he's out of luck.

One night in the bar he's talking to his fellow miners about his situation. He asks them how they deal with the loneliness.

Th...

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A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like yo...

Got a new job as an elephant circumcizer...

The pay is pretty bad, but you get big tips.

I got a new job today selling corn to pirates.

A buck an ear.

I started a new job as a miner last week.

I had to quit because whenever I put my mining hat on I felt light-headed.

A man comes into his new job on his first day.

When he got there, his boss called a meeting. "This is Cadassi. I hope you will make him feel welcome." His co-worker then asks, "Where are you from?" He replies, I am from 13.4443° N, 144.7937°E, or as you know it, Guam. Another co-worker leans over to the first and whispers, "That was very S.Pacif...

Bill is called in for a review at his new job

His supervisor asks Bill to take a seat and they begin discussing his first month at the company. The supervisor says he's seen Bill make a lot of dumb mistakes, but more than anything else, Bill is uncommonly early to his shift by at least 2 hours every day.

Bill confesses that he does this ...

Just landed myself a new job!

I'll be a test pilot for Andrex!

Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...

I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.

When I heard my new job required passing a drug test.....

Boy was I excited. Finally a test in a subject I know about!

First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"

and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."

just got a new job and was to start today

Told them I won't be able to work
They said "Is it because its Sunday? You said you would on weekends." I said no that's not why.
They said "Is it because its Easter ? You said you would work holidays"
I said That's not it either. I won't be able to work because I am so tired and exhauste...

Pinocchio got a new job at a tire store

He keeps telling all the customers "I'm a wheel boy."

I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”

I have a new job.

I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club.
$300/week.
That's not much, but it's all I can afford.

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

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