UPJOKE

Near Perfect Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was standing nude...

in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

My girlfriend complains that I think too highly of myself...

but I think she is amazing as well.
In fact, when she stands next to me, she is near perfect.

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

A husband and wife are getting dressed to go out to dinner

As the woman is making herself up in the mirror she grimaces at her reflection and turns to her husband.

"Why have the years been so cruel to me? With each passing day I get even more old and ugly. The lines on my face run as deep as river beds. My lips are as shriveled as raisins. My onc...

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Smart ass answers

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.


“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses wh...

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We're doing married golfer jokes now?

One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it wi...

And Then Fight Started.. :D

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What’s on TV?"I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started…My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."I bou...

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Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.

Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: "Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!"
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, "Hello, how are you! I'm rudolph!" In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his w...

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