UPJOKE

My Wife Left Me Because Jokes

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

My wife left me because of autocorrect

That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "Can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket?"

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta!

I'm feeling cannelloni right now..

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not quite sure why I started carrying it around with me.

My wife left me because I use only one brand for my clothes, sportswear and perfumes.

Turns out she's Lacoste intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me because I spent our entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She could not take it any longer.

My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".

I don't know what that means, but I don't care.

My wife left me because of my obsession with golf

It’s ok


I figured our relationship was on the 18th hole

My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

My wife left me because of my constant zodiac puns.

It finally Taurus apart.

My wife left me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok cos this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

My wife left me because of my obsession with crosswords. I guess you could say I'm...

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Across:

1 Severe and overwhelming shock or grief (10)

My wife left me because i’m too indecisive..

I don’t know what I’m going to do now

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

My wife left me because I kept making beer puns.

Alcohol her later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me because she caught me measuring my penis.

For the record, it's just long enough to reach the back of her sisters throat.

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

My wife left me because I do a terrible Arnold Scwarzanager impression. But don't worry...

I'LL RETURN

My wife left me because of my obsession with Cher.

If I could turn back time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me because she said I’m too cocky

I told her “don’t let the door hit you on your way back in”

My wife left me because she said I was too insecure.

Oh, never mind- she just went to the grocery store- she’s back home now.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

My wife left me because "I am addicted to video games"..

I was so sad I could hardly console myself

My wife left me because of my obsession with Smash Mouth.

I didn't believe her.

But then I saw her face.

Now I'm a believer.

My wife left me because I'm an crossdresser with no sense of direction...

So I packed up her things and right.

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

My wife left me because apparently I'm to paranoid

I'm ok with that. Rather live alone than with a clone

My wife left me because of my addiction to playing with Play-doh.

But now I have reformed.

My wife left me because I spend too much time playing video games

Now I do it because I enjoy it

My wife left me because I never listened to her

Not sure though but I think that's the reason

My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house.

I thought that they created atmosphere.

My wife left me because she believes I live in constant denial

Tonight we'll have a romantic dinner celebrating our 5th year anniversary

My wife left me because she said that I live in a fantasy world.

When I first heard it, I was so shocked that I almost fell off my dragon.

How's life Johnny? (translated from Spanish)

George: So, how's life Johnny?

Johnny: Terrible.

G: Aw, well what about that Ferrari you got?

J: It got wrecked in a car crash.

G: Ooh, but what about that genius son of yours?

J: He was in the car.

*G, hoping to get away from this horrible conversation:*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth walks into a podiatrists office

Moth:hey there doc I’ve got a problem

Doctor:sure thing mr moth what can I help you with?

Moth:well you see doc, I lost my job because my boss is a total ass and I finally told him how I feel, got me fired. After that my wife left me because I wasn’t going to be making money for a whi...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

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