UPJOKE

My Opinion Jokes

I like going to my local church on Sunday and arguing my opinions to the group

You could say that I am a mass debater

I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

My opinion is like a tower.

If you get me high, I can be swayed.

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

An activist ask about my opinion on immigration reform

Apparently 'Im on the fence about it' is the wrong answer

I've never loved this joke but I'm posting as a result of a previous, lesser joke (my opinion, prove me wrong)

A man sees a beautiful woman on the street realizing he must have her, he propositions;

"I'll give you $10,000 for you to make love to me" he says

Considering the financial windfall the woman accepts.

The man then asks frugally "ok how about $500?"

Insulted the woman re...

In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

Generally speaking, there are three different styles of cancan dances, 'French Cancan', 'British Cancan', and 'American Cancan'. In my opinion, French Cancan dances are able to outperform American Cancan dances and American Cancan dances can also outperform British Cancan dances.

In other words, Cancan Cancan can can can can Cancan.

You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions.

She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."

A friend of mine asked for my opinion on his displacement obsession.

‘Whatever floats your boat’

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Want my opinion on Mongolia?

It has it's pros and Khans

In my opinion, if we're going to fight a war on terror

A good place to start would be this nation's haunted houses

Here's my opinion on Trump's Wall

I'm on the fence.

As a Chinese comedian many people ask about my opinion on our government...

I can't complain.

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My Opinion on Body Part Puns?

They're pretty humerus if you ass me.

In my opinion guys should only us two fragrances of Old Spice deodorant...

Fuji or Timber...

but that's just my two scents.

You want to know my opinion on the Dyson airblade?

Not a fan

So I was asked my opinion of the Oklahoma State abbreviation today...

And I said it was just OK

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

My opinion on mediums where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged?

I'm forum.

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

Vladimir Putin is speaking with his advisors...

"I think when the war is over Russia should become a Kingdom".

"Sir," one of his advisors speaks out, "only a King may lead a Kingdom."

"Very well, Russia shall become an Empire" Putin replies.

Again his advisor speaks out, "only an Emperor can rule over an Empire."

Putin...

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A friend guilt-tripped me into spending the Saturday helping out with various tasks on his property, even though I'd prefer to relax after a demanding week.

While chopping wood, I got careless with the axe and dented his car.

My friend suspected that since I was clearly annoyed with him, I'd dented the car on purpose.

But in my opinion, it should be obvious to everyone that it was an axy-dent.

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

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Tampax starting early

Just seen the new Tampax advert,

They're replacing the string on all of their best selling tampons with tinsel.

Bit early in my opinion,


when its only for the christmas period.

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny was getting ready to leave school when he heard his friend panicking. He walks to his friend

LJ: "Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?"

Girl: "LITTLE JOHNNY! You have to help me! I am bleeding and I do not know why and I am so scared and I do not know what to do! You have to ...

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

my doctor told me to stay away from trans fats

i know what you're thinking, how rude.

in my opinion, a doctor shouldn't get any say in who their patients date

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Guy goes for an interview.

Boss: so what is your biggest weakness.?

Guy: My honesty....

Boss: In my opinion that is not a weakness..

Guy: Who the fuck is asking for your opinion...

I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company

I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election

The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly

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I was asked during a job interview....

what is my greatest strength? I replied, " My greatest strength is my ability to give my opinion on anything regardless of other's feelings or concern. ".
The person interviewing me started to say," I don't see that as a strength rather it's weak...".
I quickly said, " I don't give a fuck what...

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

Chinese 69

As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.

> A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2a...

So I met a girl at the bar

Nothing really interesting about her. Her hair was on fire, yeah.

In my opinion she was really selfish. It was all about *her.*



"Help *me"*

"Put *me* out."

"*I'm* not joking *I'm* on fire."

"*I'm* dying."

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If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

I only like smooth leather

and my opinion will never be suede.

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Old man, his doctor, and the prostitute

An old man goes to the doctor, bringing with him what is clearly a prostitute. He tells the doctor “I’d like you to watch my friend and I having sex.” The Doctor is puzzled at first but reasons aloud, “Well, sex at your advanced age can be challenging. Alright. Go for it.” The old man lays down, and...

Did you hear the joke about the leg?

In my opinions it wasn't very fu-knee.

What? You don't like my joke? I thought it was pretty humerus.

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

I bought a new puppy for my daughter today!

A pretty fair trade, in my opinion. :D

We should all agree on a global currency

In my opinion, dollars make the most cents

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

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Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

This news just in: The worlds tallest man has lost a fight with a storm.

In my opinion he shouldn’t have let the lightning strike first.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

I have a tree joke you might like to hear

but most of us would be Sycamore.

(tree jokes need to be spruced up in my opinion)

Some people think nuclear physics is interesting

Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring

My wife just left me because i cant stop using double negatives.

But in my opinion I haven't done nothing wrong.

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