UPJOKE

My Niece Jokes

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

My niece told me this joke: What's the difference between Chanukah and a dragon?

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

I asked my niece

if she had learned her colours yet. I pointed out something and asked what colour it was.

Each time she answered correctly.

Then, while heading for the door, she said, “Uncle Jonathan, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!”

My niece calls me Ankle…

… I call her my knees. We are a joint-family.

Heard this joke from my niece today

Niece: “have you heard of the book where the red fern grows?”
Me: “yeah It’s a great book why?
Niece: “have you heard of the indiana version they made?”
Me: “no what is it?”
Niece: “it’s called where the yellow corn grows”.

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

Joke From My Niece

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store

I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

From my niece

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man with a big orange head. He asks the bartender about it and he gives him a drink to bring to the guy and says to ask the guy, which he does.

The guy thanks him and says: I bet you're wondering about my big orange head. Well one day I was having a terrible ...

I must congratulate my Niece.

She has just passed he mouth Organ test.


Well done our Monica.....

I bought my niece some fancy new graphite shoes;

but she won't wear them because she's trying to decrease her carbon footprint.

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

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My niece’s joke...

First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”

Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:

Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!

My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for

It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking.

My nieces joke

I was telling my little niece some jokes, and she loved them and started making up her own, but she doesn't quite understand how jokes work yet.
Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know, why DID the chicken cross the road?
Her: LIGHT BULB!

I tried to teach my niece about octothorpes

I made a hash of it.

My niece did nothing with her life.

She just sat in her womb all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my niece ask me where babies come from, I told her that they come from the stork

She then looked at me puzzled and asked, "who fucked the stork."

My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them...

I told the that that's a feature of "Uncle Premium" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!

My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today...

It drew blood

So I’ve been trying to get my niece to call me her favorite uncle

Every time I visit my brothers house, I say hi to everyone and when I get to my niece I always say “who’s your favorite uncle?” And then point to myself.

It took a while but it finally paid off.

Today when I visited, I said “who’s your favorite uncle?” And with biggest grin on her fa...

i kiss my niece on her cheek

I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek. “Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her. “No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

I took my niece to the zoo the other day...

The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.

I called the zookeeper over.

"What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?"

"It's a Shih-Tzu"

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors,

and three Captains and two Lieutenants.

It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’.

So I got her a bag of peas.

So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.

I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal.

I then prepared her an egg...

I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction

Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

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My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin...

Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.

The music teacher at the school my niece goes to was out sick 2 days last week. The school had a dog fill in for her.

He was a sub woofer.

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A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?”

The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says “My wife does.”

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!

*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said:

‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’

Blowing up a Balloon.

My niece had a premature baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And ...

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A wife screams at her husband

Wife: "How could you screw me over like this?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my Niece, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The...

What did the celery say to the carrot?

You've got a point.


Credit to my niece

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My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!"





Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

What did the Minion do to make himself more like his dad?

He Gru!

Credit to my niece who told me this while I was home visiting

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

What is Mario's favorite state?

Luigiana


(My niece told me this joke last night)

What did the head say to the brush?

Comb over hair.

My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.

What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs?

Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi cabs!

Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!

Pink Fluff...

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff

What's Blue and Fluffy?
Pink Fluff holding it's breath.

(My niece told me this)

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A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the ...

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