UPJOKE

My Neighbor Jokes

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 am...

3 am can you believe this?
Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

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My neighbor is pretty mad at his wife for sunbathing completely nude

Personally, I'm on the fence

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

I wish I could find out what happened to my neighbor who couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, for closure.

My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

I think my neighbor might be stalking me.

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

My neighbor, who makes tennis equipment, makes me want to move out.

He is ALWAYS making racket.

I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, so I immediately reported him to the authorities...

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!

My neighbor got drunk last night and threw up in the elevator.

It was disgusting on so many levels.

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I suspect my neighbor Jackson defecated on my lawn when I was not home.

I asked around to check if there were any witnesses, but everyone says they didn't see jack shit.

My neighbor claims he took a photo of a flea on the moon.

Never mind… it’s just a lunatic.

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.

The neighbor saw it happen, and realized it was an accident. He just yelled "Oh God please put him out of his misery!"

He got really mad when I tried to tell him I'd have to do it eight more times.

My neighbor got a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and decided to get an Emotional Support Animal.

His choice? A skunk. His diagnosis? Sociopath.

I yelled to my neighbor keep it down

He yelled back, I'm not making any noise.

I mean keep your blinds down.. or at least put some pants on.

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My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

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I’m attracted to my neighbor’s garden decoration. The beard, the cute tummy….

Does that make me a gnomosexual?

My neighbor's son Bran always gave them a tough time eating breakfast. I guess you could say

Raisin Bran was hard !

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I'm pretty sure my neighbor doesn't watch porn.

I've been at her house for two hours, and I'm still fixing the sink.

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

My neighbor always tells me he was the coolest kid in grade 6

Today I found out he was the only kid in his class with a driver's license and a mustache

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My neighbor was banging on my door at three in the morning.

It's a good fucking thing I was up playing my bagpipes.

My neighbor got a boat, so I had to get one, too.

I couldn't resist the pier pressure.

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My neighbor called me to complain that my oxen was taking a dump in his backyard.

I said that's bullshit

So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, "Do it Yourself"

Unhelpful, prick.

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My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

My relationship with my neighbors is like on that show Friends

I haven't seen any of them since 2004.

My neighbor just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."

I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"

My neighbor and I are good friends so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

My neighbor tried to blame me for messing up his drive way

But it was his own silly Asphalt

My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.

Sold his Soul for a Mustang.

My neighbor bulled up in their new Audi…

I said damn, I’ve still got an Innie.

I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait unti...

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

My neighbor was found guilty of overusing commas.

The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

So apparently my neighbor doesn’t believe in air conditioning

He’s an ACeist

girl are u my neighbor's wifi?

cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

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I'm a hunter, and I shot a deer that was on my neighbor's property.

My neighbor came out at the sound of the gunshot and saw the deer. It was clean kill, and the animal was perfect for venison. As I ran up to retrieve it, my neighbor met me there.

"Hey, this deer is mine" he shouted as I approached him.

"No, it's mine. I killed it!" I responded back.<...

My neighbor was hit by a financial crisis

He has to eat moldy cheese, drink old wine and drive in cars without roofs.

My neighbor and I are having a land dispute.

Well, it’s actually more of a ground beef.

I walked in on my neighbor in his boxer…

Which is really surprising, since in all the years I’ve known him, he’s preferred spaniels.

My Neighbor always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days. One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I should hang my laundry."

"That's a very interesting method," I replied, "but what if ...

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

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I overheard my neighbor having sex

I thought I overheard my neighbor having sex. Actually, her mom came for a visit and fell. She was trying to get my attention by banging her cane on the wall. Now I feel bad for masturbating to it.

My neighbor says he is too afraid to plant an apple tree.

I told him, "Grow a pear"!

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

My neighbor's kid asked me what dark humor was...

So I told him to go over to the guy with no hands and tell him to clap. Then he said to me "I'm blind, so how do I know where he is?" And I said "Exactly."

Anyway, any visual comedy to him is dark humor.

The difference between retroactive and radioactive is what happened when my neighbor got a power bill with $1000 of retroactive charges.

She's marching around the front yard with a shotgun. I pity the first power company truck that drives by.

Today I broke the lamp outside my neighbor's house

For some reason he's delighted

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My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles

Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!

My neighbors have a band playing Mexican music since 6pm it is now 9:45pm. I couldn't take it anymore....

I had to go get chips and salsa.

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

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One day I was having trouble starting my car and my neighbor comes over and says “need a jump?”

Then he called over three of his friends and kicked my ass.

After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.

That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

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My neighbor has a quarter with a couple of donkeys just down the street.

Never ridden one, thought I'd give it a try!

Turns out I'm pretty good at it, at least until some stupid kids came along and started chucking rocks at us. donkey didn't like it all and bucked me off.

I guess you could say I got stoned off my ass...

I feel bad for my neighbor the lawyer. She seems to be suffering from occupational burnout.

These days she just goes through the motions.

So my neighbor taped some clocks and watches on his belt

Guess you might call that a Waist of Time

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning.

Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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My neighbor told me he’s close to figuring out who’s been stealing his clothes

I almost crapped his pants when he said that

My neighbor knocked on my door and said it was too early to decorate my house for Halloween

Big talk from someone who wears her witch costume year-round.

My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners

I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.

My neighbor who was a first grade teacher just got arrested for prostitution

I’ve know her for ten years

I never knew she was a teacher

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school.

He didn't make the cut.

I caught my neighbor putting a layer of topsoil on my allotment

The plot thickened

My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful.

Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.

After a long time, I told my neighbor how I felt...

Now we’re teaching a hatmaking class together.

After i saw my neighbor standing naked by the window I knew it couldn‘t get any better

I had just peeked

Snow Storm in Texas blew 25% of my neighbors roof.

Oof.

My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.

All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


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### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

My neighbor got mad and said I've been driving her her husband to drink for the last six months....

What does she expect, I'm a cab driver.

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

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I gave my neighbor the benefit of the doubt when he said he'd stop hoarding stuff.

He won't give it back.

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